I just downloaded the Dolly app. Guys with trucks who will help you move furniture for a fee. Brilliant. Why hasn’t someone started this service before? I’ll use this all the time. Wait. “Service not yet available in Vegas.” Yup. Figures.
“France called, they want their statue back.” Many Americans don’t even know what you’re talking about. I’m not ragging on educated white people, obviously, I’m talking about the idiots who mace a crowd at Walmart on Black Thursday over a 30 inch TV.
So, Daniel, mystery solo male swinger, either lives in Henderson, Summerlin, or 3 miles down Sahara from the strip. In three emails he’s given me three different locales. I didn’t even ask him where he lives. He just randomly offered it. Meanwhile insisting, “Let’s meet out by you.” The plot thickens. Not really. We know what’s going on. Married and cheating. Good grief. Swingers.
Anyway
Plan B
Booger hoodie!
I just learned there’s a place called Fucking, Austria.
An actual village called Fucking
In Austria
Whaa... t?
Why have I not heard of this before? What have I been doing all my life? I must go to Fucking, Austria.
They should have a Ducking, Austria. You know, because of autocorrect. They could get the idiots who didn’t look over their reservations before confirming them.
Oh
I’m just a child of wonder today.
Why does the Riddler on Gotham remind me of Daniel Tosh?
Why do French fries only taste good after you immediately buy them, and not reheated in the oven the next day?
Why did my apartment smell like mud when I came home from work last night?
I think I’ve stumbled upon the secret behind movie popcorn butter, it’s actual real salted butter made in Mexico. Not a racist joke. I found real salted butter made in Mexico, and it’s aawwee-some! Tastes just like movie popcorn butter. I should be dead in a week. #thankgod
This woman...
I totally see her as the type of schitzy person who murders elderly for their social security checks but then forgets where she put the social security checks. Shes both maniacal and distracted.
“Wait. Why is this knife in my hand? I was going to stab someone? Who? Are you sure??”
Maybe that’s why this country has no money. They keep killing the wrong people
The only humans who have money are the ones making multi million dollar movies about a world with no money.
Dear feminists
(Wait for it)
* goddamnit it got deleted
* goddamnit it got deleted
I was going to end this blog with that fantastic YouTube clip but first I just want say...
Kudos to bringing back an old scam to the Vegas hustle: Looking homeless. You guys are great. There’s people who purposely look homeless but drive nice cars, have credit cards, cell phones, a house in East Hapton, etc., it’s just their hustle. They don’t smell, they look fed, they have nice skin, nice teeth, and nice breath. But their clothes and hair are dirty. Their clothes are dirty but perfectly intact. Their hair is dirty but it doesn’t smell. And they have super nice skin and manicured nails under the dirt. And still, I see tourists throw lots of money at them. Good for them.
Ah Vegas...
The town where everybody smiles. Everybody except the cashier at that one Walgreens. She never smiles. She wants to murder everyone. I can see it in her eyes. She’s totally gonna own the first PURGE. I want her on my team.
“Billy Billy! Welcome on top! All hail Scotland! Taco time!” God bless you drunk foreign bastards.
No comments:
Post a Comment