Years ago, years from now

Just because,

Back when I lived in San Francisco, one day I got on an Amtrak train, then another, then another, and rode around the country, stopped in Minnesota, visit family, then got back on another Amtrak train, then another, then another, until I was back in San Francisco. I saw the countryside. I wrote a lot. I read more. I drank expensive little bottles from the bar cart. Finally experienced a train dining car (nothing like in the movies). And I met a guy.

Wish I still had the writings from that trip.

I want to go somewhere. Anywhere but here.

FINALLY got around to seeing the movie ST. VINCENT. Loved it. As much as I love Bill Murray, Naomi Watts, as Daka, was brilliant. And the movie reminded me why I love movies in the first place --to go somewhere else.

In his later years, my dad only wanted me to be happy. That was a big deal to him, being happy. I'm happiest when I'm with my friends. They don't want or expect anything from me. If I could meet a guy I like who doesn't make me feel like I HAVE to do this (thing) with him or we're not speaking to each other for 7 months, I could actually be happy there too. Never happens. I'm always having to deal with ultimatums put on me, where I have to do (this) and I have to do (that) or else. Nothing good comes from it and yet men continue doing this.

I like what I like, but I don't get mad if you're not into it. I'll do it with, or without you. Live and let live. Know what I mean? But some people...

They don't want to do it with you, so (in their mind) you must not want to do it anymore. Or doing it without them will somehow lessen the experience for you. But you and I know, that's just not reality.

In preparing my eternal rest, I'm doing so as a single woman. If I get married I'll adjust, but I'm not looking to get married specifically for that reason. The whole, "I don't want to die alone" I'm guessing isn't going to be the final thought going through my mind, knowing myself as I do.

I'd like someone to take my ashesand go somewhere they've never been but always wanted to go. You could use the excuse, "I have to lay my friend to rest" as reason to take off work. I dare any employer to challenge that. And I'll leave all of whatever money I have just for this specific task.

The details need some hammering out.

This cremation place will even let me write my own obituary.

In talking with friends, it seems everyone knows where they want to be buried, or have their ashes spread.

How do you guys know??

I have no clue.

For my birthday I'm giving myself

An urn! No kidding.

People think they're going to live forever. Not me. I give myself 10 more years and that's being generous. I'm not a drug user. I don't smoke. I'm not promiscuous. I do however run my body and mind into the ground at least four days a week. Before it was six days a week and I've been doing it for YEARS. It's a nervous tick. Habitual tension. Mental anxiety. Fuck this feeble human body I have things to do!

A.D.D. OCD. I internalize EVERYTHING.

Hello, Heart Disease!

I'm severely irritated if I have to stop what I'm doing because I have to pee, or sleep, or eat, or be somewhere else. Drives me insane. And I know I'm not alone or it wouldn't be a reoccurring question on every psyche evaluation.

If I need this 95 pound (something) from the top shelf NOW, I'll get a hernia, hemorrhoids, and a brain aneurysm, pulling it down myself rather than waiting 15 minutes for help. It's kind of unfair really. I'm an organ donor and I'm constantly beating myself up.

Performing inventory on my organs, ok look, the heart, lungs, and liver are all shot to hell, BUT my eyes are still good, possibly both kidneys, I'm freakishly strong, I can lift my end of the couch up three flights of stairs no problem, though I have no idea what organ you would pitch that to for a potential donor recipient. The pancreas??

I can't question anymore WHY people are dying so young these days. All I can can do is prepare.

I've chosen to be cremated. Upon doing my research, I'm impressed with how modern these cremation places have become. I'm an organ donor, so god willing I die in public, one cremation place will retrieve my body from the hospital to the cremation (place) in the event I'm single and there is no one available to make other arrangements. I think I'm just supposed to carry the papers around on my body so there's instructions what to do in the event of my death. All, of course, within 40 miles. The cremation place will retrieve my body free of charge within 40 miles. I mean they're not a limousine service.

So...

I'm gonna be cremated. There's biodegradable urns. Pretty cool.

If you've already made the decision to be cremated, why buy a $1,570 cast bronze urn? Why be cremated just to linger in an urn on someone's shelf? Tons of money spent on domestic technology to rid dust from your house. The last thing I want is to be the debris in someone's house equivalent to dust they can't get rid of.

Just know, if someone expects you to keep an urn of their ashes in your house, that someone,  hates you.

They're right about you

"You're a bloody psychopath."

High functioning sociopath. With your number. --SH

I'm avoiding everyone, binge watching Sherlock, with Benedict Cumberbatch, and Martin Freeman (as Dr. John Watson)... white Christmas lights glowing everywhere in the background.

I know. I know. I saw all the 'Sherlock' eps with Aramis, back in 2012, but here we are again.

My dad's widow gave me some childhood photos she found around their house. Christmas was my dad's holiday. He really loved it. Put everything together. Decorations. Did all the cooking. He was the cheer of the holiday. All holidays really. Without him now... we're just... well I'm binge watching Sherlock.

Truthfully, even if dad were alive today on Christmas Eve, I would still be in a quiet room binge watching Sherlock.

I appreciate the spirit of the holidays, but being non religious, a cynic, nonetheless spending a festive day with friends and loved ones, it is, for me, just another day.

My lungs can't take the cold. I have bad lungs. It cut my cigarette smoking down to a mere 10 years of consumption resulting in a lung infection, doctor's office, second lung infection, hospital, respiratory infection, hospital, almost died, thus no more cigarettes. I've sneaked one or two since I quit years ago, point being, my lungs can no longer stand the cold, or being around constant smokers...

Which is why during the months of December-March I'm held up where I think I'll be bothered the least by remaining family. Success!!!!

I would happily spend Christmas Eve alone with my dad's widow, just she and I, but the moment another member of family entered the room... well... thank god for wine, headsets and Netflix.

Both my grandfathers died young, when I was very young. My dad's dad, my grandpa in Utah, died very suddenly. I was very little. I remember one evening dad getting a phone call, and the next day he was on a plane back to Utah to bury my grandfather. In those days you didn't talk about death. Grandpa died. The end. These are the last photos of me and my grandpa before he died.

https://instagram.com/p/BObJPFih-J5/

https://instagram.com/p/BObJck-B_-U/

I only ever knew my other grandfather, the one from Minnesota, laying in bed at home hooked up to life support machines. I only ever knew him while he was dying. And then one day he wasn't in bed anymore.

Both my grandmothers died when I was in my 20's. And my father died last year. These (were) all the people I loved to be around.  So as you can imagine, holidays with my family now, for me, are nothing more than a thin herd of people I often hear myself replying "Why??" when they say things like, "We should spend more time together."

Needless to say I'm not the type of person to participate in "ugly Christmas sweater day." I prefer spending my holidays with people I like, sharing a meal, drink, or just hanging out watching movies. I find the way adults treat holidays with other adults rather suspect. Take for example Valentine's Day. I have google. I read about Saint Valentine. But WHY does that translate into (the one day) where love and/or romance demands acknowledgement above all other days, with possibly the acceptance of your wedding anniversary? Why can't my lover surprise me with a home cooked meal and a foot massage, out of the blue one day in June, and say, "Happy Valentines Day." Isn't every day Valentines Day, for lovers?

Anyway, for you religious holiday people, this next photo is for you. If there truly is a Heaven, and by some chance I found my way there, you can blame this guy, the one I'm apparently trying to strangle https://instagram.com/p/BObJsSHhsKO/

Merry Christmas🎄if you insist. As you can see I found it all rather suspicious back then as well https://instagram.com/p/BObKCAzB2__/

Because I'm walking and blogging

And can't hold a thought in my head longer than 30 seconds at a time.

Not to be cold but

The amount of fuck I give regarding Prime Ministers, compared to what happens here on U.S. soil, well there is no comparison. It's another terrible political death, nothing less, nothing more.

Edit: My bad. Embassador. All that I wrote up there still applies. Just more so.

Bad timing

My last two "blogs" were just quotes from Sherlock Holmes.

Hearing Moscow, say "We haven't bombed Aleppo, since October 18" is like hearing a junkie say, "I haven't shot up in two months. I'm totally clean now."

I wonder what percentage of U.S. Military think they should be in Aleppo?

Four serial suicides and now a note

It's Christmas! --Sh

I'm not a psychopath, Anderson

I'm a high-functioning sociopath. Do your research! --Sh

three words

And you misspelled two of them. Yay public school system!!

And by "stocker" you mean

He comes to my house when I'm out and arranges my canned goods into little pyramids?

Smart enough

To not be fined $70,000. You??

This

is going to make a good story. Not great. But good.

Better than your 'I don't rape women' story.

He's old with Alzheimers. What's your excuse?

A beautiful mind

I go into comas all the... zzzzz... French toast, please.
--Grandpa Simpson

Stop giving out your phone number

I used a disposable phone for YEARS. Now I use kik, signal, shadowed by ninjas to meet and greets, and hire snipers to sit on the roof if dates come over. WELCOME TO OUR WORLD. 

