2015? And I'm still alive?

So bored yesterday I couldn't find enthusiasm to do anything. At first I had a full day planned with things I was pretty excited about, starting the day at Huntington Library. The thing about Huntington Library, I once met a guy, years ago, who really wanted to take me there. We never went. We never went out on a date even. But for many years he was obsessed with taking me to Huntington Library. I'm very curious to know why. But every time I plan a me-trip to Huntington Library, my plans get thwarted. I planned for a week to visit Huntington Library (yesterday, on my day off) but then my trusty weather app forecast rain and ruined all my outdoorsy plans. Foiled again!

I looked for enthusiasm to do (anything) else yesterday. Couldn't be done.

Instead I slowly did laundry, messed around with my friend's wheelchair, went to Ralph's, the bank, Ralph's (again), messed around online, drank three beers, watched season four of Madmen, and ordered sushi.

Tonight I'm headed into WeHo to celebrate New Years Eve.

I've never been much of a superstitious person, but with the turn of every New Year, on this day there's one person I must kiss, or the following year is cursed. CURSED! So I'm pretty excited to see him today.

Maybe later I'll book a ticket to Hawaii.

Way to capitalize on my boredom, travel agencies. I have nothing but respect for you people.

Happy New Year!

Old. Banana. Broken. Whore. Potential Mormon.

"Did you like growing up in the Midwest?"

Yes

"It too bad you don't speak Korean."

Because speaking Korean would have benefit me so much in small town Minnesota? People just don't think. The only Asian women I get along with are American ones.

8 days ago I got a sudden migraine at work, back of the head. The following day the migraine worsened. That night I couldn't sleep. Every time I turned my head it was like lightening hit my skull. I have a pinched nerve in my neck. 8 days later I still have a headache. I take OTC medicine in extreme pain, which unfortunately is every day because Americans love to talk, and talk, and talk, and talk, without saying a god damn thing. If we can't get it accomplished in a few sentences, I'm done talking. Truthfully, I lost interest.

Last night this crazy woman called me a whore. She's not crazy because she called me a whore, she started off batshit crazy, and then called me a whore. I'm associated with the man she's obsessed with. Naturally he has no interest in her (at all.) So of course when she sees him talking to me, I'm a whore.

And then,

My night ended with two very cute (barely 18 years old) boys trying to convert me to Mormonism.

Epic lost cause, darlings. And if I didn't have this headache...

Do English people...

Ever get insulted at what we've done to their language?

I see London. I see France.

In May/June!!

Cumberbitch

The bull dyke who cuts my hair calls herself a Cumberbutch.

Do they even make American male actors anymore?

From my monkey, to yours

 For the love of Mary and Joseph (just this one time)  Merry Christmas !!

I'm reading Josh Haddon's, Reddit. He the 28 year old comedian dying of cancer.

When asked if there is a slight chance for recovery he replied,

"Less than 1%.  Which is why I am so adamant and passionate about helping people see how valuable our time is.  SPEND IT RIGHT.  Make your heart happy.  Smile and laugh and fuck and love.  Live, don't survive.  Stop planning for a future that may never come - screw the rat rave. Get out.  Breathe!!!!!!"

- Josh Haddon

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Vanilla men scare me. Every time I think, "You know, it would be nice to go out on a date" I'm then very quickly reminded why I don't date! 

Vanilla men want babies, and to play house before you even know what each other's last names are.

Taser set on stun. Check. 

pchew! pchew! pchew!

First there was THIS

And then,

Bouncing ping pong balls off EACH SCREEN. No kidding. You need amazing aim to hit that small screen on the right. I've tried.

Big Eyes

Seeing it Christmas day. I never liked those "big eyes" paintings, but I'm interested learning more about the back story, and it's a Tim Burton, film. He's brilliant. 

People actually thought (husband) Walter Keane, painted them??

Facebook

Alerted me that someone built a profile with my info.

Good luck. Not you guys. The person impersonating me.

Morning wood

We, are a great nation of panic. No one can freak out like Americans. We're fantastic at crying over spilled milk. We dominate the blame game and give new meaning to hypocrisy.

