Entirely for your amusement

Greetings from the barren wasteland.🌵

 

Oh no

It’s 6:30am and I’m seeing nothing but girl after girl in whorish dresses doing the embarrassing walk of shame in bright sunlight, Saturday morning. Girl, where your shoes? Why you barefoot? Yeesh. Never catch me barefoot on the Vegas strip. Flesh eating bacteria! At the very least. No self respect. 

I absolutely hate working on the strip. I’d maybe like it if it was 1985. But in this day and age I gotta be a bouncer just to get people to pay their tabs. Why is this? If you walk into a restaurant, a bar, a nightclub, and order food and drink, you have to pay the tab. There’s no negotiating here. Pay your tab, or get the fuck out and never come back. 

The following is a classic example of what I go through at least once a night. Once a night for the last twenty-five years.

I’m calling these two moron bitches PING and PONG. They’re maybe eighteen years old. Possibly Hispanic. And the world apparently owes them. 

PING and PONG came to Vegas looking for daddies over the 4th of July weekend but failed miserably because, well, not one attractive feature between the two of them.  

PING is junkie scrawny, twitchy, with shoulder length brown wiry hair. She tried to put some green dye in her hair, but all the dye is plopped on the top of her head with terrible streaks running down. Looks like a sick bird pooped on her head. 

I have no idea why girls think green hair dye is pretty. If you’re in Vegas and want to hustle, don’t dye your hair green.

PONG is chunky with long curly brown hair. She has a very fat masculine face. Her eyes are glued to her cell phone the entire time the following occurred.

Both are dressed like they’ve worn the same clothes every day for the past five years. The fabric is faded. Nothing feminine about their attire or appearance whatsoever.

FYI boys and girls, here’s how not to walk out on a check. 

While sitting at their table after they’re done eating, PING looks nervously around. I know this look. They don’t have money to pay and are looking for an escape route. They know they have to pass me to get out the doors. They don’t yet have the experience of ditching on a check but are making their first attempt, poorly.

Cautiously they approach me. Approaching me is their first mistake.

“I think I left my money in the bathroom.” PING said, leaving PONG with me. PING then walks to the bathroom nervously looking for an escape route out of the building. When none could be found PING came back to PONG. 

“My money’s not in the bathroom.” She nervously announced.

“Do you have Apple Pay?” PONG asked confidently, her eyes glued to her cell phone.

Sure do. I’ll set it up for you. There you go. It’s ready when you are. - After a few minutes pass PONG clearly doesn’t have Apple Pay. Her eyes are still glued to her cell phone. She makes no attempt to even pretend to try using Apple Pay.

“It’s ready when you are.” I tell her. 

PONG just stares at her phone.

“It’s ready when you are.” I tell PONG again. But she continues to stare into her phone.

“What are you going to do here ladies?” I ask.

“It’s only a $7 bill!” PONG yells at me.   

Yes. I know. How are you going to pay it?

“She’s going to go back to the room and get the money. I’m going to wait here. Fuck!” PONG yells. “All over a $7 check!” She yells. Then they both get on their cell phones. 

“Ok. That’s fine.” I say. “Get your money.”

“It’s only $7!” PONG again protests, getting very angry that they should have to pay their check. “It’s not like anybody eats here anyway!” PONG tried to hustle.

Aside from the fact you’re so horribly wrong, chubs, that’s your reason for not paying your bill? Look bitch, we’re not friends. We’re not family. Pay your god damn bill. 

I don’t say that of course. Instead I let my boss take over with PING and PONG. I had other guests to attend to. I ignored the girls and went about my business. 

“You’re a rude bitch!” PONG yells after me.

Aaaaand you still have to pay your bill, you ugly fat whore. 

“It’s just $7!” PONG yells again while staring into her cell phone.

I thought we already settled this. 

PING was calling a Lyft back to their room to get the money, while PONG stayed behind. Isn’t that your plan? Isn’t that what we agreed on?

“I can’t believe you’re making us go through all this over $7!” PONG loudly objects.

“Don’t say anything more to them.” My boss says. Agreed. They’re clearly trying to get something for free now, aside from not paying their check. So neither me or my boss say anything more to them. 

“You create all this drama over $7! It’s only $7!” PONG keeps yelling over and over.

But rather than paying, rather than simply walking out the door, I mean hello, PING and PONG just hang out at the door. PING is growing increasingly edgy. She’s starting to get afraid. I can see it in her face. She sees the cameras everywhere and thinks the cops will come after them. PING and PONG are not a sophisticated pair. 

PONG’s eyes are glued to her cell phone. 

“We can’t pay the bill.” PONG finally admits.

No shit. 

They were hoping someone would come along, hear their bullshit and pay their bill for them. No one helped them. Like I said, not one pretty feature between the two of them. Time to get a new hustle ladies. 

“I guess we can go back to the room and get some money?” PING nervously suggests. 

Swell idea. Wasn’t that your plan five minutes ago?

I was done. I walked away and let my boss deal with them. I went to the bathroom. When I came out both PING and PONG were gone. I guess PONG decided she wasn’t going to stay behind after all. I asked my boss if they paid. He said no. He didn’t expect they would.

In the end, they did come back to supposedly pay their bill. Actually they just came back to complain to someone else about me. But by this time their check was considered a walk-out. All PING and PONG had to do was say, “We left our money in our room. We’ll go get it and come back.” And then leave. Come back. Don’t come back. But no, they hung around to see if they could get something else for free. And when no one offered to pay their bill, they got mad, and so expected me to pay their bill apparently. They didn’t think they should have to pay their check because, “It’s only $7!” 

Their Lyft rides cost more money than their bill. 

Smart.

Crackerjack job raising with these two idiot kids, mom. 

It’s not just eighteen year old young women. I have to deal with the same shit from thirty-five year old women who think they shouldn’t have to pay when they don’t have money simply because they’re women. They think they’re entitled to get things they order for free. From me? Are you really that stupid?

I’m noticing more and more at the end of the night it’s just men hanging out together buying each other breakfast and drinks, having a great time laughing, celebrating life. No women. 

See, it’s not just me who are sick of your shit, ladies. 

This isn’t anything new, mind you. I’ve been collecting money for bars, nightclubs, restaurants, charity, festivals, and concert venues, for the past twenty-five years. Grown women back in 1991 didn’t think they should have to pay a $10 cover charge because they’re women. No bitch. PAY. The only difference is, these women who feel so entitled to get everything for free, get uglier and fatter each year. Not one attractive/sexy feature on their entire bodies. At least be attractive if you’re going to have the audacity to approach with me with an entitled attitude. I’ll still say no. But at least have a dumbass reason for feeling entitled. 

Collecting money for charities was just as bad. Back in the day, when the internet was new, people post photos of $100 checks on myspace, to build a women’s shelter or what have you, friends and strangers would praise their generosity, but then when it came to cashing the checks half of them bounced or were cancelled. Nice huh? 

FYI, Good looking women have money and can pay their way. 

I said GOOD LOOKING WOMEN have money.

“Your business would die without women like me hanging out in your establishment. My pussy brings in the men.”

Wrong! 

Any pussy brings in the men. They’re just not going to pay your tab simply for having one. You actually have to have other redeeming qualities.

That’s why these days more women get hired rather than men to handle money and work the doors. Pay bitch, or get the fuck out. No dick for you to suck here. 

8:22pm, July 5th. Another aftershock in Vegas. 40 minutes earlier and I would have been in the shower. Old lady in the shower during an aftershock. Not quite the death I had in mind but, you can’t have everything you want in life now can you. How boring would it be if you could.