Can you just NOT?

...And then my sunglasses broke. 

“Where are your sunglasses??” They kept asking me all day with unnecessary concern. 

(Sarcasm) 

Dope deal gone bad. Shit got serious. Lost my shades. Don’t want to talk about it. 

(Small town cerebral hemorrhage)

“But... you don’t do drugs.”

(Hypothetical question)

This is Vegas. I don’t have to do drugs to be in a dope deal. Christ. Where are you from?

“Altoona.”

Pennsylvania?

“No. Iowa. It’s a small town just...”

Sshhh. I don’t really care.

There are places you can go a few days without sunglasses. Las Vegas in June, is not one of them. Everyone gets concerned when you’re not wearing sunglasses. Everyone.

I’m not allowed nice sunglasses. I bought a nice expensive pair of sunglasses once. ONCE. And lost them in a casino the very next day about (oh) 23 years ago. Since then, I buy all my sunglasses on the Venice boardwalk, at Target, and the local gas station. Some things don’t require labels to look nice. No one cares what type of mower you use to manicure your lawn, so long as your yard doesn’t look like a Vietnam war zone in the jungles of Quang Ngai.

Hanes compared a baby kangaroo pouch to their men’s underwear cradling man junk.

Baby kangaroos. 

Man balls. 

You see the equal similarities, right? 

Ummm...

Right?

Testicles. Kangaroos.

RIGHT??

Hanes. Yeah. No.

When are they going to start making panties that cradle lippy vaginas? **Asking for a friend.**

Whist online looking at apartments in Chi Town, I’m also seeing what Asian restaurants are nearby. I will meet people who drink, and eat Asian food. Oh yes. Yes I will. 

I have about 6 years before I can move into most (west coast) senior housing. Until then, I have to save money for my eventual retirement and funeral.

Big Bear senior facility requires you to be 62 years old. That sucks. Who knows if I’ll even live that long. Most senior homes require their residents to be only 55 years old. WTF Big Bear? And I recently learned that 30 year old males really will sexually harass a woman at any age. I’m almost 50 years old. WHY would you, mister 30 year old guy, sexually harass a 50 year old woman?? I know I look younger but the GREY HAIR should give my age away regardless. Freaks. 

I wrote a formal complain against the gas station security guard that sexually harassed me. I’m a writer. I do these types of things when young guys hit on me, more so, because I’m horribly creeped out. I know how I look, but it doesn’t remove the fact that I’m almost fucking 50 years old, you little pervert. It just creeps me out when young men think 50 year old women are hot. 

“But you look so young.” Does not remove the facts, you disgusting FREAK.

And another thing, will someone please tell that stupid fucking woman to STOP emailing me. Thanks in advance. Are we friends? Hell no. Stop emailing me, you psycho nutjob. You email someone ONCE. One time. If you don’t get a reply, you never email them again, STALKERS. Them be the rules that keep you out of jail, and prevent you from being shot at. You can admire me, that’s cool, just do it from afar. Way afar. Waaaayyy the fuck afar. Farther than once upon a time in a land far, far away, afar. 

And as I’m doing the old lady grumble, randomly shoving things with unnecessary force into my purse, as old ladies do when irritated, I completely forgot what was already in my purse prior to the random shoving of more things... and then my sunglasses broke.