There's emails sitting in my inbox right now from people who have messaged me over a dozen times I CLEARLY have no interest meeting, or lost interest years ago... but there they are again.

You're not supposed to

...hit on your driver. Though I've been hit on many times by limo drivers taking us to strip clubs. So...

Depends on the company?

Adam

My hot Lyft driver just fist me!

Fist bump me.

He fist bump me.

I didn't know we were supposed to do that.

So... Like... I know this is kinda... inappropriate... but... Now that you know where I'm staying... What time ya get off?;)

I want you to WANT to

....wash the dishes!

Whaa..... Why?

Why is that important?

Dishes are dirty. Wash them. Regardless if you want to or not.

The whole "I want you to want to" as though making money isn't enough, doesn't make sense to me. I want to make money. You want to make money. See, this is probably the only place where I relate with other Koreans. Let's make some money. We may not like each other but if we all do our jobs properly we all make some money.

Earning a living is not an unconscionable concept.

My dream job

Pay me to hang out with my friends. Pay me to hang out with people I love and care about.

If you say NO

There will be 1,000 people instantly trying to get you to say YES. Power struggle. It's their weakness. Use it to your advantage. Then again, perhaps this only works for women.

Why do you want to work here?

For the paycheck. Cash money.

Is there any other answer?

Why? Because you pay me to, or I wouldn't bother.

CA 63. MN 1.

As in DEGREES. Don't regret the decision to move. Don't regret it.

High school smoking lounge

Remember? We had one. Every high school back then had a smoking lounge for juniors, seniors, and staff. You'd see the science teacher flicking a bick for the kid he graded a D- on the last exam. Smoking lounges, M80's, fist fights. What happened to fist fights?? Bar fights?? FIGHT CLUB! Everyone just grabs a gun now and starts shooting.

It wasn't perfect then. But it's far worse now than we ever imagined.

It's like when we were kids

And we'd cross the boarder into Canada, near the end of June, and buy M80's off some roadside "fireworks" stand. M80's, cheap Heineken, and Native American jewelry.

You know, Fourth of July, stuff.

Garage days revisited

I'm not saying you shouldn't. I'm just saying that's not what it's used for.

Do your thing

I got bail money;)

SOME women are very smart

They'll lift a man up or down for her amusement. It's not that those men are stupid, it's that he's not guarded 24/7 and some women will wait, and wait, and wait, until they see an opening.

I know those women

Very well

It's a pity they only play with men

No shame in slumming

Call it what it was, and move on.

Move on!

She's tiny like me

She can pull that pity out of you anytime she wants. Half the fun of you knowing, is so it makes her game more challenging. Read C. Jung. He explains how/why people divide within themselves the good from bad, securing all that is decent and loving in a well guarded place, allowing them to indulge the evils of man, or in this case, woman. Very few female serial killers reported in history because most women are nurture by nature, but those who are not are very rarely caught, because like most women, once she has her mind set on something she is meticulous with details alongside a premeditated drive. If more women studied psychology, we would be the most ruthless of generals in any war.

garage days revisited

It's called slumming. We all do it.

Patriotic Google

Don't tap the American flag.

Don't do it.

Don't

Do it

Yo MC!

You mean learn to PISS! Something that comes natural. You're gonna teach me how to piss? Neat. So something I did uncontrollably in my diapers as a baby (and again in oh heck let's say 20 years) turns you on??

Days of Oakland

And Berkeley. And San Francisco. China Town. The Omni. The Bay Area. My first home away from home. My second tattoo. The first place I was called an Asian Barbie doll, of course by some ugly white chick, and my second girl on girl bar fight! Good times.;) (SF)The Stone. Death Angel. Testament. Like Tony Bennett, (SF) I left my heart in San Francisco...

The Bay Area has all my love and compassion. It's where I left my heart.

The Omni.

Met people who I'm still friends with today. Good people.

You have all my love and compassion.

I wanted to buy porn

But after a half hour shopping for something hot and sexy, there was nothing! The women were flat chested 12 year old boys, or they were spitting on each other, or pissing, or the guys were trolls, or it was all about anal sex (major turn off!!) or the women were hideous, or there was pussy hair (yuck!!)...

Don't beautiful people just fuck on film anymore??

No kidding no one pays for porn anymore. Pay for what?! Everything that doesn't turn me on. NO ONE makes porn for straight women!

I love social media

I love knowing who's emails, texts, and phone calls to never return. Ever.

"Taking all the sexy out of sex since..."

That's your tag line. You make me sick.

It's not pee!

It's squirt. The magical potion of estrogen and menstrual cycles. Caffeine free and citrus flavored. Mmmmmmmmmm!!! She said with sarcasm.

I love uneducated white people

Who are oblivious to female human anatomy. You guys are awesomely stupid. Good times!;)

How do you NOT laugh?!

Robert, is the uncle who will take you to a strip club/taxidermy, and then gripe for three hours about "fairies" taking over the world... And Jay, is the uncle who will fly in barely legal prostitutes from Hong Kong, while complaining about the poor work ethics of millennials. "Look at these hard working young girls from Hong Kong! They're willing to travel to the U.S. to earn their living! American girls, are just lazy!"

Bunch old old guys talking stupid. How do you not laugh?! It's funny!

I'm very patient

I can wait.

Waiting is half the fun.

Ottawa

I'm not really into it but it's the last home game for two weeks.:/

And it's at 1pm.:/

Dude!

You know the lyrics to Conga, by Miami Sound Machine!

"buttons"

I will never understand it. If you say, "This button came from a man's shirt" and "that button came from a woman's shirt. They're both still buttons!

I guess what I'm trying to say is, you're queer, you're here, and I'm used to it!

Which queers?

Who are "those queers" exactly? West Hollywood queers, Miami queers? ?? Not San Francisco, those dudes are just straight up fags.;) FYI I think only queers call gay men queers. Except Fabian. Everyone knows he only loves lady butts. And by "lady butts" I mean...

I love reading sex forums

I love knowing who's emails, text, and phone calls to never return. Ever.

I miss our morning

mouthwash dance-offs

Ya know, sometimes I wonder

If these guys ever want their engagement rings back? Like the guy who proposed to me when I was 25 years old, who told me to hang on to the ring, does he still think there's a chance we're getting married?

Technically 5'1... maybe?

Although to be (perfectly) honest I personally stopped measuring myself at 5 feet. I really don't know if I'm 5'2. When I get physicals I never ask. I just say 5'2 because it sounds better than 5'1. Plus I'm always wearing heels.

My friends kids were taller than me by the time they entered junior high school, if that's any indication.

Dominate little tiny me?

If some guy were to ever TRY the whole power/dominant game with me, I would hope all his male buddies would give him endless shit by saying, "So you dominated her huh? Wow bro. What is she, size 4, 5'2? And you dominated her? Seriously bro, that's, that's fucking impressive."

I'm single. It's not swinging.

I'm not going to stand there, do nothing, and watch my date fuck some woman. I need attention/cock too. That's why FMF sucks for me. I'll just get bored. And if I'm not into the chick at all, there's absolutely no need for me to be there.

"Women only"

He doesn't want to watch his wife fuck another dude. I can see him sending her out to get fucked by another guy if she's driving him mental and he wants the house to himself!

It's also why I will never give up having my own little place on the side. I like the all knowing discreet "don't ask, don't tell" policy. I understand polyamory. Do the naughty things with your side chick you don't want to knowingly see your wife doing. That's your wife. Mother of your kids.

I have more love and respect for marriage, than most people think.

gimme stranger danger!

It's why people (myself included) love amateur porn, we don't know who they are. I've seen dudes I've hooked up with in the past, in porn movies and I'm like, "ehh pass". I know that dude. Not hot.

It's hot until you know them. Then the lust and fantasy is gone. It's just how I'm wired.

Stranger danger!

Dozens of men have declared their love for me, and none of them have ever wanted to see me fuck another guy. Play separate, sure. Sit around and watch some dude fuck me, no. I wouldn't want him to either. How is that NOT being cuckold? "Oh my god his cock feels so good baby!" And the love of your life is just sitting there doing nothing, watching, how is that NOT being a cuckold? I wouldn't want my guy, who I loved, just sitting there. I'd lose respect for him. Love does things to the mind. I could only love a masculine dominant man over other men. But that's how I'm wired. It's also why I remain single. I love men to watch. Just not MY man.

I understand when single men say, "I could never enjoy watching a woman I love fuck another guy." I get it. I'm wired the same way. I don't care if he fucks other women but I'm not just going to stand there and watch. Strangers, sure. Absolutely. I can watch strangers fuck. It's hot. Someone I'm in love with however, probably not.

I tried getting my childhood love to swing with me, but he is far wiser than I am. I'd hate THAT to be thing that breaks up our lifelong friendship/companionship.

