"I hate that you don't want kids." Glenn said.
People can look good together on paper, and many do, for a little while anyway, be that as it may, when sincere affection is just a shadow to a deeply rooted pursuit, nothing more can be said. The game was over.
There is a fine line between love and hate. A very fine yet definitive line.
"I don't really hate your house." was all I could think of to say. And because it was still nagging at me I also brought up, "And why didn't you open the door for me?"
"What?"
"At the restaurant, on our first date." I reminded him.
"Do you know how many first dates I go on?" Glenn said. "Do you know how many women have opened the door for me? None. Zero."
Ok. Fair enough. First person at the door should hold it open. Courtesy has no gender.
I've never been a "I am woman hear me roar" kind of female. I'm a firm believer of equality but I don't support the crusade of "I can do anything better than you." I don't want a man to submit to me. A kinky night of passion maybe. But not really.
I get fear and anger. I understand them both. Equally I understand the need to conquer that mountain top. And while it may be human nature to seek the top one percent, to be the best, to despise those who reject you, to crush those who threaten your success, you are nonetheless corroding, withering, decaying and dying. You're just human. Sometimes I think I watch too much Discovery Channel. I've long ago joined those who also made the decision to live in the here and now. The less time spent planning for things I will never be certain about, the more living I can do. But that's what I've decided is best for me.
You do what's best for you.
Before I die, I would like to find a beautiful countryside house to reside in for 6 months to write a memoir on life as a contemporary Buddhist. When most people think of philosophy they think of His Holiness the Dalai Lama, or something that resembles Hollywood's version of Hare Krishnas, when in truth modern Buddhists are not that elegant. It is impossible for anyone to believe themselves so Godly righteous in this day and age without looking and sounding like a complete ass.
And as badly as I wanted to have my way, as badly as I wanted to make Glenn Anderson see things my way, I know what that would really make me.
"Did your friend tell you I went out with her?" Glenn Asked me.
"She did."
"I have no interest seeing her again." he said.
"It's none of my business." I told him.
"I didn't know she was your friend." Glenn said.
"How would you know?"
"Are you upset?" he asked.
Admittedly, there are times when I am very lonely, but there are exceedingly far more times when I am not. I made my choice of remaining unaccompanied. And while being an adult (in this country) generously bears liberties and freedom, we are nonetheless responsible for ourselves and those in our company. It is dishonest and cruel to occupy someone's emotional time merely to fill in the empty spaces. At best all I can hope for, all a person with my beliefs can justify, are moments of mutual sensitivities. No matter how difficult.
"No. I'm not upset." I assured Glenn. "But thank you for telling me. You both felt telling me was the right thing to do and I appreciate it. But you should know, she did say she would go out with you again if you called her."
And with that, Glenn Anderson and I had nothing more to say to each other.
Glenn and I met, dated, had conflict, then he dated one of my girlfriends, we tried to reconcile, couldn't, and then we broke up. All within two dates. No sex.
I was very disappointed,
With everything and nothing in particular,
I was just very disappointed.
Hollywood is a small town. Millions of beautiful travelers come and go. Dreamers come in droves and the quickly defeated pack their bags and head home, just in time for the new batch to arrive. But for those of us who are settled here, for those of us who starved, struggled, and will no doubt starve and struggle some more, for those of us who long ago planted roots here, the saying "until we meet again" is the most unintentionally honest thing said in this town.
I've seen Glenn Anderson around town (easily) a half dozen times more than the dates we were with.
I had a dream once that I was a little girl, only it wasn't me - but it was me in the dream, and I was standing in the middle of a dirt road, tall grassy fields on both sides of the road, the sky was grey like it was going to thunderstorm, and suddenly I sensed something was going to rush down the road like a freight train, I felt it, I knew it in my chest something powerful was coming only I didn't have the slightest desire to get out of it's way, and then it came, this invisible force blew over me like a tornado, hard, fierce, brutal, and then the next thing I know I'm an adult sitting in a movie theater watching a film with a bunch of other people I didn't know. Casual. No pressure. Just another day.
[Fast forward to the sushi restaurant]
So recently my date and I are out having sushi and I hear the women behind me talking about men. One woman in particular was relaying the details of her last date, and I knew almost immediately she was talking about Glenn Anderson.
Glenn is still single, apparently. Still eating his chicken Caesar salad the same way. I have no idea if he ever had the child he wanted, I sincerely hope he did. But my dream reminds me of my "relationship" with Glenn Anderson. The last evening I spent with Glenn, otherwise known as our second date, I felt a rush of tension in my chest out of sheer frustration that we couldn't get it together. And now, many years later, I'm having sushi with a date, and Glenn Anderson had just gone out with the woman sitting behind me.
It reminds me of something,
Hold on,
Wait,
It'll come to me,
Oh right,
This,
It reminds me of this,
Plenty of room at the hotel California; Any time of year (any time of year); You can find it here -- C'mon you know who sings this!
Mirrors on the Ceiling; The pink champagne on ice; and she said "we are all just prisoners here, of our own device"; And in the Master's chambers; We gather for the feast; They stab it with their steely knives; But they just can't kill the beast
-- Eagles, Hotel California
Fin
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