XXX

I carry a wine/bottle opener everywhere I go. I’m that kind of drinker. I carry a bottle opener for work, but let’s be honest, I’ve had a wine opener in my purse since (at least) 1995. Sin’s ex-husband Ben gave me a metallic blue bottle opener in 2007(ish) and I still have it. It’s very sentimental. I remember the day Ben gave it to me. We were all at the beach with a cooler, and no one had bottle opener, and Ben was like, “No one brought a bottle opener because we assumed the bartender would have a bottle opener!” 

In my defense WE WERE AT THE BEACH not at my work. 

Few days later Ben bought me a really nice metallic blue bottle opener and proceeded to give me shit for a year. But in a totally funny way.

Both openers are in my purse right now. I carry them everywhere I go. Along with Mike’s TEXAS keychain he got me during (that one) time we detoured for a few days on (that one) road trip. 

(Sigh)

I miss Ben. I really liked Ben. I like Zack, but your divorce from Ben was really hard on me, girl. It sucks when you really like your friends ex’s. I miss Aramis’s smoking hot ex-wife. She and I could make each other laugh for hours. She was fun. 

Rocco’s Tavern, forever!! 

(Sigh)

Stop dumping your fun, funny, hot significant others god damnit. 

Way to break up the band, Yoko’s! 

I take my friends breakups harder than my own usually because I like their ex’s better than my own. Come to think of it, I liked my ex-husband’s family WAY better than my ex. 

“We hate your ex. Always have.”

That information might have been useful to me before I married him, but fiddle dee dee, water under the bridge. 

I’ve learned my lesson, finally. I’m holding out for my forrest ranger/carpenter male otter spirit animal, but until then I’m hanging out with your ex’s! Why should I have to suffer? Furthermore, I totally get it. You guys need more than just fun, funny, hot, sweet, responsible, interesting, talented, loyal, employed, lovable, kind, active, generous, hard working, and courageous. You also need...

Um

Uh

Well I don’t what you guys need but I’m sure you’ll text me in 5... 4... 3...