Madly in love?

If these couples spent less time trying to convince the world how "madly in love" they are with each other, and more time just BEING in love, their love would actually seem believable.

He probably shouldn't say

"But you look like a kid" and "you could totally still do porn" in the same sentence.

That's such a gross turn off.

I've never had a genuine interest. My body, my rules. I'm picky. I don't care if I have sex or not. Makes no difference to me. I'm perfectly sexually happy masturbating. The sex industry has spent billions for women to perfect masturbation so we don't need a man around. I much rather you watch, want, get angry, jerk off, than touch me. If I'm not into you 120% we're not having sex. I've settled before just for the experience and it was the worst sex ever. No thanks.

Blue tape

When you're in your 80's, do you think you'll still feel 50, or is it all dementia by then?

I'm officially grossed out

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Bitches

A more common term among younger European men, I think. The first time I heard it was with a guy from Switzerland who said he lost his virginity to a bitch. I think I said something like, "I'm sorry she was mean" and he just looked at me funny. 

I think it's just short for "bitch in heat" as in, no woman would choose to be a hooker unless she was a bitch in heat. I've only ever heard that term from younger Euro men.

Kevin Spacey, said it best

When asked for the one-millionth time about his sexuality, Kevin Spacey, replied, "There was a time when a man could be discreet and he was considered a gentleman."

Best response ever.

Life or death sex

I'm going to assume that's worse than grudge sex!;)

I don't think people bear in mind it truly is OK if we don't have sex. I MUCH RATHER masturbate than deal with emotionally unstable, violent, rapey creeps. Also, full disclosure is cool, but I don't need to know every single person a guy (or girl) has had sex with. It's not necessary and (for me) it's a giant turn off. There was a girl who, everyone eventually knew her, she played with everyone, didn't matter who, what, where, when, or why. She just indiscriminately fucked everyone. Truthfully I think she has a mental problem. But she should have changed her name to "Oh you fucked her too??" And when a guy I was interested in wrote me to meet for a drink, I put an end to it ASAP before it began if I saw a testimonial by her.

I'm old school. It's ok (I guess) if you want to be a whore, just have some class or at the very least some self respect about it. You like to fuck. A lot. At random. I get it. Can you just not advertise it? 

 I'm old. I like my packaging all pretty, new, and shiney, smelling like daisies and honey! lol;)

Low rotation. High volume intensity.

Though... Nowadays... I want like 4 different blood tests... I want every blood, semen, and saliva test... I've been tested for TB!!! Hardcore!!! Have you been tested for TB??!!... Do they test for lepracy???? Have YOU been tested for lepracy??? lol!;)

Turberculosis

That was the skin test & why they did X-Rays. I've been exposed to TB but do not have TB, obviously or we wouldn't have worked together. Some time, somewhere I breathed the same air as someone infected with TB. Chances are they didn't even know they had TB.

Dude, they can find everything and anything in your body now. After my car accident the X-Ray tech said, "Your jaw pops when you talk and chew, doesn't it."

It does.

Remember when smallpox made a brief come-back! Everyone was running out and getting vaccinated! Weren't we vaccinated for that as kids? Up until the 80's, right?

It's a shame. I love certain play but...

Too afraid these days.

You have Shingles to look forward to. I've already had it.

How fucked up is it that all humans have the Shingles virus in them even after chickenpox our bodies are like "Hell no! There's more!"

Men masturbating solo

This isn't a popular subject in porn, is it. Not even in gay porn. I've been looking past 15 minutes for a video where it's just white men, beefy bears, solo, ages 40-55, masturbating... in the gay porn section... to no avail.

Can't a straight girl just watch a man masturbate?! Seriously!!

Fuck it.

I've got a camera. Access to pro cams. I'm going to start filming men. I've even got access to cranes!!

Who wants to jerk off for me? Wide angle lense!! Huh? Huh? Who's with me?!

No one makes porn for straight women. We want to see men dammit.:)

Just men. Alone. Solo. NO PUSSY. Just men. Jerking off with giant cum loads.

"Hey buddy. You look kinda beefy. When was the last time you came? Four days? Perfect!! Care to jerk off for me and let me film it?"

Three doctor rule

If three health care professionals agree, I trust it. More than three healthcare professionals have prescribed tetracycline in my lifetime, and luckily I've never experienced the side effect of itchy butt, or black hairy tongue! And even if I did get those side effects I wouldn't think it was the tetracycline!;)

penicillin?

When I got shot with a pellet gun. I forget about the hole in my ankle until I see photos of my leg, and oh hey, that's right, I got shot once. After getting shot was the last time a doctor accidentally gave me penicillin, which put me in anaphylactic shock.

I'm allergic to penicillin, or so I've always been told. But now, according to NBC Nightly News, with Lester Holt, I may not REALLY be allergic to penicillin. According to NBC I might have been misdiagnosed. WTF?!

Not that tetracycline has been bad for me, I'm still alive, so...

But, really, am I allergic to penicillin or not?!

Sure I could get tested again. But then another 10 years from now I might get another accidental dose of penicillin, and OOPS, no, our bad, you're really allergic after all.

** If it's not the penicillin putting me in anaphylactic shock, than I don't really need to know what is at my age. Let's just continue blaming it on the penicillin. **

Everyone's a pro

Even the guy who crunches numbers for a living, if he has a search engine, he's suddenly a medical professional.

You can get Hep B vaccination at any age as long as there isn't a (current) strain of it in your blood. Back in *2004, I shared a coworkers fork a few times sharing a quick meal. Within that year my coworker told me she tested positive for Hep B and that I should get tested. The doctor who performed my test, while waiting for my results, asked why I was getting tested. I explained to him the situation with my coworker. My test result came back positive. The doctor told me the Hep B strain was so tiny it could only have come from sharing a toothbrush or a fork with someone, i.e. my coworker. The doctor said not to worry, I didn't require medication, or any medical attention, and the strain would disappear on its own, leaving only a trace of its existence.

See, doctors, health care professionals, actually know what they're talking about!

In 2008, I got a job feeding elderly people. This job required me to get FBI fingerprinted, and ran blood tests, testing me for HIV, hepatitis, etc., and even polio. My Hep B test came back negative but there was a tiny trace of its past existence though not "active". I was able to continue working with the elderly. The doctors at (this) laboratory told me my new place of employment offers Hep B vaccination. For me, in 2008, the vaccination was a series of three shots. I got the first shot at the laboratory, the second shot three days later, and the third shot two weeks later. Is the vaccination bullet proof? No. I already had a tiny strain of it four years prior, but why risk ANYTHING giving or receiving??

Are eggs good for you? Milk? Who knows?! When did humans become allergic to gluten?!

So...

Much as I would LOVE to listen to people (not medical professionals) talk about diseases, prevention, and (if any) cure. I'm going to continue listening to my health care professionals who are agreeable with one another.

FYI: You can have trace strain of Hep B in your blood and still donate blood to Red Cross, or at least you used to, you just can't have "active" Hep B. So there's my contribution to morning scare!

Regardless...

You're wearing a condom. ;)

cutting edge

Do they test for flesh eating bacteria? Is flesh eating bacteria an STD or an STI?? Look, I don't want to wake up one morning with half my leg missing!!!!!! Test me for flesh eating bacteria!!! Not saying I have it but, there HAVE been occasion where... It was questionable... And... Wait. Do condoms protect you from flesh eating bacteria????? OMG I've said "flesh eating bacteria" enough times now I'm POSITIVE I have it!!!! OMG I just said "positive"... Someone get me get me a bag I'm hyperventilating!!!!! ;)

Condoms

You're wearing them or we're not having sex. Simple.

You know it's "ok" to not have sex, right?

I love the forums. I know who's emails not to respond to.

Thank you for coming!

I've got quite the growing collection of men KIK'ing me videos of them jerking off and cumming. Know I watch the videos DAILY and play with myself while doing so. So hot! Thank you!

Iz you mad?

You no can haz cheezeburger!!

Same could be said about Gaga

She thought her billions of fans could win an election. Clearly majority of America, didn't give a goddamn what Gaga had to say politically. ALSO means a great amount of her American fans said, "Love your music. Couldn't care less about your politics" and then voted for Trump.

Anthony Weiner... And I don't need to say any more.

Also...

One small observation, people like Jon Oliver, really need to tone down their disapproval of how this last presidential election turned out. And when I say "people like Jon Oliver" I mean people who didn't grow up here. He's not from here (or so says Wiki, and his English accent). It's like me having OUTRAGE over England's current prime minister. I couldn't care less. Canada's current prime minister is smoking hot, and that's the extent of my care regarding prime ministers. But for Jon Oliver, to have outrage, fuck off, or is it "piss off"? I love his show, but an 8 year old poodle from Wichita, Kansas, has more American political street cred.

