Quarantine: Day #27
Social distancing: Day #(always)
What day is it? Does it matter anymore?
Preach it sister!
EVEN MSNBC MADDOW IS SICK OF THE GOVERNMENT'S SHIT
It doesn't feel like I'm back in Los Angeles.
I haven't even seen the ocean yet. And I miss watching Aramis pay $45 for a martini. Oh lonely days. Depression. I miss restaurants with purposely misspelled Italian words, the butter scoop of mashed potatoes, six string beans, and four over cooked and over seasoned jumbo prawns for $60. (Sigh) I miss eating disorders!
Fuck this president. This virus. This quarantine.
"Go outside for a walk. Get a little freah air and exercise."
I do. And have been. Every day. And FYI, doling out callow instruction is never comforting. Maybe for those without a conscience, or a grain of awareness as to what's going on in the world perhaps. Not here, honey. Not here. Be gone! Take your simplicity with you.
AND ANOTHER THING!
The good lord intended southern Californians to be outside all day. All night. We live here for the good weather. Remember? "We pay stupid high rent for the good weather." If I wanted to be trapped indoors three months a year I'd move back to the midwest where housing is affordable, pay wages are reasonable, and the people are nice. But no! I long ago surrendered a healthy beautiful life for the ability to go outside whenever I want and enjoy the good goddamn weather.
"But it's raining out."
Rain is still good weather. Spend your entire childhood in (minus) -25 degree winters and then tell me how scared you are to get your hair wet.
Anyone who votes for Trump in November can just fuck all the way off. Just when I think I can't hate this imbecile for a president any more, I can. I really fucking can. The most useless man on the planet. And there's nothing worse than a useless man.
This imbecile, this bringer of death, tells people to poison themselves. "Try it. You might like it."
Unfuckingbelievable.
YOU FIRST DICK. SET THE EXAMPLE.
I'm not sure if Trump understands how cameras work. Or maybe everyone around him is like, "No. Fuck it. Let him go. He's gonna be a mass genocide homicidal maniac in front of the camera or on Twitter. What's the difference? Fuck it. Let him go."
Oh! I got this!
Ted Nugent's umbilical cord
Steel grade tampons for Trump suppprters
The last burnt fuse from the 2015 Republican think tank
Right here is where I had a link to an adorable clip of an English couple and their toddler enjoying a day in the country. The dad was trying to get the toddler to say "cows" but the toddler with his adorable English accent kept saying "cunts".
"Cows"
"Cunts"
"Where are the COWS?"
"Cunts. The cunts."
I'm with you kid. Cunts. Cunts everywhere.
I know he wasn't saying "cunts". He's an adorable toddler with an accent. But real life cunts saw the video and took offense. Now the video is gone. Cunts.
Jerry Saltz! WTF? Dig deep. Go large. Buy a damn coffee maker. What's wrong with you? Day old coffee? Get some self respect!
Remember when we all snorted coke with dollar bills, the filthiest most diseased infested substance on earth... money, not the drugs. Ever wonder why it took ten years to develope sinus infections?
Why did I stop doing drugs? At least twice during this pandemic I was so utterly stressed out I wanted some pot. Stressed, as in stress eczema, followed by a massive heart attack that doesn't kill you, stress. Why couldn't I just bust out in genital herpes like everylne else, but no, it's gotta be this visible crap on my neck.
Is there a sleep disorder/eczema make a wish foundation? If so, I want to request a hang out with Sam Rockwell. Don't you want to hang out with Sam Rockwell? He just seems like he'd be a lot of fun to hang out with.
I'm at the social distancing point of isolation where I'm begining to feel like maybe I'm a clone.
Did I mention how much I hate Trump?
Does he seriously not know that a camera is a recording device?
STUPID IS AS STUPID DOES, FORREST
Thank you Sheldon, friends, Farnoush, and Catalina, for the love, hustle, and sanity.
Lonely. I'm so lonelyyyy.
In a perfect world we'd have pet giraffes.
April 4
Preach it sister!
EVEN MSNBC MADDOW IS SICK OF THE GOVERNMENT'S SHIT
Rock of Ages, 8am Saturday.
Tom Cruise. I just. I can't. It's not you. It's that, didja actually live the 80's? I mean did Lemmy ever give you his phone number on an Ace of Spades playing card at the 'bow? Were you ever bent over snorting coke off one end of the Ms Pac-Man machine with your skirt hiked up over your hips while guys from Cinderella got blowjobs on the other side of the game...
Or so I hear.
We're all 100 years old now. Who cares.
Anyway.
Mute.
Don't blame me.
It's China's fault
It's the Democrat's fault
It's the media's fault
It's the mean people's fault
It's the impeachment's fault
It's the past administration's fault
It's Yamiche Alcindor's fault
It's Weijia Jiang's fault.