I watched that film about the first girl to perform a gangbang in the porn industry, and listened to her (supposed) peers at some convention criticize her, saying it brought down the integrity of porn. How ridiculous. If a female actor has sex with 20 or 200 men in three months, does it matter if she does it in 90 days, or 1?

And

Why?

Why?!

Why is it so difficult for Americans to talk about sex with an ounce of  thought and reason? One person asked a question, "Why?" but rather than answering the question with any insight or basic intellect, they instead praise and validate themselves by commenting how great they are.

Fantastic.

Thanks for publicly observing that you are (utterly and completely) boring.

Boring, is slightly better than jealousy and rape.

Those of us who stay off the beaten weathered path, find real people.

Then your only conundrum are things like,

HE lives by the ocean
HE lives downtown
SHE lives in the valley

How can I "Frankenstein" HER with one of the HIMs into my dream couple?

come play

You can't go back. Once you've tasted, taken a bite out of, had it in your mouth, savored it, shared it, once you experience the things that get you off like nothing before or after, there is no going back.

I want what I want, or nothing.

It makes me very aggressive like a boxer denying himself sex to stay hard.

Thinking about it intoxicates me like wine. I want more.

I love being watched by men playing with themselves, jerking off on me while I'm having sex. I'm a big cum freak. Snowballing. Bukkake. Creampie. But I'm also horribly afraid of sexual disease, the leash that strangleholds all my social activity.

"Daniel" was the first person to sell me on the idea that if I got in front of his webcam, on his website, it would be fun. And it was. We did all the things I love. Until it became work (performance) and then it wasn't fun anymore, plus he no longer wanted to have sex, doing all the things we/I loved doing, off camera.

And if you've never performed for a bi/gay online audience before, your "extremely gainful" performances last minimum six hours a night.

"Gotta save it for the camera," they say. And they do. Gay/bi men love watching three things - big dick, big cum loads, and S&M.

"Gotta save it for the camera."

I'm not into S&M, but the other two things I love, but the second these guys, straight guys, are told they can make money jerking off on cam, they always go and they never come back.

It's frustrating.

I have no patience.

I want what I want.

Where do girls like me go? It's not like I can just tap a guy on the shoulder of my choice and say, "Excuse me, but can you not come for three days, and in that time eat a lot of celery, and then call me after three days when you really need sex and to cum. Thanks much appreciated. Cheers."

Which is why, in part I have ZERO patience for women who pretend to know what cum play is.

It's been two years since I last had fun. Work, yes. Fun, no.

The closest I get, is European porn.

That's my sex life now. Porn.

I once knew this couple in North Hollywood...

2 hot girls @Jerry's Deli

Far more superior in looks and fashion than the haggard slut at Firefly who thought she knew sex. It's called "snowballing" and I seriously doubt you do it.

Women

It's funny listening to civilian bitches talk about sex in bars.

Firefly

Studio City. Be there by 10pm. Come say hello.

Tonight?

Doing laundry now. Got raspberries from Amazon. Definitely feel like getting out later this evening. Probably not Star Gardens. Not today. I DO feel like shooting pool and drinking. I miss "the days" of Hollywood Billiards.

The following comments are the result of things that happened earlier today...

If cash becomes obsolete what will obnoxious assholes flash around to get attention?

Don't want to move your cash around? Ooh! I'll do it! Me! Me! Over here! Pick me! Pick me!

p.s. ....

I like "your" loss prevention girl crew member wearing the giant archeological hat and 6 inch stiletto fuck-me thigh high riding boots. Way to blend in there, Indiana Jones. You really thought this was appropriate security work gear? I almost fake stole something just because I was (this close) to the door and I'm pretty sure I could outrun you in my Sketchers, backwards, while filming you on my camera phone as you fall down a dozen times chasing after me. YouTube!!

Cash is king

Because there is no god.;)

Bank on it.

Hey Joseph

Even though we can't stand each other, it's Tuesday, we both take Tuesdays off, we both like liquid lunches and strippers, and it's just one of those days....

I love

That this strip club listing site also informs me of the current weather. Apparently my windows are broken.

Is Star Gardens, still around?

Seems like a good rainy Tuesday place to "lunch".

Hello. How are you?

What cell phones need is auto text reply.

I have the same "text chat" with a handful of people, for no reason in particular, about twice a month, and it's always the same dialogue.