Agreed, the U.S. is the most powerful nation among nations, but we're only as powerful as our weakest citizen, and we need to start taking care of those citizens at HOME before anyone else. I'm not saying be cruel, be unkind, I'm saying priorities at home need to be addressed or we're no good for anyone else.

Huh

How about that

I think I used the same line to break up with my last boyfriend.

You suck at politics

I told you

Repeatedly

There's no such thing as coincidence. 

I'm sure you're familiar with the principle of cause and effect.

J. FOX MULANEY SYNDROME is serious!!!

I explain what that is in this blog http://myplaidskirttorpedoes.blogspot.com/2016/01/id-like-to-thank-thank-acadamy-and-jesus.html?m=1

"No one thinks you're funny"

My dad (may he rest in peace) has monopoly on that sentence. THEY don't think I'm funny because we've never met. THEY don't know I'm only 5'2 and cuter than a bug's nose, AND that I stopped aging at the age of 14 ...

Both mentally and physically.

YOU don't think I'm funny because you have no sense of humor, and you were bred by Eskimos who kiss by rubbing noses. Not sure how procreation works among them but that's a porno I never need to see.

Bye Felicia!

See my ass in Vegas!

She's a teaser

And she's got no heart at all;) https://youtu.be/3z8qO5YP8yU

Their by the grace of god

Get it? ;)

Yo Donald!

Narrowing down potential members of Cabinet is called a "short list" not "finalists" unless you intend making them parade around in bikinis and then evening gowns.;)

"Goddamnit Tina..."

"Look... Look here, Tina... You do... You do what Ike tells you to do... See... See... See here... Ike done made you... Ike can break you... Done fuck up a good thing... That's on you... That's your fault... See... See that... Your fault."

He's up on the mountain writing his manifesto "The Mad Uniblogger"

His last email asked if I would ever consider him for a serious swinger relationship. Prior to that all his emails were about how perfect he thought we were for each other. Long emails.

From a guy I never met.

Never spoke to on the phone.

Never text.

Never gave my number

I can only hope he doesn't make me a witness at his trial.

"Goddamnit Nicole..."

"Look what you made me do! ~ Love O.J.;) "

Please get anger management!

No clue who this guy is. Never met the guy. Never talked to him on the phone. Never gave him my phone number. He wrote me a bunch of times. Even after he huffed he would never write me again because of all the times I rejected him, he wrote me again anyway, several times. Zero interest then. I have zero interest now. I keep him at internet length. I think he suffers from O.J. anger.

Be careful.

Not kidding

Please be careful

What superintendent Michelle King meant

... To say was, "Get your fucking asses back to class!!!"

See, Ms King, it's all in the delivery.

March your ass back to class!

Question, parents, what kind of education are you hoping your kids receive by walking out of school in "protest"? This isn't their protest, it's yours.

And now the media refers to "protesters" as "marchers"?

Dear parents, you ARE aware that in other countries, children are also encouraged to walk out of classrooms, to "march" for political beliefs not of their own, resulting in civil unrest, at very least. Bombs strapped to their chest at the very most.

And why are you calling them "marchers" now? Put them in uniform and they're call "foot soldiers". Give them a gun and they're called "storm troopers".

These kids don't belong on the streets. It's Monday. They belong in a classroom. A conversation among peers is more civilized than putting your kids on the streets to march their parents politics, don't you think?

Kids have a lifetime ahead of them to fight their own battles. Don't make them fight yours too.

Sprinkle of jesus

This is an app. It's currently a top searched app.

The title of the app is silly and yet... diabolically brilliant!

I want to download this app! WHO doesn't want jesus sprinkles?! They make it sound like cupcakes! And who doesn't love cupcakes?!

But I'm not to going to download this app

I'm not

I'm NOT

But I really want to

Fighting it with all my might!

Must... resist... silly... must... resist... app... must... not... download

** Read the app reviews! **

Reading my Bible

Turns out I'm doing a lot of stuff wrong

Day four protester

Question, are they still just "protesters" when they shoot each other? Wouldn't you rather start another hashtag movement? No? Shooting each other is better? Ok then. Can you please not shoot each other on the 10 freeway?

My bad. They have a hashtag. Never mind. Keep shooting each other I guess if God wills it.

OKAY GOT IT

I asked him to leave me a note...

and he actually left me a note in the door https://instagram.com/p/BMt7hfBBm5U/

Because apparently his email and phone were both broken;)

Or not

I'm happy staying home. Hang at the beach. Maybe she should just have all single men over. I'm sure her husband would "love" that.;)

Fine. Let's not.

Everyone needs dates

It's his wife's new rule. She doesn't want any single women showing up. She's fine with single men, but the women all need dates. She's still upset her husband got more attention than she did. Whatever. Bring dates.

Dear Chief Charlie Beck

They're not "protesters" anymore when they're vandalizing cars and destroying property.

we shall

If God, wills it.

Women voters 2016

Voted for their children, for their children that were murdered, voted for their children to possibly one day have. Women voted for their loved ones in the military, for their loved ones who served in the military, and for their loved ones who died while serving in the military. Women voted for their husbands, brothers, and fathers job security. Women voted for wives of police officers, and widows of  police officers. Women voted for their right to pray...

Just to name a few women.

Hillary Clinton, completely forgot about those women in her presidential campaign, or simply didn't care. All she wanted was the minority/millennial pussy-vote. BUT who was her mouth piece? Another rich self entitled (white) woman, Lady Gaga. Good job!

That's cool if you're a white woman with money, by the way, just saying there ARE other kinds of women out there too.

*That's my point. Women voted for Trump. Even registered Dems, voted for Trump.*

*Women didn't trust Hillary Clinton. She lives in a bubble. She doesn't see real womens issues just their votes. You can argue neither does Trump, but you don't have to care about me if you take care of my loved ones. I believe at least Trump will take care of my loved ones. Hillary Clinton, wasn't going to take care of anyone but Hillary Clinton.*

You gotta love their devotion

This country has always thought Californians are flakey, lazy, and weird, but all these protests (albeit primarily in poor CA neighborhoods) are nothing but added fodder for the rest of the country. These CA protesters don't understand how politics work. And they suck at protesting! You're supposed to protest people who disagree with you! But the only news they watch is E entertainment. Even Gary Johnson (Libertarian presidential candidate) was like, "Aleppo? What's Aleppo?" 

Dude, seriously, were you any smarter as a Republican?

It became OBVIOUS six months to one year ago, to everyone BUT California, New York, Nevada, and smaller states on the country's outer circumference, that Trump was going to win the election. The heart of America was dying, literally dying. Their kids were dying. In CA if a kid gets shot, they protest, make hashtag movements, and kill cops, but in the rest of the country if a bunch of THEIR little kids get shot -- they make changes in the White House, Senate, and Congress.  

Obama, wasn't welcome in Oregon. And in for Midwest that's REALLY mean. Yes I called Oregon "midwest" get over it.

I'm a news JUNKE. I need news 24/7. News and the hockey scores. 

I need to know what the polls say. 

After that brief political stunt with those women who shamelessly tried to get the pussy-vote steered Hillary's way, polls immediately went out, and guess what, women didn't really care if Trump grabbed their tits, ass, whatever "What does that one bitch do for a living? Oh. She's a whore. Never mind." And that's what the polls told Trump. Women don't like women. And women, especially in the heart of America, don't like whores. Fame lives in a bubble. Female voters don't give a shit what Lady Gaga says CLEARLY. 

If you only live in your little bubble, you will get your ass kicked by the rest of the country. But people don't want to educate themselves, especially in CA. 

Prop 60 won by a mere 8%. It's a marginal win. I doubt any of those people have ever taken an economics class, but to win by 8% also means a good amount of their own Twitter followers voted against them. AND in the next four years, if anyone gives a fuck enough to challenge them in the name of God, church, or wholesome family values, they need to realize what they're up against. This whole country is now 100% powered by Republican conservatives.

CA is the place to be for liberal thinking. That's why I live here. That, my friends, the ocean, and all year around beautiful weather. But seriously California, pick up a newspaper every once in a while. Learn what's going on in the rest of the country, and then (gasp!) the rest of the world.

Aleppo, is not a dog food brand, Gary!

Nothing like an election to make life choices

You wouldn't think I'd need to pay someone $5,000 to confirm I've consumed expensive/good wine, but whatever, your world, if it earns me the silver pin, and title of Sommelier, I'll happily make $70,000 a year to insult your "unrefined" pallet!

"Say Father, you'll never get your congregation to heaven on cheap vino. The Vatican City, is said to have the best wine cellars in the world and look how holy THEY are. Just saying. What's good for the Pope, is good for your... you know, good for your... Whatevers."

To all the hysterics who said...

"If Trump becomes president I'm moving to Canada!!"

I expect you to honor your threats and vacate Los Angeles, by January 20, 2017.

I live in a new building on the west side. No rent control. My rent goes up 5% every year.

