CRAZY HOT

In their freshman year the Vegas Golden Knights are in the Stanley playoffs. That’s pretty awesome for them. They lost tonight, game 2, so it’s now tied. Everyone suspects it’s going to go the full 7 games. 

Las Vegas does hockey in its own way. Game openers are as ostentatious and acrobatic as all the other shows on the Vegas strip. Me personally I’m dying for a little something simple. Oh sure I’m rooting for the VGK but I’m not invested. The Caps are a great team but they’ve always been a great hockey team. Meh. I’m on the hunt for a lounge I can drink my drink, write, and maybe listen to a piano player. Conservative and low key.

In my opinion, Prince Harry is far more attractive, but I would get on with Prince William much, much better. The reason being, William is more conservative in public. I have never wanted to date a guy who, even directly across from an ocean, patron anywhere a shirt isn’t required. I’m simply incapable dining with (anyone)who isn’t wearing a shirt. It’s in part why I avoid the Vegas strip during summer months. I hate loud shirtless crowds. Ever notice the less clothes people wear, the louder they get?

It’s up to 100 plus degrees here in Vegas. I’ve been looking at apartments online in China Town. I don’t need much. I have a one bedroom apartment now and the only reason I go into the bedroom, aside from getting dressed, is because it separates the vanity/bathroom from the living room. 

I was off today. I left the apartment once briefly to get tacos. That’s it. It was 100 mother fu!*#%! degrees out. Miserable-hot. Summer has arrived. It’s going to be 105 degrees Sunday and Monday. Aside from going out for tacos, I was on my couch all day online searching apartments and looking for extra work.

I hate living alone. I’ve been living alone for the past six months, and I hate it. But try finding other people to live with who don’t have kids, or a ton of baggage and drama, and that just doesn’t exist with people my age. I literally have zero drama. I have no kids, no pets, no ex’s who live in Vegas, I’ve barely dated since I’ve been here, I’m responsible, and I have a steady reliable job.

Whatever happened to dating? You know DATING. We both get dressed up, you pick me up, we go out for drinks, catch a show, flirt, heavy petting, kissing, build it up all night for some midnight stranger danger, and be home in our own beds (or couch) by 3am — DATING. 

I really need to stop sleeping on my couch. 

And another thing...

Yes, DRINKS. 

I cannot, will not, date someone who doesn’t appreciate a nice bottle of wine. I just can’t. You’re alien to me if you don’t drink the grape. Wine is a HUGE part of my social life.

Dating mostly consists of food/wine, sex, and sleeping, and we already know I don’t sleep in my bed, so... 

Wine is a big part of my life. If we can’t eat an occasional Asian dinner together and share a nice bottle of wine, we’re over before it starts. Good wine and company is a huge aphrodisiac for me. — I have a crush on Nevada’s governor. I bet a bottle of wine with him would result in A LOT of fun. Plus he’s in my age range. We’re both divorced. A girl can dream. And he can’t run for re-election. He’s hit the term limit.

In the eleven months I’ve now lived in Vegas, based on social media accounts, governor Sandoval is the only man I think I could realistically date. If we ever actually met, and I found out he doesn’t drink wine, fuck it, I will officially give up and start collecting cats.

Wimp

This guy should be ashamed of himself. The second piece was cooked even. https://youtu.be/ZdepN14BhvE

Christine Nevermore

I saw the most epic thing on the Vegas strip this evening, and it deeply saddens me that I did not get a video of it. Four young ladies in their late teens/early 20’s were huddled together posing sexy for group cell phone shot. Then all of a sudden a bird flies past the girls and flaps it’s wing (smack!) right across this one girl’s face as she was making duck lips at the camera. It was awesome! 

Let me tell something about the birds in Las Vegas, they’re completely sick of our shit. Twice now, TWICE, in one week, birds have flown out of trees and dove directly past my ears as I innocently walked by nearly jerking out my earbuds and almost making me drop my cell phone. Damn the man, Alfred Hitchcock! 

So I haven’t paid for any date sites yet. Both Match and ChristianMingle are kinda pricey. Not that I could join either site with any seriousness. It’s just, I really value Bob Gordon’s dating guidance regardless how much of a wretch I would be on those sites.

