ZIPPER

Watched Zipper on Netflix. I get the moral of the story, but...

The way my brain works, all I (really) got out of the movie was how much I would enjoy having sex with Patrick Wilson. Even just movie-sex. Handsome tall muscular blue eye'd white man just like Minnesota used to make. Still makes, I'm sure. I like variety but there's nothing like home cooking.

Anyway. So...

This is my thing? This is my mid life crisis? An identity crises?

I thought I straightened this out last December, new look, new inspiration, reinvent, further development, a glossy maturity.

People like me...

Women like me, short, small, Asian, we can be 20 years old forever, or we can be 50 years old forever. There is no in between. There is no being 30. There is no being 40. The only change we can make is weight and hair color. I have no interest being fat, so that's out.

I have a vision what I will look like with long styled grey/white hair. Hopefully I'll settle into a nice glossy 40. Might possibly feel more my age then. I could perhaps get into the wine industry, or occupation museum curator, or politics starting with a junior administration level and work my way up. But I have to feel this part. Never underestimate the way a woman looks, is without question how she feels. 

I still feel like a little kid. I still look (in the face and body) like a little kid.

But in the process of this change, so far only women see where I'm going. Only women see my direction and vision. Men do not. Men see women like me as being 20 year old little girls, or 50 year old moms they can toss their laundry to. There is no in between. It's frustrating. Even gay friends are calling me "grandma" BUT if it means I'm not a fantasy "little girl" sex toy any more, then what other choice do I have? --I'm not interested in men who have sex fantasies with grandmas, by the way. Uh. No.

Nonetheless...

I'm staying the course. I am determined to see this through. I need to feel comfortable in my skin again. I'm not interested competing or getting into "beauty contests" with 20 year olds. And I'm (really) not interested having 1:1 relationships with men who want "little girls" in order to feel like a man. 

I think it's because I'm really short. Trapped in a little girl's face and body. 

"Oh my god! You're teeny tiny!" 

Fantastic. 

Did you ever see the 2009 movie Orphan?