So let's go! Let's go!

Thank god there's a school in LA I can get certified at to sell expensive wine to rich white church people. YES!!! The next four years are going to be fantastic!!!

How many days until you get a grip?

Just curious. Calexit? Really? I thought you guys were moving to Canada? What happened to Canada?? I was looking forward all year to you guys moving to Canada, and then my rent going down! I mean, my rent is extremely low because I know the property owner, but... I wouldn't mind if it was lower! Plus less congestion at the beach. Less traffic. Cleaner air. Don't be so quick to abandon your Canada plan. That's a good plan!

Democrats abandoning their political "honorary" posts, are like LA Trump protesters blocking traffic for being a blue Democratic state and agreeing with them. Morons. Furthermore those positions will just get filled by hungry up and comers, possibly now Republican, so really you're just further fucking yourself. I love to masturbate too only when I do it I don't end up unemployed.

Canada's looking pretty nice now isn't it!

I'll help you pack.

It's interesting watching CA freak out, and yet my Thursday stayed the same as all the Thursdays when Obama was president.... When Bill Clinton was president.... It's just Thursday.

Calm down.

I predict it's not over. 8%?

If I only lost by 8% I'd try again but that's me. I'm competitive that way. 8% is Nothing. And with a Republican House, Republican Senate, and a Republican President (who they made accusations against while he was running for president.) I'd try again and kick it back to the people.

That last message was totally hateful. Hateful towards the LGBTQ community as if it's THEIR job to cure AIDS. Really low. No class.

Why are you still HERE?

Oh California, with your past rioting, and protesting. Regarding the outcome of this election you protesters who held up the 101 freeway for hours last night do realize the state majority voted democratic, right? I mean, you know the majority voted with you, right? CA was one of the few blue states. So why would you protest in the streets and freeways of a state that mostly agreed with you? It would seem you would take your protest group and go to a state that didn't agree with you, and hold up THEIR traffic for hours at a time.

"We protest Donald Trump"
"Yeah we agree with you, now get out if the road!"
"Oh, wait, you agree with us? Really? Fuck it, we're going to keep protesting here anyway!"

Prop 60

Congratulations. You won by a mere 6%! Meaning you BARELY won. You got lucky! I'm surprised you won after that attack on Trump. Stupid. Stupid. Ask your lawyers what a VETO is. Ask your lawyers how many LGBTQ signatures it would take for the LGBTQ to VETO your win.

For the love of... Don't you people know when to shut the fuck up?!

You won. Walk away.

*My bad. 8%. You won by 8%*

Venice Beach, CA, responds to legalized pot

"Awe! Isn't that adorable!"

How they vote in Utah?

"Ok now clap if you want Trump for president!" https://instagram.com/p/BMmmm0JBhcv/

Seriously now, show of hands, how many Americans wrote in "Bernie Sanders" ?

(And who the hell is Gloria Estela La Riva?)

No one hated H.Clinton more than the...

Mormons. Wow. They really hate her. Trump won Utah almost unanimously. All the men got their 14 wives together to hand dig a twelve foot grave, six feet deeper than usual just to make sure she stays down. I don't think killing her first was even an option!

Oh California

You silly goose. HOW can you be against single use bags in grocery stores (presumably for the environment) but against bag fees going towards specific environment projects? Es'squeeze me? Which environmental project/organization do you oppose exactly? Greenpeace? Wildlife Conservation? Do you hate bears? Racists!

Republicans! Republicans, everywhere!

President Trump!

Republican House.

Republican Senate.

Republican President.

Resistance is futile!

This is how much people hate Hillary Clinton https://instagram.com/p/BMl3IcwhPEX/

I was the demographic Hillary Clinton SHOULD have had on her side, strong educated independent non-Catholic minority female, and she fucked that up right out the gate. Never mind the fact I'm a Republican, I don't always vote Republican, but that woman is everything about women I detest. Her and Gloria Allred.

One day there will be a woman president. Thank you Americans for not making it Hillary Clinton!

Election Day 2016

I never thought I would see the day I actually wished I owned firearms.

I'm bunkered IN.

On the plus side cops and fire trucks have been running ERT tests through the streets of Los Angeles.

Something tells me they'll be needed!

Omg I love this high school!

I want to stay here forEVER!!!!

Did he just call me a racist?

YES!!!!! I haven't been called a racist in months! Fantastic! I don't want to go out with him because I must be a racist. Not because he has O.J.'s evil bad temper, but because I'm a "racist". And I'm pretty sure I saw the word "Nazi" in there too. Wow. I miss you Puck! You always found the nazis in my blogs, you crazy motherclucker!!

The ig-jay is up-say!!

Is it because I'm a Republican? Are you just learning I'm a Republican?

Republican. Me. Yes. And I already https://instagram.com/p/BMZJzFrByLY/

And as I said before in private email, and will say it here in public... I respect you. I think you're a bright human being. However you have a short temper when you don't get your way. You're only sweet when you want something. If you don't get your way, you go mental. I can't have that.

Sorry

Female drivers!!!

So typical https://instagram.com/p/BMhfC5BhQ56/

Rapists Anonymous

Hello. My name is (insert your name here)

And the DVP "douchepool" award goes to

Everything is awesome

Everything is cool when you're part of a team

Everything is awesome when we're living our dream...

This little Republican

Performed my civic duty https://instagram.com/p/BMZJzFrByLY/

#lavotes

No girl

I don't hang out with rapists.

Walter Van Buskirk?

Is Walter still alive?

"No. He died five years ago."

Are you saying Walter Van Buskirk?

Cluck cluck cluck cluck

Mother mother cluck
Mother mother cluck cluck
Mother cluck, Mother cluck
Noise noise noise

Post sunrise walk of shame

Nice! At 9am coming back from my run, saw half naked barefoot Dorothy and her half naked scarecrow holding Toto's basket and Dorothy's heels, slinking past their front yard gate. Sweet! Good job Mr Scarecrow on the costume choice. One flip of his suspender's and he was good to go.

I love Halloween!

The original angry bird

With good reason. Scientists have proven -- chickens don't have nuggets.

I totally stole that joke

But it was for a good cause.

Worth it!

*My version of that joke was funnier

*Suck it, Ted

Cluck you!!

Cluck off!!

What the CLUCK?!

Cluck

CLUCK

Why can't I say cluck?!

"Chickens don't swear."

Mother clucker!!

*Forget it. I don't speak your language.

Zamboni!

Paramount Iceland, looks like it's just for kids? Let's skate at LA Live. We can hurdle all the people falling down. Pershing Square rink opens November 10.

I'm content dating vanilla guys

It really doesn't make a difference if he's a church going conservative, or wild swinger type, I've hung out with both. Had a lot of fun with both. Doesn't matter. Doesn't effect me or my home one way or the other.

He has to come to me

He knows. Besides its hibernating season now until March, anyway.

Stay out of the media

The Internet is one world, reality is a different world altogether. Most Americans voting think there are only two presidential candidates. That's how little they know about politics, and they're voting. 

Most Americans know less than 40% of the propositions they're voting for or against.

There are three simple golden rules during election time if you're invested

1. Don't piss off Catholics/Christians 

2. Don't piss off non Catholics/Christians who still heartily believe in traditional family values

3. If you are unable to follow the first two rules, stay out of the media 

Women don't like other women. And women vote.

If the only voice the (first two rules) hear is a man with AIDS, right or wrong, majority of the voters believe that in this day and age to contract a sexually transmitted disease like AIDS with all the education that's out there, is one's own fault. 

*I realize this is in English and not chicken clucking, but I'm sure you can find someone to translate.

Dear families of women who were REALLY abused

By men who raped, beat and/or tragically murdered your loved one, please feel free to show your appreciation regarding the LAME attention this lawsuit is getting over a hug and kiss. I'm sure in her self entitled delusional world she feels just as "violated" as the woman who was raped, beat, and set on fire. After all a hug and kiss is EXACTLY the same as rape and murder, right?

Ohhhhh that's right, your mom wasn't famous for taking it up the ass for money.

Sorry. Her loss.

5 guy anal gangbang creampie

No no (that's) cool. She'll do that.

Just no hugging and kissing... ???

I met a couple once where the wife said, "I don't care if my husband tongue-fucks your butthole, just no kissing."

Wow. Really?? Well that's just kinda... stupid. But ok, whatever you say.

If you're a famous (let's say) cannibal, and someone offers you $10,000 to make a cannibal cookbook, NOT really a big stretch. You have no right to be offended! You're a fucking cannibal!

Search engine! I love how "misconduct" follows her gangbang creampie videos. Nope. No publicity stunt there!

Gloria Allred, being the useless legal twat she is, the champion of making women look like total utter complete morons.

Warms my heart how stupid these two bitches go out of their way to make women look.

Prop (whatnow?)