EXAMPLE: I spend many o’ serious heated hours debating with Christine over the differences between vampirism and cannibalism, one in particular. There’s a difference, Christine! There’s a difference! We’ve ALL seen the movies. We know how it works. First of all, cannibalism is the blood pudding to Swedes, unlike vampirism which is to Vlad who just littered the Saxon villages with impaled corpses. How rude! That’s in part why Swedes look so young for so long. Historically Swedes used the ENTIRE beast including its blood. Whereas your pale kind, Christine, just drinks blood but won’t eat the flesh of the beast for complete protein benefits. You might outlive me, in a pale scrawny unhealthy way, but I’ll always be restored into a young woman, young enough to be carded, UNTIL THE DAY I DIE, Christine! 

UNTIL THE DAY I DIE!

Hypothetically speaking of course. 

For the sake of argument.

Bob Gordon says...

I need to go on ChristianMingles or EHarmony. 

Hmm.

Then again, yesterday Bob and I talked on the phone for almost FIVE HOURS (he’s a talker) about bats, trees, racism, alcoholics, his nephew, and a billion other things. He’s a tough one to follow sometimes. One minute we’re talking about Machu Picchu, and then he’ll throw a curve ball and randomly start talking about his sister and I’m like, “Aaaaand your sister did this while at Machu Pucchu?” Only to learn we’re not talking about Machu Picchu anymore. 

My days off are pretty much spent talking to Bob Gordon for FIVE HOURS at a time. And if you know me at all, you know how much I just LOVE talking on the phone. Yeah. No. But I like talking to Bob. Just wish it was in person and not over the phone. I don’t call him Mister Gordon anymore. Just Bob. Sometimes Bob Gordon. 

Las Vegas is a very lonely place for me sometimes. It’s been difficult meeting people who just want to hang out. It’s like their lives revolve around fucking. Those people just depress me. It seems no one just hangs out unless someone gets to fuck. Boring. Maybe that’s just with straight people? Who knows. I just don’t care about sex anymore. Not really. Sometimes I do but it’s usually in the middle of the night and I take care of it myself, a minute/thirty bam done and I’m back asleep in under three minutes.

Anyway, Bob doesn’t text because he doesn’t have a decent cell phone, or an email address, or a home computer, or GPS as we already established back in January 2017

If I ever do start dating anyone, I’m going to have to bring Bob along, or Bob on speed dial in case the dates go bad there will never be any awkward silences. 

So ChristianMingles ... ?

Q. What brought you to this website?

A. Bob

Q. How religious are you?

A. More than Bob.

Q. What are you hoping to find on ChristianMingles?

A. Better ask Bob.

Total Internet rando's

I tried Bumble. Women are in charge of starting conversations on Bumble. Heads up ladies, don’t talk Trig or cannibalism. Guys don’t dig either.

Bumble is a typical swipe left, swipe left, swipe left, and maybe swipe right on accident or if you like his pictures. And then if he likes your pictures back he swipes right, the girl gets notified, and then the girl is in charge of starting the conversation. Aaaaaand that’s where I lose everyone.

So. Uh. Hey. Hi. Hello. Hey there.

Um

Good afternoon.... ?

Nice weather we're having... ?

Yeah. No.

Bummer, one of the two guys from Match I like is on Bumble, but he’s all into extreme snowboarding, deep sea diving with sharks while they mate, plus sky diving off Mount Fuji-San, and wrestling giant alligators off the Floridian coast.

Good lawd.

I was just thinking a glass of wine or two and maybe a little stranger danger before midnight

I’m not Johnny Dangerous enough for the men on a website called Bumble. Damn. Better up my danger game. Anyone know where I can get some trichloromethane and an IV drip?

Relax. I’m kidding.

Anywho...

I was talking with one guy who lived in Summerlin, but I guess I didn’t respond fast enough to a few of his texts so he played the, “Ok then. Good luck. Take care.” card.

Bye. Drama.

The whole point of texting is to not be pressured into a whole conversation like over the telephone.

You text.

They text.

It’s a leisurely thing among strangers. No pressure.

I like pilots. My loaner husband is a pilot, and I had a pilot friend who also lived on the west side when I lived in Venice.