Hey I have an idea. Lets go play some golf.
Ooh! Ooh! Me! Over here! Pick me! Pick me!
Asking who's fault it is that coronavirus was brought to America, is like asking who's fault it was that slaves were brought to America.
Stay with me
I'm going somewhere
Black African slave drivers SOLD THEIR OWN PEOPLE out of Africa for profit, greed, cruelty. And the people of Africa let the slaves go.
So by your logic, the world according to YOU...
Coronavirus came from China
Slaves came from Africa.
It's China's fault Americans are dying from coronavirus.
Therefore
It must be Africa's fault Africans died as slaves in America. Amiright?
In your world, blame the origin.
And yet...
I don't recall reading about a whole lot of slave rage going towards Africa.
(Why is that by the way?)
Sigh.
Oh Google.
"At some point - thought to be at least before 1930 - humans ate some chimpanzees infected with the SIV virus which mutated into HIV. It might be difficult to say who was actually the first to catch it; in fact there may have been several simultaneous infections. The bush meat trade in Africa is very prevalent."
Who's got a cough drop?
Anyone?
Anyone?
Hey! How many days in a row can you wear a pair of socks before the point is moot?
Don't mind me. I'm still getting my LA sea legs back. I lived in Vegas for two years which in affect returned my ability to give a shit. Don't worry. Once we're able to eat in overpriced restaurants again, with my plastic utensil Vegas days behind me, superficial recoil will auto-snap, ripping away all sensibility and mindfulness.
Coronavirus? Fiction! Lets raise more taxes!
Don't get me started with the government.
Don't get me started with taxes.
Don't get me started, girl.
Don't get me started!
I'm biting the knuckle.
Reminder, the constitution is there to protect us from government.
My loved ones would really like me to shut up now, but I've already Stacee Jaxx the fuck out of this wine bottle, so...
Truth hurts. Truth scars. Truth wounds and marks. Any heart not tough or strong enough...
Ooooooh truth hurts
DR RISHI the O.G.!!!!
Like toothpaste on black cardigan, honey!
OMG this quarantine needs to be over. I'm going to be a drunk hobo soon if it's not.
I started this drawing two weeks ago.
Guess I'll finish it before I go completely mad.
Save me Josie!!!!
ONLY SWEET JOSIE CAN SAVE ME NOW
April 2
This president, this government, severely fucked up handling this pandemic. State governors have taken more responsibility and worked harder. Although, for the tax Californians pay, during a global emergency such as this, actual voices and properly informed human beings on the phone, would be far more deserving than a horribly designed automated voice message, agreed? Their pandemic website is not much better.
To file for unemployment in CA this is the website in case you're a giant lazy ass fuck who can't Google search it yourself...
TO FILE FOR UNEMPLOYMEMT IN LOS ANGELES
Also the only other website I found helpful is here...
DEPARTMENT OF PUBLIC SOCIAL SERVICES
I have been on countless websites, countless phone calls for the past 15 days or whenever it was CA shut-in was no longer a suggestion but a requirement. And of the dozens of people I talked to, of the dozens of emails I sent out, of the dozens of websites I've been on in the last two weeks, only two women (people) were helpful, TWO, as in did something other than simply tell me dial 2-1-1.
One lady was from a Jewish organization who I accidentally emailed. She emailed me back and asked for my phone number and then she actually called me. I apologized and informed her I'm not Jewish. And her response was this, "That's ok. I have resource centers here. Lets get you started. But first let me ask you, do you need food? Do you have groceries?"
And I have to tell you, I was taken aback. Of the dozens of people I had previously talked to, this woman was, and remains to be, the ONLY person to ask me if I needed food. I didn't. I don't. But I couldn't thank her enough for asking me. She was the first human, as in caring, voice I had heard since this pandemic and panic buying started. After a little conversation she then linked me up with the Department of Public Social Services.
The DPSS and CA unemployment, for temporary assistance, are the best connections I've found so far because...
I'm not a veteran
I don't have children
I'm not married
I'm not physically or mentally impaired
I'm not handicapped
I'm not on medication
I'm not a senior citizen just yet
I'm not a youth
What I am is a single able bodied woman who just returned to LA, who cannot be out of work for three months, or one month for that matter, or however long this quarantine is going to last. July 1, I'm hearing.
I'm SO GLAD I'm not in Las Vegas now. Let me tell you how much that city cares about their people, instead of opening shelters, opening empty hotels for those who are displaced, the city has painted extra parking spots on streets and in the parking lots for the homeless so they know how far apart to social distance from one another. Isn't that just the most unbelievable fucked up thing.
Anyway
The second lady who has been very helpful is from the DPSS, who works from home because of the quarantine.