I was going to go out after work but think I'll vote instead via my absentee ballot. 

Ya know, nothing helps a proposition pass, or not pass, like a bunch of feminists. 

She said with complete sarcasm. 

Way to bring your occupation into the limelight by sounding like a total batshit crazy loony toon.

Hugs and kisses!!! 

Ooops, I mean XOXOXO 

No!!! Wait!!! I mean...

Fuck it.

"Hello. Moe's Tavern."

Hi. I'm looking for Amanda Hugginkiss.

"Hey. Listen up everybody! Is there Amanda Hugginkiss? I'm looking for Amanda Hugginkiss!"

NO MEANS... Hold on lemme check my phone

Stop trying to kiss me!! There's a hockey game on!! Goddamnit!! Remember when I said, "But there's a hockey game on!" Kings are playing the Canucks, and they needed a win. Kings have been on a 5 game losing streak and after beating Dallas, they needed to keep the momentum. And he's over there trying to get all kissy-face! Damnit! Stop trying to hug me! Don't you understand the importance of (at the very least) holding ice during a power play?! Vancouver emptied their net in the second period and actually scored making it 2-3 Kings. AND THEN in the third period Canucks emptied their net again for the extra man on the ice and scored (again!) make it 3-3!!! It went into a heated five minute over time, no one scored, and then into a teeth grinding shoot out...

And the Kings won 4-3 in the shoot out.

Ooooooooh god!!!! Yesssssss!!!! YESsssssssssssssssss!!!!!!! Ung... Uh... Oh my god.

That was amazing.

And after that epic release I was just beat.

I slept so good.

(What was that dude's name again?)

Never mind. Not important.

GKG!!!!!

I love this woman

Ok maybe not "love" but lesbian sex for sure.

I don't know who she is but stumbled upon her photo while searching vintage burlesque postcards. Whatever that is running down her thigh I would happily lick that clean, along with the rest of her https://instagram.com/p/BL3s8doB17y/

Hey guess what?!

Monkey butt!! AND drug dealers live next door! Wanna know how I know? Do ya? Do ya? Three squad cars and two undercover vice cop cars with four SMOKING HOT vice cops just did a Starsky and Hutch, on my front yard!!

The gardeners just came yesterday. Boy are they gonna be pissed!

Um

Undercover vice guys, are your cars Honda's with tinted windows?

I'd take a picture of the happenings going on in my front yard right now only they be handcuffing folks and I'm pretty sure they wouldn't appreciate my clicky clicky.

It's all good boys

They'll turn it around. Remember 2012? Turned it around at the end and hello Stanley Cup! MN kicked their ass something good though. GKG!!!

I'm up

This is way too early to be awake.

I have no idea why people email me

They really shouldn't. Because they do, nothing's going to happen here, and then 4 years later, guaranteed, they talk shit like I don't still have their emails. And they talk shit FOR NO REASON which just makes me laugh! I've been in LA for years. You don't delete emails. Not ever BECAUSE these idiots, give it time, will talk shit, out of the blue, unprovoked, just because. It's the funniest thing ever! -- I've never met these people, and they're the ones who talk the most shit!

This one guy has been emailing me... And today he emailed me his negative HIV/STD papers. I have NO idea who this dude even is!!! Kudos for not having AIDS. Who the fuck are you?!

Look, If you like my pictures, like my blogs, COOL. I don't need to know. Just come by, lurk, do your thing, leave, visit again sometime. It's all good. I don't need praise or justification. Whatever. Come and go at your leisure. Do your thing. Live and let live. It's ALL good.

They'll want to fuck you first

They call it "playing". Meh. Up to you.

That guy wrote me in 2012, when he was cheating on HIS then wife. They're divorced now. Gee. I wonder why? I never met him. Never going to. Scumbags. But again, up to you.

Chickens!!

Won't someone please save the chickens?!

You have your bullets

I have mine;)

Sound familiar?

He started it, mom! Gawd!

I happened to be in town and he wrote me. He asked why I was in town, I told him, then he told me he's married cheating on his wife, and I POLITELY bowed out of the conversation and NEVER met the guy. Never brought him up. Never mentioned him. Didn't care. But his friends, some couple, gave me a ton of shit for no apparent reason. I flung it back and they blocked me.

Meh. Chickens. And you know what they say about chickens, they're fucked from day one.

Just a small bit at random, because I don't care to read the whole thread.

He wrote...

Thursday, September 5, 2013, 2:25pm

I'll check it out. I still want to fuck you though.

NEVER happened. NEVER gonna.

Egos egos cha cha cha!

Ok. Enough. I got things to do.

Oh c'mon now. It doesn't hurt that bad.

Does it? I love a good comedy in the morning. Especially by "big strong guys" with big bruised egos.

As if I don't still have all the emails you sent me?

Zip zip zipper

Are you Shore?

Shore enough.

Your love is like a roller coaster baby baby...

As in, I like roller coasters but don't ride them if I don't have to cuz they make me feel all weird and sick inside.

Very cool guy

Very sweet, a total gentleman, and very funny. We met yeeeears ago when he was with his ex. Glad to see he's linked up with someone new. Super nice guy.

Chicken chokers

Is religion so important you have to wastefully kill animals that can't be eaten afterwards?

I'm all for eating what you kill. If cannibalism were legal I'd be the fattest man on the planet.

Everybody knows

Asian vaginas are sideways and house little families of mice. FACT. 

Thank god I have a penis.

Asian?

I'm not Asian! How dare you use that kind of language with me!

It's just spray-on (like a tan) so I can pretend I don't speak English!

I thought this yellow-fever epidemic passed in 2012?

No?

Still??

I feel so violated.

Can we go back to daddy? Redheads? Vagina bush?

Anything. Just something else.

Vamos vamos

At least twice a week for the past two years, and two months.

Counts for (something) right?

Meh

He was celebrating the only holiday that matters on October 3rd -- Mean Girls Day

You can't hide

From the mighty Internet. No you cannot. I'm not on Facebook, LinkedIn, Twitter, or Snapchat, but HE found something I wrote in 2010. I completely forgot. Shoot. I hope there's no naked pics of me floating around...

What?

Really?

Goddamnit!

So just a few things...

1. If you're a porn director/producer and I've ignored your emails for the past (every time you've written me) this means NO.

2. Don't send your boytoys with minimum writing skills inviting me to have a mfm three way with you, the answer is still NO.

3. NO!

4. This is not a compliment, "Girl, that face! And your pretty ass pussy!"

FYI: My boobs are also phenomenal!

I'm going to call everything "pretty ass" today. As in, "I love your pretty ass necklace." And see how this goes over. I dunno. Maybe it's a compliment.

"Look at that pretty ass sunset."

"You have a pretty ass family."

5. My final thought until 1pm, if you're going to ask me if I want to be your "sugar baby" please have the courtesy to look like Richard Gere, circa AMERICAN GIGOLO.

Thanks! Have a pretty ass day!

Google says

"Create a wonderful and beautiful blog"

Huh. I wonder what that must be like?

Let's see where this goes

Okay D. Shall we?

Gotta love the crazies

Must be one hell of a salsa mixer https://instagram.com/p/BKEhDK1hAzd/

Security!!!

"What the hell, Forman?!" https://instagram.com/p/BKEBWdMBQy6/

5 1/2 hours later

It is finished!! https://instagram.com/p/BJ6O8UdBasJ/

Fist time assembling (anything) furniture'ish by myself.

5 1/2 hours!!!

I get why my dad built stuff.

Curtain rods are sitting over there in the corner...

Uggams!!

Dear shelf makers, why did you design the shelves connect with metal bolts in two corners, and metal screws in the other two corners? I don't know anything about construction, it's a sincere question, but I do know a little something about geometry and rudimentary equation. Four corners can only be stable unto four more corners with whole common denominators, not halves.

Remember that scene in DEADPOOL when Blind Al (played by Leslie Uggams) was putting together that bookshelf...

This!!! https://instagram.com/p/BJ6FIQ6h1GE/

&#%]?%#"/!!!!!

Been working on this bookshelf for TWO hours. We beach people, we're not builders. Sand castles, maybe? I only know one guy who lives out here who builds stuff, and he's not talking to me. Dunno why? But when you've known a guy since the 9th grade... these things happen.

And so it began at 9:30am Thank you A-1 Hardware. $8 hammer. $3 nails.

Laid out https://instagram.com/p/BJ56by2hUJ-/

Put those boys in https://instagram.com/p/BJ56rDGBSE8/

Got that dude in there https://instagram.com/p/BJ56wC6B6J9/

YESSssss!!!!! https://instagram.com/p/BJ561e5BzgT/

Oh no whaaaa??? https://instagram.com/p/BJ5659Yh4PC/

I have no idea what that says https://instagram.com/p/BJ56-g0hrmu/

If my dad were still alive he'd be laughing at me! Rightfully so. He was the builder in our family.