"Hello. How are?"

Good thanks. How are you?

"Good. What's new?"

Nothing. What's new with you?

"Same old same."

I just stop replying at this point.

Two weeks later they'll text me again, "Hello. How are you?"

No more fighting

Let's see if this works Good morning starshine 

My phone is done messing around with you, Google. If you can't app your way into allowing me to mobile upload... 

My phone said that. Not me. I still love you.

I blame TV

And then I rescued a littler of kittens from a burning building.

Ok no. I didn't. But I so would have.

At a restaurant/bar that made the mistake of having televisions mounted on the wall, a commercial came on advertising (this one) particular electronic store. It's tag line,  "specializing in games and electronics" only the "M" is remarkably silent in "games" which makes the tag line more fun to say, and more likely to get me into their store. And since I have the tendency to say things out loud, I very playfully said, "I want to shop at the store that specializes in "gays and electronics" which offended the two men sitting directly in front of me. Gay? Possibly. And since no one was around to monitor my verbal activity, I quickly followed up with, "Oh please, I'm Asian, nothing I say matters," just as a white guy and his Asian girl friend walked by.

I have awesome timing.

Some people are so easily offended.

Life must be terrible for them.

We're looking for a solo girl

Lol! No you're not.

The husband wrote me at 10am, "We would love to hang out with you tonight! Dinner. Drinks. Lingerie shopping. We can host at our house. Whatever you want to do."

Great. I have a beautiful bottle of red vino. I just wanted to share this wine and play. That's all.

Work got cancelled. I was in the Valley. No big deal.

We swap numbers.

The husband texts me for a few hours during the course of the day. "I get off work 3pm. Wifey gets off work 6pm. We know a lingerie store by our house, we know the owner, she'll stay open a little longer just for us, but only if you will for sure show up, and not flake!"

Of course I'll show up. Just tell me where and when.

"Ok" he says, "The wifey gets home by 7pm. I'll text you after I talk with her, and let you know the time and place to meet. But promise me you won't flake!"

I won't flake I promise.

"Ok. Talk in a little bit." he says back.

It's now 9:54pm.

Haven't heard from him since.

"Hey I've got a joke for you."

He says. "How can you tell if the boyfriend is gaining weight?"

Um. I have no idea. How?

"When he can no longer fit into the husband's clothes."

Ok.

I have no idea what to do here. Do I laugh?

"I thought that was pretty funny" he says, chuckling to himself.

I'm confused.

It's really early in the morning. I'm in the laundry detergent isle at Ralph's. Is this a pick-up line? Are you having a situation? Do you need assistance? Is your wife's boyfriend gaining weight? I don't get what's going on here.

Hey, I have legitimate question. How come it's so hard finding sugar cookies? Just plain old fashion sugar cookies. My friend asked me to pick some up. Where do I get these?

Not even the Girl Scouts, sell sugar cookies.

Racists.;)

Everything is aw-summmm!

I don't know what their names are (I can't find their emails). Swapped a few say-nothing messages last week and nothing since. No phone numbers were swapped. I don't remember what time we said we'd meet. I know where we're meeting only because it's the swinger wine bar of Santa Monica.

[edit] And I just realized I don't know what they look like. Did I ever know?

In other words,

What could (possibly) go wrong?

69

I've decided from next year on, I'm turning 69 years old. It's not so much a sexual reference as it is a mission, and genuine curiosity if I'll live that long.

No kissing

Please explain this rule.

His girlfriend said...

He can lick my butthole, but no kissing.

Cool.

He can lick my butthole, and kiss her.

I'm good with that.

Moon. Stars. Rain. Huge collision.

Is slow motioning retrograde following Uranus? 

I feel like that evil doll on X-Files, "I want to play." 

Is it the rain?

I suck at hibernating. 

It's supposed to rain all day. With nothing to do. Except laundry. 

Just me and my phone. And the internet.

To whom it may concern,

You can find bail money under my mattress.

That's just the way she is

Back on the saddle.

On a website.

I wrote this couple. They're not married. Both divorced. Not living together. Boyfriend/girlfriend. Her late 30's. Him late 40's. Attractive. Sexy. Well written profile. Amateur photos (I like those). She took pics of him. Him of her. Them together naked in a door mirror. Some vacation photos. Down to earth. People I would introduce to my parents if we all ran into each other out in public.

