Love and Cancer - part II (family)

My immediate family and I couldn’t be more opposing of one another if we tried. We’ve all grown into adults that should probably never sit in the same room together without helmets… and some kind of law enforcement.

It’s not that my immediate family doesn’t like each other, but the way each other has chosen to live, fiercely conflicts. I just want to keep it simple; I.e. if it looks like rain, bring an umbrella; if you get a headache, take some aspirin; if it doesn’t work (this way) than try it (that way), etc., that’s how I live, simple. It’s not complicated until (you) make it complicated. And my family loves it complicated, because my family loves drama. Correction, my family loves attention, and desire for that constant attention only leads to drama.

 

You know these people, they make themselves seen (look at me!), then do and say stupid shit to piss people off, hoping for more attention.     

I want to live sight unseen. I’ve never wanted to be famous. I’ve never even used my real name on art/writing projects. I don’t have Facebook, or Instagram, or LinkdIn, or any other social media. I have a Twitter account but it’s inactive. Point is, leave me (the fuck) alone. I’ll deal with dad and his cancer my way. All I asked from my family is to keep me informed if anything (big) happens. I live in CA. The rest of my immediate family remains in MN, where I grew up. Aaaaand there’s reason for that. It’s not sheer happenstance I live 5 states away from my family. It’s completely intentional I assure you.

But can my family keep me informed without issues and drama? No, of course not.

When dad was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer, my brother panicked, and then called me late at night and made me panic, but my brother refused to tell me why he was panicking. Instead of saying, “Hey sis, dad’s cancer is back, and it looks serious this time. Call him tomorrow” my brother turned it into a big riddle, a secret, and he wouldn’t tell me why he was calling at 9pm, which is unusual because at that time it’s 11pm in MN, my brother never calls that late. My brother just completely freaked out on the phone but wouldn’t tell me why. All he said was “Call dad tomorrow. It’s important.”

Ok well, you’re on the phone with me now. So why don’t (you) tell me?

“No. It’s better if you hear it from dad.” My brother said.

Was there a death? Did someone die? It’s 11pm at night in MN! You’re going to make me wait 8 long horrible hours to sit and stew over the worst case scenario, and that’s only if I actually get dad on the phone in the morning. Just fucking tell me!

Normally, I would hang up with my brother and call dad regardless of the late hour, but my dad and his wife have this answering service, if I ring one number and no one answers (because they turned the ringer off) the call will bounce to another phone line, and if no one answers that phone line (because the ringer is off) the call will bounce to yet another phone line, and if no one answers that phone line (because the ringer is off) the call will return to the original number I dialed – and then go into voice mail. It is the most annoying thing in the world. It would be quicker to hang up and dial each phone line separately, but you can’t do that because now all three numbers are tied up with this answering service. Watching microwave popcorn is faster than calling home.

But my brother refused to tell me the important news, which I already guessed couldn’t be good.

“No” my brother said, “better if you hear it from dad.”

And that’s what it’s like talking to my family. Drives me crazy. My brother may as well just call me and said, “I have some important news!” (click!) and then hang up. Same thing.

My relationship with my brothers carved my relationships with other men. I can always tell when men have entered the “friend zone” or when men have entered the “absolutely do not date zone” when they begin to irritate me the same way my brothers do. For example…

So now, anytime something happens with dad and his cancer, one of my brothers gets oddly jealous of the attention. I don’t understand it either. My brother actually said, “You know, I find it interesting. I get married, suddenly dad gets lung cancer. My wife and I have a baby, and dad has cancer again.”

Wow

Ok look,

I’m rather certain dad didn’t get cancer just to steal some spotlight away from your marriage, and birth of my nephew… but that would be pretty fucking amazing if he did.

On the scale of family events, dad’s cancer takes priority. And my brother went out of his way to make dad feel bad about it. Dad started to feel guilty that he got cancer. And when that guilt wasn’t enough for my brother, my brother went out of his way to make dad’s wife feel guilty about it too.

Recently when dad was admitted back into the hospital, I was upset that my immediate family didn’t send (so much as) a fast text saying, “Dad’s back in the hospital. Call us.” My brother, my little nephew’s dad, said, “You know it’s hard keeping in touch with you when you’re so far away. I have a wife, a new baby, clients, it’s hard keeping in touch.”

What a bunch of crap.

So rather than saying to his wife, “Honey, can you hold the baby for one minute, I have to text my sister and let her know dad is back in the hospital” my brother instead chose to call my dad’s wife and tell her to keep me better informed of what’s going on with him. As if my dad’s wife doesn’t have enough to do.

And then there’s my dad’s ex-wife who thinks it’s funny my dad is sick.

Right now, today, I tolerate my family. That’s the best I can do. I tolerate them.

My one brother repeatedly tells me to “Come home, sit by dad’s side, hold his hand so he knows you’re there.”

And my response is always the same. “How long should I do this for?”

Here in the U.S., when you’re the kid who leaves home, when you’re the kid who decisively ventures off the beaten conservative path, no husband, no kids, pack light, little responsibility, etc., when you’re that kid who purposely lives as simply as possible, you’re automatically the family fuck up. And the only way to redeem yourself in your family’s eyes is to bear the brunt of familial responsibility when your brothers are too busy living their own extremely important lives.

And if you’re unwilling to do the things your brothers themselves are unwilling to do, then why bother keeping in touch with you.

I reminded my brothers, I live in CA, I have a job, and I have things going on in my life as well. These things may not be as important as having a wife and kids, but it’s my life. I don’t have an unlimited amount of money to keep traveling back and forth to MN, from CA, every time my brothers think I should.

“I don’t understand why you live in CA in the first place.” Members of my family love to say.

Huh.

 

I think it’s pretty self-explanatory.