But I'm determined.

And...

The only men who said "bookshelf? No problem." Live in Semi, Chicago, OC... We're not builders here at the beach. But you have to give me credit. I'm trying. 

I need a drink.

Hammer... From beyond the grave

I'm giving it one last college try this morning. Pieces of this bookshelf have been cluttering up my work space floor for two weeks.

"Everything you need is included. Tools. Everything."

Lies! No tools. And the instructions have no words. Just third grade caveman drawings.

According to the drawings (I think?) I need a hammer. I bought screwdrivers and managed to put in TWO screws. Then I saw the hammer drawing.

Hardware store opens at 9am.

Upon searching hammer costs there's a $240 hammer on sale for $219. For a hammer?! Is this a magical hammer?? Stiletto TBM14RMS 14 oz.(something something)...

I'm not paying $240 for a hammer.

And...

 I never want to hear another man criticize how much I pay for shoes.

She hates porn... From beyond the grave

Pamela Anderson, hates you. She's got an anti porn campaign going on with a Rabbi Schmuly Boteach.

JDATE!!!

No dick pics... from beyond the grave

"If you can walk on it, it's not broken."

SO not true. Some time during the course of my day I fractured my foot. I noticed a dull throbbing pain on the bottom of my foot, but I'm on my feet a lot, plus I run. I sometimes experience foot pain. I just ignore it. It's fine by morning.

The next morning however while getting out of bed, any applied pressure on the bottom of my foot was excruciating. A friend and sports doctor, came over, located where the pain in my foot was coming from and told me not to worry, stress fractures are common for runners or anyone on their feet a lot. He fit me for a foot brace and told me to stay off my foot for 4/5 days, take ibuprofen for the pain/swelling, and afterwards if I had to go anywhere continue wearing the brace for three weeks.

Three weeks came and went, a very long tedious and utterly boring three weeks, well now four weeks, and I'm finally up and walking around every day, albeit in tennis shoes. But at least I'm mobile.

No foot brace. Still no high heels.

While laid up I rejoined (that site).

Everyone I know is gone, or divorced, or traded partners, and it seems it's where single men, and many couples, now go when they tire of not getting laid on Tinder.

I've had some really good times from (those) types of websites. Though it was years ago. Really good times nonetheless. The only problem I encountered were people who didn't respect my space, my privacy. I come and go as I please. You come and go as you please. It's sex and (hopefully) naughty hot fun. We're just in it for the occasional good times. That's it.

And so being laid up, I had nothing but time and patience on my hands to look around, make small talk. I couldn't go anywhere. I had nowhere to be.

"Where I go I just don't know. I got to got to gotta take it slow. When I find my piece of mind. I'm gonna give you some of my good time." --know what I mean?

But, it was as I described, Tinder people.

What happened to the, "Let's meet for a drink and if we don't murder each other doing that, let's hit a swing club and fuck some couples." What happened to THOSE guys??

Long gone.

Now I have to go out on a date. We have to have 1:1 sex a bunch of times. And maybe then we can go to a swing club. Translation: We're never going to a swing club. Further translation: I just wasted all that time with a guy I met on a swing site to do non swinger things.

How boring.

"Well I just want to get to know you, build chemistry first."

Don't fall for it! It's a trap!

Luckily I'm a quick study.

Like this crazy single girl. She hooked up with a hot guy. Previous to their hook up, that hot guy made himself available to me. But as of yet nothing has happened between he and I. He told crazy girl his interest in me. Crazy girl contacts me. She insists on seeing some photos of me. I can tell she's fucking loony toons just by her photos and by the message she wrote me (which I snapped a screenshot of.) So I ignore her and delete her email. Desperate, crazy girl writes me again pleading me to have fun with her and him. Translation: because if she doesn't get me to play with them he might dump her which he plans on doing anyway. How am I doing so far?

Screen grab! You should read what she wrote me the second time. Desperate chick. Wow. Nuts.

Thank god I can walk again. Even if I couldn't, I would still wear my foot brace and hobble on down to the beach tonight.

I'd rather chill with cool people and drink a few beers under the ocean sky with them, than sext with some guy who refuses to take his pants off in front of the camera.

See ya!

not so fabulous --from beyond the grave

I'd like to meet a cool couple, I said. I haven't hung out with an open minded couple in a long time, I said. What's the harm in looking and seeing what's out there, I said.

And so...

Last weekend I (kinda sorta) connected with a few potential couples. Swapped some (very private) info in addition to private photos, and down the road who knows? Maybe something? Maybe nothing?

Among those photos is a picture I took for a dear friend involved in the Olympics. I took the photo offline few years ago, only recently re-posting it because I like it. It is among the photos I shared (privately) with these couples I kinda connected with online last weekend. With these four couples, to be more precise. And apparently at least one of these four couples is friends with a solo guy I have zero interest in. Let's call him "Zero".

And now... Zero... shows up... Again.

There's a reason I don't want Zero in my life. Is he hot? Yes. But he's also a little crazy. Not fun, crazy. Boiled bunny, crazy.

Over the past (estimated) five years, Zero has written me maybe four times. It's the same cut and paste email, three paragraphs long, all talking about himself. He doesn't address me in any way. He doesn't involve me in his email. He just writes about how amazing he is. --Sorry not interested. Not interested then. Not interested now. I've been politely silent about it, but then he had to take it one step further today.

I've never met Zero. I have no interest meeting Zero.

We all have our stuff. Our brand of odd. Zero's brand of odd, jibes with one of these couples brand of odd, and that's ok. It's just not my brand of odd --and his BC today is a perfect example as to why.

Unfortunately now I have no idea which couple shared my personal info with him, which leaves me back to the drawing board, square one, no potential couples.

Look...

I'm still interested meeting a cool open minded couple. Please don't share my personal info. it should go without saying, no??

Dead

Friends. I died. 

I no longer ponder what death will be like. I closed my eyes. Felt a sharp excruciating pain gouge through my body. And then...

Nothing.

I died.

But, before I died....

Lung infection, pneumonia (twice, thanks to "global warming" -25 below zero Minnesota winters), a non cancerous tumor, respiratory infection, ulcer, two major spinal injury car accidents, two near drownings, buried childhood friends, outlived my young father, outlived an even much younger mother, and enough drink and cigarettes to drown and smoke the entire state of Minnesota, but onward I lived, strong and healthy, pseudo-bulletproof as your God saw fit. Why? What for?

I never thought I would live so long. Inconceivable. Absurd. Impossible literally to the point of ridiculous. Cheetos Flaming Hot, red food dye poo, ridiculous! And that is precisely how my outlook on life became before I died --comparable to Cheetos Flaming Hot, red food dye poo.

I lived in a world where parents are no longer responsible for their children, and adults blame animals for human mistakes. Surfers blame sharks for being attacked in the ocean. Their solution, kill the shark. Mom is too thoughtless to notice her kid is about to fall into a gorilla pit. Their solution, kill the gorilla. 

Humans kill. Animals. Other humans. Fuck it. Just kill something. Anything. As long as you recklessly and thoughtlessly make it stop breathing. 

--That "mom" needs to seriously fuck off and die. My parents were the after school special of what NOT to do, but for all the idiotic zoos I visited as a child, I never once fell into a gorilla pit. 

Humans don't take responsibility anymore. 

Expectations of entitlement among family, friends, coworkers, and even strangers, have reached an all time high.

I had an Uber app. Used it a dozen plus times. I (always) tipped between $5-$7. Always. Even though I didn't have to. I always tip. I mind my own business. Do stuff on my phone. I appreciate the ride. My usual fare was between $5-$12, plus tip. And I (always) gave my drivers 5-star ratings. But when I checked the rating Uber drivers gave me this month, I learned I was 4.6 out of 5 stars. And it's only one week into June. WTF? Passenger ratings dictate your next Uber driver. Then I read online Uber drivers give passengers bad ratings for not traveling far enough (they know how far I'm going when they pick me up), or for not being social enough (which is stupid), or for giving them directions even after the driver asked for directions. Fuck it. Drama. Facebook in a car. I switched to Lyft.

It's not enough to come to work, keep your mouth shut, do your job, make money, and go home. Now people insist on a "pay attention to me" proviso in the work place to make up for what they're not getting in their personal lives. It's ridiculous. Fuck professionalism and just being good at your job. Fuck it all.

Condoms will save the world! As in, use condoms, or ANY kind of birth control for the love of Jesus! 

And people wondered why I thought saving/defending animals was more important than humankind? --Really?

Before I died, I started noticing things. Wondering about things. Things in past years slipped my mind without a second thought. Threading a connection as it were. Small things. Amusing things. For the whole of my humble conscientious life, I could never shake this feeling that I was supposed to learn something, do something... more.

