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I woke up to an inch of water on my bathroom floor. That’s it. I can’t take the fun times any longer.

A pipe burst. My apartment stunk like sewage for an entire day. Good times. The cleaning lady was fast and amazing but she stole my toilet paper. Not the toilet paper still in the package, she stole toilet paper from the role. WT (serious) F?

The guy above me comes home at 3am, slams things around, stomps on the floor, and religiously wakes me up precisely at 3am. He makes stupid loud noise juuuust long enough until I’m fully awake and then he suddenly gets quiet. 

Not to mention... 

The junkies shootings up heroin on the side of my building in broad daylight in front of kids, aaaand the hookers using my laundry room as a go-to date place IN BROAD DAYLIGHT. 

“Don’t move downtown it’s ghetto.”

As opposed to... ?

I moved.

Shut up. Come over. I’ll make lasagna. 

I found a nice little apartment. Suits me just fine. It’s walking distance in between Fremont and the art district. And if you’re too bougie’ to hang above the strip then I guess you don’t get any wine. Or lasagna. 

I’m watching ‘Fear and loathing in Las Vegas’. 

“Don’t fight it. You’ll get brain bubbles.”

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Let people talk shit, girl.

Who cares

She’s just jealous of you.

Your friends love you. 

MY girl friends are amazing. I got their backs, always. Need a place to crash? Drink bottles of wine? Order Chinese food until we both go into kung pao comas? Girl, I got you! 

I know exactly who you’re talking about. Her friends will stab her in the back for a slice of cheese. Oh well, she has 350,000 followers on Instagram. Who needs real friends when you got Instagram? 

Giiiiirl 

If I had that “I would climb any mountain; Sail across the stormy sea; If that’s what it takes me baby; To show how much you mean to me” kind of love, I wouldn’t want him sleeping with other women. Yup, I’m old fashion vanilla romantic that way. BUT considering I haven’t had that “Feels like the first time” kind of love since my actual first love back in 1989, game on! Lets! 

And that Ben, is called being a moderate conservative.

Ben Shapiro criticized me by saying “There’s no such thing as a moderate conservative.” Let’s agree to disagree oh ye young man who has not yet begun to live. 

And by “live” I mean had your insides gutted by a significant other, at least ten times over, forcing you to start over again, and again, and again, in a studio apartment with blankets on the windows for curtains, and drinking beer out of cans. Cans, god damnit! Oh the horror! 

We’ve all been there. Wait your turn. 

They may have made you famous. But I made you an otter. An otter! I turned an ex fiancé into a lawyer. So I think I’m getting better, no?

Moving on

Hey guess what?

I hate football. Always have.

Stop being so sensitive. I had a pair of Nikes once. 6th grade. $40. Classic white with red Nike stripe. And then I was introduced to New Balance, and just like all my other relationships, I dumped up. 

Speaking of dumping up, Netflix cancelled Michelle Wolf. 

BYE FELICIA 

Hear that? It’s a baby. 

A nonstop screaming crying baby. 

Fine

Challenge accepted. 

Let’s see who can scream louder.

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Around the world 

Around the world