Pilots are cool.

Good times.

I’m off again tomorrow.

Just an FYI...

I’m 10-15 minutes from McCarran Airport.

MATCHDOTCOM

Bob Gordon says he wants to meet a woman his own age. He said he always thought it would be kinky to finally have sex with a woman his own age, instead of women who are always 15-20 years younger. 

But Bob, you’re in your mid-sixties. 

You want to have sex with a woman in her mid-sixties?

Really??

No. Ok. I totally get it.

I’d like to meet a guy my age too. Someone I’m actually sexually attracted to. Someone in shape. Someone who likes being outdoors a lot. Someone who likes being active OUTDOORS. Someone who eats healthy. Someone who likes sushi, damnit. I’m tired of meeting men who don’t eat Asian food. 

Also,

Someone who isn’t fat.

Match.

Just downloaded the app. 

There’s already two guys on there (seriously) worth the money. Naturally, I had to scan past 300 profiles to find these two. It’s kinda like looking for work in Vegas. Then again I’m not looking for 300 jobs, just two. One of the two guys I “liked” is a grandpa. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t a little lured in at the prospect of being a step-grandma. Smart choice with the photo of you holding your daughter’s baby, mister. At my age, photos of sexy men holding little babies (grandkids) and photos of men hanging out with doggies outdoors, are totally attractive. It shows they like family, dogs, exercise, and playing outside. It’s a good start. 

Anyone ever use Bumble?

Woman isn’t meant to hike the open roads alone. I am officially on a mission.

Brian

Sorry to hear about your divorce. 

But since now you’re single, and I’m single, maybe one day we can have a glass of wine together?

One day.

Mad dog. Maniac.

After Mr Jackoff text me this message, I didn’t immediately reply back to him. What could I possibly say? After what feels like a lifetime of sexually inappropriate texts, regardless of where you met, I’m tired. The next day however, he text me again and apologized for texting that “jack off” message. Being as how I have tomorrow off, and since a few days have now gone by, I reached out to him again. Not five minutes after doing so, he wrote me, online, from a second (meet up) website apparently unaware he was writing MY profile. 

I get meeting/hooking up is a numbers game. It’s all a game. Life’s a game. But this guy has now written my profile, on two different websites, about 6 times in the span of a year, and each message is written as though it’s his first time writing me. 🤦🏻‍♀️

I have tomorrow off. It’s supposed to be 92 degrees and sunny. Beautiful out. Guess I’ll check out some hiking trails.

Marsha, Marsha, Marsha

As I previously mentioned last Tuesday often times interviews in Las Vegas are like auditions. Depending on your occupation, the more elite the company brand, the more people who come to audition.

About 200 other people attended the same audition I went on for the Gold company. After the first interview, I was invited back to a second interview with the Gold company. This is the one company I truly wanted to work for since arriving in Vegas, eleven months ago. So after receiving a call-back from the first interview, I was eager to attend the second interview which would consist of myself and only 20-25 other applicants before a management panel. I was informed via email by Gold’s Human Resources this would take about an hour.

But because I have to work, I accepted a completely less glamorous job at another company, let’s call that the Silver Lining company, and had been working there a week already before receiving the call-back from the Gold company. 

What I really liked about the Gold company was the hours, location, plus it’s glitzy and garish, and would pretty much be the sum of my social life, currently having none to speak of. But that’s how it is in my industry, work is your social life. How else is a single woman nearing 50 going to meet people, online? I can easily lose interest with people online. But meeting people at work you never feel cheated. You chat up people (in person) while getting paid. 

My second interview with the Gold company was last Friday. I have Fridays off at the Silver Lining company, so it worked out. But when I went into work on Thursday, I saw the Silver Lining company changed my schedule to match exactly what the Gold company was offering, without me even mentioning I had a second interview with another company. So I was now offered the same money and hours at the Silver Lining company, plus I had already been there a week. 

Total Marsha moment.

I ended up emailing Gold’s Human Resources and cancelling my interview. Friends in LA said I should have pushed for more money at the Gold company, but when there’s 200 people wanting the same job as the one you’re applying for, you have zero leverage.  

