For my birthday I'm giving myself

An urn! No kidding.

People think they're going to live forever. Not me. I give myself 10 more years and that's being generous. I'm not a drug user. I don't smoke. I'm not promiscuous. I do however run my body and mind into the ground at least four days a week. Before it was six days a week and I've been doing it for YEARS. It's a nervous tick. Habitual tension. Mental anxiety. Fuck this feeble human body I have things to do!

A.D.D. OCD. I internalize EVERYTHING.

Hello, Heart Disease!

I'm severely irritated if I have to stop what I'm doing because I have to pee, or sleep, or eat, or be somewhere else. Drives me insane. And I know I'm not alone or it wouldn't be a reoccurring question on every psyche evaluation.

If I need this 95 pound (something) from the top shelf NOW, I'll get a hernia, hemorrhoids, and a brain aneurysm, pulling it down myself rather than waiting 15 minutes for help. It's kind of unfair really. I'm an organ donor and I'm constantly beating myself up.

Performing inventory on my organs, ok look, the heart, lungs, and liver are all shot to hell, BUT my eyes are still good, possibly both kidneys, I'm freakishly strong, I can lift my end of the couch up three flights of stairs no problem, though I have no idea what organ you would pitch that to for a potential donor recipient. The pancreas??

I can't question anymore WHY people are dying so young these days. All I can can do is prepare.

I've chosen to be cremated. Upon doing my research, I'm impressed with how modern these cremation places have become. I'm an organ donor, so god willing I die in public, one cremation place will retrieve my body from the hospital to the cremation (place) in the event I'm single and there is no one available to make other arrangements. I think I'm just supposed to carry the papers around on my body so there's instructions what to do in the event of my death. All, of course, within 40 miles. The cremation place will retrieve my body free of charge within 40 miles. I mean they're not a limousine service.

So...

I'm gonna be cremated. There's biodegradable urns. Pretty cool.

If you've already made the decision to be cremated, why buy a $1,570 cast bronze urn? Why be cremated just to linger in an urn on someone's shelf? Tons of money spent on domestic technology to rid dust from your house. The last thing I want is to be the debris in someone's house equivalent to dust they can't get rid of.

Just know, if someone expects you to keep an urn of their ashes in your house, that someone,  hates you.