Dear Santa

Normally for Christmas, I would ask, as I do almost every year, for world peace, to end hunger, and a date with that guy who I see at work, the one I've been eyeballing for the past two years. You know, the one who looks like James Purefoy. 

But instead, since hell must have frozen over, for the first time ever, due to social media and TMZ, I feel connected to a Kardashian, Khloe Kardashian, and her holiday pie fraudulence. Girl, I get you!

I blogged about doing the EXACT same thing two years ago, Tuesday, December 24, 2013. --Only I admitted my pie was fake. 

I can't bake either, girl. @Haters gotta hate.

Ain't social media fabulous? It is, Oliver. It totally is. Suck it! -- I'm told I'm supposed to use an emoji to better express myself, but I'm sure "suck it!" works just fine.

So now, my darling Santa, in the spirit of Kardashian, For Christmas, I'm going to be a selfish prick and ask, no, DEMAND, your fat ass get me the GoPro Hero 4. Then I'm going to Vine, YouTube, and Podcast the superficial fuck out of everything! Mwahahahahaaaaa!!!!

GoPro Hero 4!

Sorry, Olloclip: blog, Sunday, December 29, 2013. I gotta go pro.

Actually, in all seriousness, I have an ulterior motive, I think I have early onset of Alzheimer's. 

I re-watched THE NOTEBOOK recently and got the idea to start videotaping everything. I'll use the GoPro to remind myself where I live, how to get home, and which side streets have the least amount of violent homeless people, and dog shit.

Medically, they say early onset Alzheimer's for people in their 30's and 40's is uncommon, but medically I'm not common. I'm missing a vertebra, and I got Shingles when I was in my 20's. Shingles! You know who gets Shingles? Old people in their 80's! 

Shingles, it's the repeat of chicken pox, only more painful. The glands in your neck swell. And half your body, the half the virus attacks, is red, blotched, and itchy. And like chicken pox, you only get it once, but usually in the olden golden years just before you die. Not quite the Rolex, you receive when you retire, but it makes one hell of a morning selfie!

I bitch and moan like an old person, other than that, why do I think I have Alzheimer's? Well, because.... 

Um...

Uh...

What?

Fuck.

And I've been doing that A LOT lately.

Anyway...

I haven't gotten lost going home, yet. But I did get confused and turned around, once, regarding certain directions to a place I've been on a regular basis for many, many years. AND I can never remember anymore if I've taken my vitamins or not. AND I can never remember how many times I've washed my hair when I'm in the shower. I have very long hair. I don't wash it every day, maybe every other day, or every three days. Mid hair rinse I always wonder; was this my first hair "lather and rinse" or the "repeat"?

So...

Dearest Santa, this is my plea for the GoPro Hero 4. My long time friend and snowboarder... (What's his name again?).... Wants to head up to Big Bear, soon. I can test drive the GoPro, there.

Furthermore, put oddly "fascinating" visuals to the meaningless crap I say here. 

Like...

I'm 100% on my own. When I get sick, when I had/have medical emergencies, when I was diagnosed with a tumor, I was on my own. In my mid 20's I got shingles. Shingles! You know who gets shingles? Old people! --Did I mention the Shingles part already?

Next month I'll talk myself into thinking I've been exposed to flesh eating bacteria.

Have I mentioned I'm a hypercondriac? Cooties! Cooties! 

Yup.

Thus, Shingles in my 20's. 

I take myself to the doctor's office. I pick up my own medications. I nurse myself back to health. On the day-to-day, regarding my health, my vision, and all things that come with aging, I'm entirely on my own. And I'm ok with that. I'm not interested taking care of someone else (just so) they'll hopefully take care of me one day. That's not the kind of partner I want.

I always thought it was a horrible idea to have a boyfriend "in the event I get sick someone will be there to take care of me." That's not a good enough reason for me to be in a relationship, just like "staying married for the kids" is not a good reason to stay married if it's the (only) reason. And so...

I need to start planning for things in the event I can no longer take care of me.

"But you look so young."

Morons. Yes, because looking young, and owning 5 different gym memberships, and buying expensive cars, and (civilians) owning semi automatic assault weapons, will prevent you from getting cancer and Alzheimer's. No, it's true! Maybe if you take 20 more selfies a day (especially when you're at the gym!) you can prevent catching hepatitis C when having unprotected sex with random screwballs off the internet. 

Humans are dying so young these days. 30 years old is middle aged IF you even make it that far. Eight years ago, TWO years ago, I would never have thought 30 years old was middle aged, but look how fast we're dying now. That's why I'm pushing, more than ever, for people to become organ donors. If we die young of unnatural causes, and in this day and age it's very likely, then perhaps we can help someone smarter than us, live, who can fix this bullshit. Otherwise human beings don't stand a chance. Although, philosophically speaking, what's the point? What contribution do humans supply to the meaning of life? I don't know. But maybe your heart, or eyes, or kidney, can go to someone else in need after you're dead, who might at the very least bring beauty to this messed up world once more, if not finally answer the meaning of life.

There's a guy, there's always a guy, I've seen him around for a couple years now, who intrigues me. I didn't see him for months and months, and then I saw him again last week. I project. A million things run through my mind every time I see him. My coworkers don't understand why I don't finally "make a move". And the reason being is, because it's more than that. Truth kills the fantasy of hope. I'm desperate to keep hope alive.

That "hope" being two days of freestyle snowboarding with (what's his name again??), or some cool kid hitting a home run because he got that transplant he needed, or sharing holiday pie fraudulence with a Kardashian. --Really Santa? Kardashian? It couldn't have been, say, Scarlett Johansson, or Christina Ricci?

Goddmnit.

Anyway...

These things I project when I see that guy who comes around my work. The guy who looks like James Purefoy. I did, however, tell him it was nice seeing him again, with the best (Simone Gordon) smile I've ever flashed, to which he kindly replied back, with a glorious smile of his own. And that was it. Maybe next time I see him I'll comment on the weather.

Sooooooo...

Santa,

Adventures with early onset Alzheimer's brought to you by GoPro Hero 4? The black one. Because it's a $100 more than the silver one. Don't ask why! Nick Woodman, is a genius! You don't ask geniuses "Why?" (They might actually tell you.)