It’s a mind trick. A game. Rather than investing in 1:1 interviews, you see your competition in 200+ cattle calls, and are therefor made to feel extremely grateful, blessed even, when hired. Sure you’re grateful, but it is after all a job. It won't cure cancer or be the sum of your happiness.

So now I’m entering into week three at the Silver Lining company. It’s not glitzy or garish, but it’s reliable like cotton, and a huge corporation. I can move to Palm Springs and work there few years just prior to my eventual retirement. (And maybe finally learn how to golf.)

As for a social life, LA friends are going to have to keep visiting me in Vegas for a while. Maybe I can get a second job working at a golf course. Discount golf lessons? 

Bob Gordon says I can get a job anywhere. All I have to do is...

Jonathan Oddi

Was reportedly a porn star and stripper.

For women?? 

I call bullshit. 

Viva Las Vegas!

There’s like 20 police outside my apartment right now. It seems my upstairs neighbor called 911 on her boyfriend regarding domestic abuse. There’s K9 dogs and (seriously!) 20 police outside my door! 

The guy was on his phone talking to someone outside my living room window just prior. He was telling (whoever) that him and his GF have lived here for a couple months, and that they just got into a giant fight resulting in her calling 911. The police got here super fast. He barely finished saying 911 over the phone when police were yelling at him to get off the phone and get on the ground. They yelled at him to get on the ground three times, and then the K9 dogs started barking. Then like 15 more police officers ran past my window and up the stairs. 

Thankfully I’m working tonight. It’s only 12:17pm and there’s already drama with a bunch of police presence. Whoooooo. Viva Las Vegas! Viva! Viva! Las Vegas!

(Sigh) I miss Venice. 

NO BITCH

From: 
Subject: hi
Message: hope you are having a great day, we are a sexy,well off,generous couple looking for our unicorn to enjoy time with both of us. if you might be interes...

First of all, couples looking for single women to have sex with ARE FUCKING CREEPY AS FUCK. This is why all single women should license conceal carry because of these creepy stalkers.

Wut?

I’m a patient person. I can stand in line. I can sit in traffic. I can listen to people complain. For a while. A short while. You can ask me for directions and if I know it I’ll drop everything and tell you. If I don’t know the way, I’ll look it up on my phone for you. Once. Maybe twice.

But my patience has limits. 

The moment you start asking me for directions to five places, I’m out. Where’s your cell phone? Computer? IPAD? Home telephone? You didn’t think about where you had to go before you left the house? 

Because I’m a woman, people think they can just ask me for anything, mostly for directions, money, and sex, and they actually think I’m supposed to give it to them. 

This one’s my favorite...

I obviously have headsets on and people will stand directly in front of me and just start talking. Full on conversation. No “excuse me” or “pardon me”. It’s amusing. I always play it off like they’re talking on their Bluetooth. I know they’re not, but the lack of etiquette in this country is sad.

Minutes ago, I just asked a guy I text with last week how his weekend was, and he replied, “Great jacked off many times.” 

Um. Ok. 

Classy.

I have the night off and was going to ask if he wanted to grab a drink and get to know each other (much, much) better, but now I think I’ll pass. That’s cool. Whatever. I can do laundry.

The interesting thing about Jackoff is, we might be working together soon. I applied for a company, let’s call it the Gold Company, three weeks ago. That company called me back a week later for an interview. (Interviews in Las Vegas are auditions. The bigger the company brand, the bigger the cattle-call audition. My interview had about 200 other applicants.) We applicants were informed that if we made it to round two, we would receive a phone call later that day. I did not receive a phone call. So a week after my audition/interview I happened to start texting with a guy who works for that very company I interviewed with. Of course I didn’t tell him about the interview.

So now...

A week later, for the past week, I got a job with a different company and have been working there. Then yesterday I received an email from the Gold Company that read, “Congratulations on your first well done interview. We would like to invite you to the second interviewing process with a smaller group before our management panel.” 

I happen to have Friday off, so I’m going. 

Jackoff told me he’s in management, but the Gold Company has many departments and many different branches of management. 

I guess we’ll see if I’ll be standing before Jackoff on Friday. I should probably mention I never actually met Jackoff. How interesting would it be if the first time we met was at my second interview? 

Full blown ninja

“He giggles like a queer.”

