$1,592

Who wants it? I'm just giving it away. It's only money. Fuck it. No, seriously, next week I'm just giving it away. This should be fun. (Yes, there's a story behind that specific amount of money. And yes, I'll blog about it eventually.) 

Plus...

Shed 10 holiday (P)ounds!

Which has nothing to do with the money. Separately, for the past two weeks I've been strictly shopping/eating at Whole Foods markets. After the first four days on the Whole Foods diet, I lost three pounds. Well, in addition to...

I also run (approx.) 50 miles per week. In two weeks, it's twice the L.A. Marathon which is 26 miles AND I run it in the required 7 hours. Ok fine. I run it in the required 7 hours, PLUS 6 days, 17 hours, 21 cups of caffeine, and being chased per diem by a few dozen surfers who keep mistaking me for that Chinese herbalist who sells "medicinal elixir" from the front seat of her beat up murder camper. (I'm not her! Stop chasing me!)

But the end result is losing 10 pounds in two weeks, and a regular healthy poo schedule. Take THAT, yogurt! Whole Foods, is pure magic.

AND I recognized my "first" actor at a Whole Foods, Eric Andrè. How cool is that. It may not have been Eric Andrè. It could have been his doppelgänger sporting red Converse high top'ish shoes and a backpack, but I'm thinking it was Eric Andrè. --Hey Mister, you have a backpack. I have a backpack. Let's go hiking! 

Which brings me to this...

If anyone was cool enough to get the joke and sarcasm behind the photos, it would be Eric Andrè! I want to take "Rude Girl" photos ala 'Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill!' Circa 1965, Russ Meyer, of course, not lacking a grain of sweet holiday Christmas/Hanukkah defamatory cheer! Even a bear got accused of rape. A bear! Poor bear. Thanks for specifying it was a girl bear. Because that somehow makes it totally less gay? I saw that video. There was no rape. If that bear wants to file a defamation lawsuit on behalf of lost income, I've got an ass-beater of an attorney for her. (Call me.) 

And speaking of attorneys, or in this case, divorce attorneys...

*Sigh* Swingers.

Not their real names...

Couple 1: John & Jane

Couple 2: Ken & Barbie

Both couples wrote me expressing how "madly in love" they are with their spouses, and how each couple have nothing but "love and respect" for the other couple. They wanted to find a single female to add to the mix for "no drama fun"... 

During the first encounter with these two couples, I observed (something) but kept it to myself. I could be wrong. Besides, whatever happens, happens, regardless if I'm right or wrong. And who knows, probably just my imagination...

Only, it wasn't.

After the second and third encounter with these two couples, I knew in my gut what I observed during the first encounter was accurate. Jane and Ken were something more than just swapped spouses. And I wondered how (how the fuck?) did John and Barbie not see it?

I left their group faster than ASAP! "Ok then. See ya. Thanks. Bye."

Not more than two weeks past, I started getting text messages from John, Jane, Ken, and Barbie. Jane and Ken, left the spouses they were "madly in love" with, and screwed over each other's spouse left behind who they had "nothing but love and respect" for. 

(Not my problem! Stop texting me!)

As a single female, you have to vet people for a lengthy time before getting involved with them. And by "vet" I totally mean vaccinations and shots for rabies. You got it boss. Do it!

The "humorous" part of all this was receiving text messages not long down the road by Barbie (and her new partner), by John (asking me to be his new partner), and by Ken and Jane (asking if I still wanted to be their playmate).

Um. Let me think about it. No. No. And Jesus Christ, hell no.

Singles talk. 

"How can you let your spouse fuck other people?" 

Well personally I couldn't. Not my spouse. Which is why I'm not married. My live-out boyfriend/lover, sure no problem, fuck whoever you want. But my husband? The man I'm financially/legally bound to absolutely not. Again, I'm not married. I'm not ready for monogamy or marriage.

I'm old fashion about marriage. I just am. But that's me. Live your lives however you see fit. P.S thanks for letting me have sex with your husbands! 

Swingers, are swingers, because while the sanctity of marriage is gone, the lifelong friendship remains with marital benefits.

Potato 

Po'tato

Swingers in divorce court...

Wife: I now realize when my husband watched me have sex with a dozen other men, at one time, in our living room, with our infant asleep upstairs. The sanctity of our marriage was gone!

Judge: No shit. (Gavel) Next case!

California, is a no-fault state. And judges don't like their time wasted.

I've been laying low and going on Netflix dates with myself. I get me buzzed on liquor, watch about 30 minutes of the movie, masturbate, then fall asleep on myself. --Sounds about right.

I recently watched the documentary SECRETS OF HIGHCLERE CASTLE. That's the castle used in the British drama series 'Downton Abbey'. I learned something about English hunting. Duck hunting. Bird hunting. First of all, I deplore hunting. I find it disgusting and unnecessary. My dad used to hunt and fish. Dad hated abortion. I hate hunting. You better believe debates about death happened in our house! But according to the groundskeepers in this documentary, (British) hunters have a ritual of carrying their bird kills by the neck so that the (dead birds) in death hold their heads up high... in death... As in, the birds are dead. 

Um

You do you know those birds were holding their neck up high (on their own!) before you SHOT THEM for sport. 

Anyway, in closing...

Carlos, bullied me into learning the proper way to sing: 

Feliz Navidad

Feliz Navidad
Feliz Navidad
Prospero año y Felicidad.

P.S. The last chorus of that song is sung in English. Why can't I just sing the last Chorus? 

What?

Whatever!

Fine!