This is truly SCI-FI zombie apocalypse type shit. Estimated 100,000 to 200,000 deaths before it ends.
I came out of the 6.9 San Francisco earthquake in 1989, the LA Riots in 1992, the 6.7 Northridge earthquake in 1994, and while 9/11 was scary AF, I lived here in LA then. It didn't impact us here like it obviously did in New York. And so I, you, we will get through this pandemic... or die.
Not to be morose, but those are in fact our two options right? Get through it or die. Be that, I'd really like better organized people to handle the next emergency whatever that comes along.
The president is a useless buffoon who can't do anything, and then blames everyone else for his incompetence.
"It's China's fault. It's the domocrats' fault. It's the media's fault. It's a hoax. I'm not going to help you if you're not nice to me."
--Trump
Fuck you
I mean really. What pathetic excuse of a human being. What a useless man. I've gotten more comfort from cat videos on Twitter than anything this idiot president has done.
AND ANOTHER THING...
Americans should never have to pay to get copies of their birth certificates, or any kind of copies of citizenship papers! This country really needs to start taking better care of their own.
Reminder, the pandemic is predicted to return in the fall. Meaning, stock up on toilet paper during the summer!
I am so getting a treadmill.
April 1
How many people in CA called the much referred 2-1-1? Yeah, that's a total shit show, ain't it?
I'm kidding. Good job.
🙄
All Biden has to do now...
After the president tweeting about himself in the third party how great his ratings are...
And after the timeline of coronavirus vs golf...
Aaand after Trump's last press conference of doom and dispair, all Biden has to do now is say that he'll light fires under the lazy useless asses of government to help the people.
I mean, don't actually say "lazy useless asses of government" get speech writers to print up something fancy, but make it stern, make it short, and make it directly to the point, Biden's mission now is to help the people. To help the people by getting the lazy useless asses of government to HELP THE PEOPLE (who pay their outrageous taxes) and to help the people FASTER!!!!
HELP THE PEOPLE FASTER!!!!
And maybe throw in a little, "The president is obviously overwhelmed with the pandemic. Therefore, I want to help the president, all in together, so that the president may focus on the pandemic, and lean on me to help the people."
Or something like that.
I would write it myself but these days I can't say the word government without internally screaming the words "slow, lazy" and "useless". On occasion "motherfuckers" gets screamed out loud.
You know exactly what I'm saying.
March 31
I want to go outside and plaaaayyyyy!!!!
😫
On a more positive note, girls who spread their legs for a living are still doing it.
TAGLINES
Real whores do it in the corona virus!
Real whores take 2 dicks in the corona virus!
Real whores prefer corona virus on the face!
Real whores...
Why is the My Pillow guy doing a press conferen... Oh.
TRUMP SO DUMB CAN'T EVEN USE GOOGLE RIGHT. THAT'S WHY
That clip makes me laugh every time I see it!!! Every goddamn time!!!
38 million!!!
Maybe he confused South Korea with Canada?
"I know South Korea better than anybody"
Better than anybody!!!
Well NOPE
Here's what I think, Trumpy abused his staff and handlers so much, now they're just telling him fake shit for him to repeat on the air. I would. Why not? Like Trump knows where South Korea, is. Or Canada.
"The launch code, Mr President, is Jenny8675309."
Here's one of the amazing nurses Trump thinks is stealing face masks. She's working 16 hour days, back from retirement.
THANK YOU NURSES, DOCTORS, ANYONE PUTTING THEIR LIVES IN DANGER TO HELP OTHERS
Thank you, Angie!!!
Be assured, Biden will get the votes in Washington and Michigan, because Trumpy just told both states to go fuck themselves riiiiiiiight here....
TRUMP TELLS WASHINGTON AND MICHIGAN TO FUCK OFF
The Trumpster telling black female journalists to "be nice" just before insulting them. Alcindor, wasn't the first. Won't be the last. Go get him!!!
“Stay forward, stay focused, be steady and continue to the job that you were there to do. For me, it’s to be a journalist and hold presidents accountable and that’s what I did today” - Yamiche Alcindor
Go, girl!
July 1 2020, you might read a little something about our government response timeline regarding this pandemic. It's been a very educational experience.
Very educational.
Thank you, Sheldon!!!!
March 29
Cellar door.
Most beautiful phrase in the English language. Cellar door.
At this pont I'd rather have 100 cats in the White House. Just set them loose. Let them do their thing.
Is anyone else sick of SVU, Rocky, and Harry Potter? Oh lawd.
I was watching the movie KNOWING. Rose Byrne's character Diana, is everything about women I find completely annoying. She doesn't believe anything anyone tells her, she's careless, hysterical, and her judgement is constantly bad. The only nice thing about this woman's character is she's thin.