Is that an insult when a gay man says it about another gay man?

I’m not familiar with the etiquette.

Is it like... like me saying “He walks like a cowboy.”

On one hand some cowboys are pretty damn HOT, but even the hot ones on occasion walk bull legged. No good.

No limit

“You just got that twitchy look like you got one stuck in the chamber.” 

Best thing I’ve heard so far this year. 

Gay men pretending to be straight.

We all know (at least) one.😉

You’re nobody

‘til somebody loves you

So find yourself somebody to love 

Libidinous interruptus

Dreaming. I was in bed with (an ex-porn) guy, cozy, half asleep. He was naked laying partly on top of me. I ran my hand across his shoulder and down his back. His skin was smooth, cool. And as I caressed him, he fully woke up and kissed me twice. Amazing kiss. Long. Lingering. Full lips. Its been years. I could have kissed him like that for hours. Then the dream just got weird. There was a skateboard, a giant gold fish, a whale in a swimming pool, and I was mad at my brother for not fixing my surf board. I hate when hot dreams unexpectedly twist.

At 4am this morning, after watching two hours of Sex and the City, I made up my bed and actually slept in it until 8am this morning. I’ll go back to sleep around noon or 1pm until 5pm, wake up and start my night. Go to work. 

I need to start sleeping in the bed. Get off the couch. Practice. Two people won’t sleep comfortably on my couch.

Unless...

How big is your couch?

NOT sex and the city

When you work nights/graveyard and have the night off, you’re awake at 2:25am eating a frozen burrito and watching reruns of Sex and the City. Miranda’a mom had a heart attack and died.

Yeaaaa cable.

WHY DRUGS?!

Why don’t people ever offer me really nice bottles of red wine?

And by “party favors” you mean a couple bottles of Souverain Cabernet Reserve, right? RIGHT?

No?

Heroin???

Gawd damnit

Drugs

If I actually accepted all the drugs that’s been freely offered to me in the last year, I could have a pretty decent side business.

My night off

I’m off tonight.

Aaaauuuggggghhhhh!!!!!!!

I haven’t left my couch all day except to the grocery store, and that was at 8:30am. 

It’s Tuesday, industry night here in Vegas. But that would mean I’d have to leave my couch.

Hmm

Decisions. 

Right now at 6pm I’m an hour into the start of my (day) night. Problem when your day starts at 5pm and you have the night off, WTF do I do? Do I watch TV or go to a casino lounge. TV? Casino? Industry meet and greet? PLUS it’s 100 degrees outside. 

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Ok right now I’m going to write Aramis a long irritating email. I literally have nothing to do until 9:30pm when I have a phone call to make. So...

Dear Aramis,

Hello. How are you? I’m on my couch, in a pair of shorts, grey shorts, cloth shorts. Did I mention I’m on my couch? I got these shorts at Target I think. Maybe it was Ross? So anywho...

😂

I totally made myself laugh just now. Oh yeah. That’s the start of a real email I’m sending Aramis.

I need to never have nights off. This is terrible.

I’m gonna stroke you good and hard!

Dear economy, prepare yourself. I got the job. You know what that means. I make money, you make money, everyone makes money. Yea baby. C’mon! You like the way I stroke you. Don’t lie.

(Sigh)

I still sleep on the couch. I need to stop doing this but the bed is where I put my clean folded laundry. Oh sure I have a dresser but why bother with all that time consuming opening and closing of dresser drawers, when I can just fold my laundry on the bed and leave it there.

Yup. I need to not be single.

You can only hand job the economy for so long before you start feeling used.

Let’s fall madly in love and destroy everything good in our lives.

Who’s in?! ✋🏻

I need to be DP’d!!

And by DP I mean DEADPOOL of course.

SNL

I’m guessing they paid her with an all you can eat buffet.

Sorry stormtroopers

This is a Jedi holiday. The rest of you in the Galactic Empire get back to work.

Move over George

How exactly does one get to “Las Vegas bad boy” status while in Las Vegas? Asking for a friend.

Keanu Reeves

You still fascinate me. Let’s get naked, Netflix and chill.

Nerdgirl

May the fourth be with you!

If you really love me

You’ll take me to see Deadpool 2!