Only the brown M&M’s

Have we all seen the UNILAD clip of the monkey punching the little girl in the face for taunting it with food? I could watch that video clip all day. 

“Hey kids, look at that giant beetle!”

Um. You mean that giant cockroach?

Yikes.

Hey mister, go tell your kids to milk that bull, er, I mean cow. 

I don’t correct men over the age 40. Waste of time and energy. It’s not that I think you’re correct, it’s that I have better things to do. Pick your battles, know what I’m saying? I realize it’s unlikely I’ll meet a guy my own age who isn’t a bitter jagged pill. I mentally “pass” on 100 guys a day after hearing them talk for 15 seconds.

EXAMPLE: I overheard one guy in line at the grocery store repeatedly insist to the cashier, “You said $15.33 cents, but after the coupon it should only be $13.33, BUT YOU SAID $15.33. You said $15.33. That’s what you said. YOU SAID $15.33!” 

Christ. That’s not what the cashier said. She said $13.33. You’re just a twat. Let it go. Pay and move on. 

If you’re a single woman in Vegas, everyone automatically assumes you’re a hooker even when you’re obviously a conservative 49 year old woman. I can’t even begin to tell you how many times my privacy and space have been infringed upon if not downright violated by weirdos. It’s not just a Vegas thing. It’s a west coast thing. If you’re an independent single woman, other women doubt you, men think you stayed single just for them.

Yeah. No.

I’m a snob. Different from being stuck up. I simply require that others possess basic intellectual properties for people their age. 

It’s embarrassing how obsessed people are over single women. Whatever you’re looking for, I don’t have it. But, whatever, by all means keep looking if that’s what it takes to make you whole.

I read some psychology regarding obsession, via Freud and Jung. In simple terms, according to Freud and Jung, the Kardashians received wealth and fame due to millions of viewers with either inferiority or superiority complexes. It’s interesting how thin a line divides the two much like genius and madness, love and hate. 

If you want to be wealthy and famous, find a new way to tweek inferiority/superiority complexes. Everyone is said to have one or the other. 

Centuries ago, Buddhist monks wrote in the Dhammapada, the key to peace is to not want or have desire. When it’s no longer a desire to be right, you will be, more often than not. 

I work with a Hispanic guy who tries so hard to get my attention. It’s ridiculous how hard he tries. He reeks of machismo. It’s a culture thing. I know. And since I have zero interest in him, he tries that much harder. Freud would say he has an inferiority complex. Jung would say he has a superiority complex. It’s a fine line. 

Anyway 

So apparently my building and street are ill equipped to handle rain. It finally rained here (in Vegas) last Monday night. It knocked out electricity on my entire street. I came home from work and my whole street was pitch black and flooded with at least one foot of water. 

The rain was so heavy even neon lights flickering from not so distant casinos seemed like they too would be completely doused at any moment. It was such a creepy night the neighborhood casino sign might as well read “Bates Motel”. The curb before me was under a foot of water. I didn’t see the curb. I tripped and fell. Messed up my knee and got soaked. The joy of being old. 

Who knows how long the power was out? And of course all the food in my fridge went bad. But I had wine. That was my dinner. Being optimistic I also had my cell phone, or rather I had my cell phone until the rain knocked out the cell tower. No electricity. No WiFi. No cell tower. I wondered how long I could go without air conditioning? 

My neighbors all had their front doors open. Not smart. It’s pouring out. No lights. Pitch black. And it’s Las Vegas. I hung out in my dark apartment for a few hours texting with a girl from work until the cell tower knocked out, mid slowly sweating to death. I was (this close) to renting a room at a neighborhood casino when my air conditioning suddenly popped back on. Hooray. I was saved. 

Back when I had electricity I finished watching ‘The Best Offer’ with Geoffrey Rush. It was predictable but still a very arty film. I liked it. Rush is one of my favorite actors. 

Everything I said about England being more sophisticated than Americans, I take it all back. I don’t watch soccer/futball but you guys senselessly trash just as much as Americans.  

You’re right liberals, the world need not fear North Korea’s potential diabolical plan with nuclear weapons. That’s so amateur. Apparently the real threat to civilization is gluten. As soon as I figure out how to mass produce tons of liquid gluten, myself and everyone who gets the gluten joke, are taking over the world. However did you people survive prior to gluten-free products? What was your diet before then, tree bark and dirt? 

You do realize many dietary health issues in this country stem from basic dehydration. Countless Americans don’t drink enough water. I drink my beverages of choice before I eat, and after, but during a meal only partake in a little water for healthier digestion. I can eat bread, no problem. I watch some people drink glass after glass after glass of soda or lemonade with their meals, and it’s so unhealthy, but they’ll still convince themselves it’s gluten that’s causing their tummy issues rather than their horrible eating and drinking habits. During the course of the day I’ll intake about a half gallon of water, but with my meal just a cup of water. Gluten is my friend.

I turned Bob Gordon on to the Oxygen channel. More specifically, Snapped. He never saw an episode of Snapped before. Now he’s hooked. Hooked and afraid of women. 

Some guy asked me if I knew where a good dispensary in Vegas was. Um. No. No I don’t. I don’t smoke pot. Even if I did, I wouldn’t go to a dispensary. It’s pot. Does it really need to be bougie pot? I used to live in Venice, CA. The dealers out there were surfers who looked like homeless guys that drove expensive trucks and lived in million dollar flats. They sell bud to people who don’t require the word “elite” to make pot worthwhile cannabis. Furthermore the Venice beach pot industry is doing juuuuust fine — for the past 60 years (at least).

Can a week go by without Starbucks being in the news? No? Ok just checking. 

I enjoy triggering sensitive people, my little lab rats. I’m pro early abortion but still, the other day my friend posted an old ad for cellophane that basically implied it’s safe around babies, so safe you could even wrap a baby’s head with it and nothing would happen. Complete with a color ad of babies heads wrapped in cellophane. I’m going to post it online and tell liberals there are other ways to murder their babies. At my age everything and everyone makes me laugh. It’s a secret joke you only get when you’re nearing 50 years of age. Nothing in life is that serious. Not even death. 

Doc Holiday was famously reported to have humorously said, “I’ll be damned. This is funny.” seconds before he died. He swore he would die with his boots on as a gambling gunslinger, but instead died in a hospital bed from his tuberculosis.

“I’ll be damned. This is funny.” 

Best last words ever.