Some women, a lot of women were raised to believe, and continue believing, being a wife and mother is all she is meant to be. All she is supposed to be. Antiquated yet respectful as that may be, I wasn't raised that way. My grandmothers were my female role models brief as they were before they died. Teaching me to be a lady was something they coached under the tutelage I behave so only for myself. Pride. Self respect. Not for anyone else. My truest, most heartfelt moments are shared by very few dear to heart friends if anyone else at all. I'm greedy that way I guess. 

Writing, for me, was like my artwork. Not meant for "likes" or duplication. I only sold original pieces. Never made copies. From me to you. 1:1. This was the best, most meaningful way for me to be intimate. Unfair to those I slept with. But it's true. Sex meant nothing to me. --Unlike this, which meant everything to me. 

Now that I'm dead, with this online literary time capsule, I thee reflect, this is the world I lived in...

While searching pubs and lounges in a nearby neighborhood I found this https://instagram.com/p/BGUTdu7pLJa/

They have a website https://instagram.com/p/BGUTnjipLJu/

More amazingly...

Does that say "coupon" ??? 

They have coupons ???

And with the end of this blog, this is also my final PST post. And the first post in the new blog... elsewhere.

Thank you for reading. 

Cheers! https://instagram.com/p/BGUVuRNpLPe/

--Simone Gordon

The day before I die

Honestly, I never thought I'd live this long. 

I'm single. No children. No interest raising children. No interest changing my marital status. And so at my age, I am pondering the very questioned I asked myself when I was 29 years old, "What am I supposed to do now?"

--my thoughts were interrupted for 17 minutes as I watched from my bay windows, a woman (my age) walk up to my neighbors house across the street, knock on the door, ring the buzzer, to no answer, then get back in her car and blast the car horn nonstop.

-- Dear producers of SNAPPED, shall I just write the intro to this episode? 

--She's still sitting in her car outside my building driveway. 

Anyway, what was I saying? 

There's a guy. There's always a guy. But this guy is perfect for me. Problem is I have no idea how to talk to him. I've tried. (At least) 25 years of friendship later, and I still have no idea how to talk to him. I've been married. I want through (collectively) four years of cancer with my dad. Alongside four years of my best friend dying of a brain tumor, also. It was a lot. I'm exhausted. I'm done with family and marriage for a while. He's never been married, and his family are all still alive and ripe with daily drama. I just... can't. 

I want to move forward. But there lies the question, "What now?

--The woman is blasting her horn again. I anticipate the arrival of law enforcement in 5...4...3...

I've decided to count backwards (Benjamin Button, style) from death, let's say 40 years. I should no doubt be dead in 40 years. 

There's how I would like to die. And then there's the reality of how I'll most likely die. It's not so glorious. Regardless...

In my next blog, I die.

Celebrate.;)

I dig go-go girls

I can't imagine the mental/emotional prison and anguish of being trapped in the wrong gender body. And while I'm a sympathizer to their pain, I'm not a psychiatrist. I can't help you. (I cannot help you!) In fact, I SO cannot help you that now when you talk, text, or email, I just hear this song by Cheap Trick https://youtu.be/sIn5Ax1pnj4 And then for the rest of the day that's how I talk.

Zinque, State, I don't care where we go tonight as long as there's a bunch of fat angry male gender self loathing queers because they're so much fun. --She said sarcastically.

THE UNICORN WHISPERER

With Simone Gordon, coming soon on Tumblr!

Ok no.

Or maybe...

YESssssssssss

(I amuses myself!)

This guy & his tranny

I appreciate start-up companies. I appreciate the hard work, risks, and sacrifice it takes to believe in something so entirely, it is all you sleep, eat, and breath.

Having said that...

I've never ventured into a porn production company. In this day and age with Snapchat, Tumblr, Skype, file sharing, and every other $2.99 phone "Carlos Danger" junk app, I don't know how that start-up would work. And neither do some of you, but I love you for trying!

I've received about 5 emails from a guy who is desperately trying to con people into believing he has a porn production company. I would love to tell you what he's calling it, but I'm not going to. Instead I'm going to share with you some photos of his "talent" or rather his "bait".

Of all the pictures, of all the women, THIS is the photo he chose to send me of his "girlfriend" to bait me into meeting them https://instagram.com/p/BGHUzghpLBI/

He swears she's not a tranny. Look, I don't care. There is NO WAY I would ever take 20 minutes of my time to meet (that) for coffee, I don't care who that is.

And THIS is another photo he sent me presumably of him https://instagram.com/p/BGHU16PpLBU/

How are you not embarrassed?? Even as a joke, it's bad! And technically I didn't have to blacken anything out except Instigram says I have to...

YOU and your pretend (whatever the fuck this is) https://instagram.com/p/BGHUzghpLBI/ need to stop emailing me. And stop stealing other peoples' pics! I know those emails are from you also --because I'm smarter than you.

I have a Tumblr account. I just didn't know what to do with it. Blog? Erotic stories? Jackass, unicorn swinger edition?

Hmm...

I just got an idea.

(Legal, clear your afternoon!!)

Some tranny & her fag hag...

Wrote me.

(Sigh) Look, I'm queer friendly. But the only way I'm hitting that ugly tranny is with a baseball bat.

"She's so mean!!!"

Hi.

I'm a numbers person. Algorithms. Rudimentary mathematical equations. Geometry. Algebra. Calculus. Fuck trigonometry. No one understands trig. But I do this for fun. So (kinda) Asian. My filing skills rival any 10GB file share, but towards the end things get a little dodgy. Be that as it may, like with sex I have to be in the mood. If I'm not in the mood I'll use a calculator. It's my binary vibrator. Gets the job done fast. Move on. Go about my day. 

Math. Sex. Art. Three things I like doing but could never do for a living or it would ruin the sport. As the years go on, and on, and fucking on, for what seems like FOREVER these things become more hunt, than sport. 

Take this moron couple who just wrote me assuming I would be interested in them because they're white and claim to be "sophisticated" and "wealthy" and are looking for a "submissive unicorn"...

Once upon a time I would have written them a polite no, most likely before the age of 21, because I was raised to be polite, but since their "sophisticated" upbringing didn't raise them to be polite, now I'm just going to be an asshole.

I read articles where news reporters suggest when humans have either run out of wild animals to kill, or tire from killing animals, will pursue humans. These "sophisticated" people who seek "submissive unicorns"  are my lab rats. And that's exactly how I view them, lab rats. Filthy human lab rats. Have to stress the word "human". If they were actual animals, I'd care about them. So already suggestions of human-hunting are in part, true, on both ends. More than that, my human lab rats and their inclination to find submissive women, are increasingly on the rise. Human algorithms. The weak attempting to find inner strength. Etc. etc. Read the reports.

"Hi. We're white, rich, sophisticated, looking for a submissive unicorn..."

Who introduces themselves that way? 

All I heard was, "Hi. We're collectively 12 years old."

I'm going to design an auto-reply...

"Hello. You are receiving this auto reply to monitor if you are intelligent and/or old enough to receive a response from the person you just emailed... Please accurately connect items from the left column to items in the right column... 1) Geometry. 2) Pyramid. 3) chemical abbreviation for Sodium Dodecyl Sulfate. 4) choo choo train."

Pimp your game. Lie faster.

Here. Let me help you.

"Can you talk on the phone?"

You know I'd love to but it's Memorial Day (Thank you servicemen and women!) and I'm with family/friends still. Can I call you tomorrow when we can have a private conversation away from my vanilla friends who won't understand?

I would be an a-hole if I said no.

3 1/2 days between 800-1,000 emails

At least. I kid you not. I did however get [this close] to success.

No one can talk on the phone. No one.

"Everything is awesome!!!"

Funny;)

I hate conversation texting

Talk on the phone!

I've turned down hotter, mister

We're texting. We're both home. Why are we texting??

"Can you talk on the phone?" I ask.

He clearly doesn't want to. He doesn't answer the question. Instead he just avoids it by throwing compliments at me.

"Why don't we just talk?" I say again.

He doesn't reply.

Yup. Ok bye then.

Look, there's no way getting around my vetting. We're both home. Let's talk. Can't talk? See ya.

It's a shame. A real shame. (Sigh) But...

I'm not a parent, but...

So I guess it's easy for me to criticize. However, if my keys, cell phone, or purse isn't on my person, I know it within 15 seconds. So if my keys and cell phone are more important than your kid...

Let's see if the parents sue the zoo

Bet takers anyone? Let's see if they murdered an innocent animal so con artists could sue a zoo.

There are other ways to kill your kid, ya know? Of course the other ways require a life insurance policy. If you need assistance on how to put a life insurance policy on a toddler, I know a batshit crazy woman who can tell you.

Next time kill the shitty parents

Fuck zoos. They hunt, trap, and cage wild animals, then charge stupid humans to look at trapped wild animals, then some stupid shitty parents let their kid go into the trapped confines of said wild animal, so the zoo kills the animal. What happened to tranquilizer guns??

Next time kill the shitty parents.