For once AOC, we agree on something. Thankfully it's this. A word of advice however, get you a voice coach.
PREACH IT GIRL, SHAMEFUL!
I have a soft whispery voice, softer than yours, but when I'm mad girl you better believe they can hear this bitch three states over. In this clip, you look like you're angry cheerleading.
Be that, I still agree with you.
So
Anyway
I've never heard it called the German measles, out loud. I know it's been called the German measles because I read. But if you today are calling measles the German measles, you can just go fuck yourself.
Getting your guy elected is how you make your bones. I get it. Problems come when you don't actually believe in your candidate. Look, if all you want is a paycheck and a reputation, which there's absolutely nothing wrong with that, be a political spin-doctor like Conrad Brean. Any writer worth his balls can jerk an election back and forth.
Warren had the same problem Hilary had. Neither are believable. Trump's batshit crazy is far more believable than anything Warren or Hilary ever said, plus his followers already drank the kool-Aid. ADD TO THAT, Warren's shitty arrogant writers, shitty arrogant campaign, and lazy AF political agendas. Plus neither one of these women have presence or swagger. Hilary's gonna be on SNAPPED one day, and Warren reminds me of that creepy old lady who lives in the burnt house with no windows. What do I mean by swagger? I mean Glenn Close as VP Kathryn Bennett, in AIR FORCE ONE swaggar.
"But that's a movie."
And still I would vote for Kathryn Bennett, over Warren or Hilary.
If Biden was smart he'd start bromancing Buttigieg right now. I appreciate he wants a female VP, and god knows if Glenn Close was running I would vote for her, at least she's played the part, but do yourself a favor Biden, and make terms with Buttigieg.
Actually
Glenn Close as VP?
I can see it.
I really can.
Cellar door
Cellar door
How many times can you say the most beautiful phrase before it becomes a semantic satiation?
Cellar door
March 27
"The virus is nobody's fault. Nobody from this country's fault. We made the right decision to travel ban China early on... The virus started with one person from China."
Lies! (Click the link)
WORDS TRUMP ACTUALLY SAID OUTLOUD
What do you say to the millions of people who are scared right now. What do you say to them, Mr President?
"I say you're a terrible reporter. That's what I say."
Crackerjack leadership, Mr President.
🙄
And a big fuck you (again) to Michael Moore criticizing George Bush taking a whole whopping seven minutes to respond to a second plane crashing into the world trade center while in a room full of children. Seven minutes. Meanwhile, FEBRUARY 28, "And now the Democrats are politicizing. This is their new hoax."
MARCH 27, huh, hows that "hoax" coming along?
Wow. That well, eh?
This pretty much sums it up.
(Click the link)
Wait for it
END OF DAYS TYPE SHIT!
I part of me wants to criticize young kids today who flip off the man, lick toilet seats, selfie, contract COVID-19, and then turn to social media in a heartfelt soul search of what they could have done differently in their lives, additionally I question what motivates your generation's sense of adventure, but beyond that, I honestly think the Tik Tok kids have a lot to contribute to this awful pandemic in that they're not some creepy weird 70 year old politician, because lets face it, even in a crisis we'd rather hear from a young beautiful person hooked up to a ventilator than a guy who looks like he brought lice to skid row in 1963.
Ah yes, the walk of shaming social distance.
Remember when they released the Penguin from Arko to battle the Joker and his poisonous gas? In other news R. Kelly, was released from jail...
The super pretty weather girl just called forecast rain "nuesanance rain".
Damnit inconvenient weather and this bothersome lung virus!
Hey guys! Remember when they moved our department to Kentucky and offered us raises, promotions, and $4,000 each in relocation costs, and we all told the heads of our department to suck our dicks? Remember? Yeah we made the right decision!
I'm glad a little economic relief is on the way eventually. It's not enough to last until end of April. And every single COVID-19 emergency organization in Los Angeles has told me the same thing in the last 7 days, "We don't service single women with no children".
Meanwhile, on the news this morning, I'm looking at $28,000 luxury SUV'S pulling up for free boxes of fruit on skid row.
What would I do without my friends?
Seriously?
What would I do?
I love you guys.
We're all doing our part social distancing, quarantine, waiting, waiting... waiting.
How are some of you on Twitter posting home bored videos titled "Day 6 Quarantine" when I've been doing this shit since I landed in LA back on March 12th?
Well, I guess I should be happy some of you are being responsible.
Let's play a drinking game. Drink every time a police TV show cop says, "We're gonna haul your sweet ass in!"
Ok. Back to being told no.
I think it's my fetish.
"NO!"
OMG YES, AGAIN!
"NO!! ABSOLUTELY NOT!!
ONE MORE TIME!
"NO!! NEVER!! NOT FOR YOU!!!"
YEEEEEEEA!!
Fuck my life.
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