Maybe odd, but I sometimes gage people based on whether or not I would introduce them to my parents. Not dinner. Just, "Hey, these are my parents. We're just grabbing some coffee. Great running into you. Let's talk soon. Enjoy the rest of your day" kind of thing.

I would introduce this couple to my parents.

In the past 3 years, I've newly met a half dozen couples. Aside from one fantastic couple, dates were tolerably annoying to epic disasters. Usually the wife will have a sudden freak-out resulting in broken furniture, spilled drinks and tears. (My taser set on stun.)

So it's been a while.

But this couple seemed relaxed, happy. Not frenzied and desperate about finding a single girl, I like that. They were open to just meeting people, I really like that. I wrote them.

I contacted them. We three all communicated. Great. Got to a point where we wanted to meet for a drink. Perfect. Set up a date. Awesome.

We even have the same work schedule. Too good to be true?

Usually on these websites, especially among single guys, they just want to look at pictures. You contact them, give them access to naughty pictures, they just look at the pictures, and only respond to your original email when you lock them back out. "I don't have access to your private pictures. Can you open them?"

No.

I picked a bar/restaurant near the room I pre-arranged. A simple boutique spot where acquaintances work.

Just, recently, back on the saddle, you never go large. It wasn't scummy. Think trendy. Not upscale. By the ocean.

Did you see 'The Grand Budapest Hotel'? Great movie. The unspoken underground hospitality courtesies still apply among certain circles. I've worked in them all: bars, restaurants, hotels, chains, franchise, boutique, 5 star, family owned, etc.

Anyway,

I go to meet this couple at the designated place, on time.

I walk in.

He's there. She's not.

Keeping an open mind I go to meet him. Maybe she's in the bathroom.

"She's running late." he says, calmly but clearly annoyed. Friendly guy. Handsome.

No worries. We drink. Chat.

40 minutes later his girlfriend walks in with her cell phone pressed against her face. "I can't hear you, sweetie! I'm in the restaurant!" She yells into her phone, same time hugging her boyfriend. "Ok! Ok I promise! I gotta go!" She yells into her phone again, briefly reaching over to hug me without an introduction.

The Hollywood hug. The Chicago pat down. The New York FU exchange. The Louisiana pick pocket.

While yelling into her phone, "What's that? No I can't hear you! I gotta go! Love you! Bye!"

And then she got off the phone and says, "Wow you're pretty. Have you been waiting long? Sorry. My girlfriend just broke up with her boyfriend. Ugh. Drama. So what are we drinking? I really need a drink."

And before we could say anything to her she simply wandered off, to the bar presumably.

A.D.D.?

"She's just that way." He explains.

The girlfriend eventually returned to the table but spent most of her time texting, and swearing at her phone. The boyfriend and I continued to talk.

Awkward.

After the second drink I was ready to go. As in leave. As in go home. As in "Check!"

The boyfriend, sensing the awkwardness, started wrapping things up. The girlfriend ran off to the bathroom hallway to make a phone call.

"Sorry. She's just this way" he said.

"She's a good friend." I merely replied and patiently waited, for what, no idea.

After her 20th cell phone trip to the bathroom hallway, the girlfriend comes back to the table and randomly said, "So. Do you (meaning me) think I'm attractive? I think you're beautiful. Isn't she beautiful, sweetheart? So, do we want to have some fun?"

Um

Sure... ?

One thing lead to another and the three of us were in the boutique room.

After some three way kissing and heavy petting, the girlfriend answered her cell phone and ran into the bathroom. She was in there for quite a while.

I don't know what the protocol here is. Do the boyfriend and I continue?

I got dressed.

The boyfriend and I just smiled at each other and made uncomfortable conversation.

Eventually the girlfriend came out of the bathroom.

"I gotta go, babe" the girlfriend says to her boyfriend. "She's suicidal. I'm sorry" the girlfriend says to me.

Um

Curious. Does the friend know you're mid three-way?

They left together.

I stayed.

Not a bad first date really.

Nothing got set on fire.

No one landed in the ER.