DECEMBER 31, FRIDAY
(4:49pm)
Holy shit. How did I miss this??
(12:51pm)
Just remember boys & girls when you buy your kids way into college you get a pandemic about to celebrate its third birthday.
(12:12pm)
I'm crushed. Just crushed. Betty White was my favorite Golden Girl. She hammed up the spacey Minnesota Norwegian character really well. So funny. Bonded me to her forever after that.
Oh Betty
(10:44am)
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
BETTY!!!!
Why????!!!!!
(10:35am)
😏😎
(10:14am)
STAY OUT OF IT!! Let’s see where this goes!!😂
(9:48am)
70's science thought TIRES would make good artificial reefs off the coast of Florida.
I understand Omicron now. 30 years ago SCIENCE thought this was a good idea.
We're so fucked.
Don't miss! For the love of god DO NOT MISS!!
DECEMBER 30, THURSDAY
(9:30pm)
You win!
(8:13am)
(6:30am)
That's it. I want to join oinknight.😓😞 Goddamn this stupid vagina. It's served me well up until now but I want to join oinknight. Not for the studs. Because they have somewhere to go! Gay men always have somewhere cool to go.
Makes me sad.
(4:13am)
It’s been two months since oral surgery. I’m at the halfway mark. They estimate four months to heal completely. I’m so (SO) glad I got a second opinion. This oral surgeon was amazing! Email me for recommendation.
From this. Few days after surgery when I could open my mouth.
To this…
To this. Shot yesterday.
Healing ❤️🩹 really well.
(3:27am)
PREACH, PREACHER!
(3:17am)
So what did y’all do until June?
(2:57am)
PREACH, PREACHER!
(2:44am)
I need more of this in my life.
DECEMBER 29, WEDNESDAY
(4:09pm)
I see you MARIO LOPEZ. I channel surfed just in time today to catch your rendition of redneck beer drinkin' backyard grillery after my rendition of redneck rocker beer drinkery posted on IG yesterday. I SEE YOU. Well done.
Just wait until y'all see my "baby face" on a swing. Watch it until the end.
I know exactly how I'm gonna do it too. I've been practicing his baby face.
His little baby face makes me laugh so hard.😂
"Go little rockstar!"
2024 presidential candidates start yer engines!
2022 is the year of the (water) Tiger.
CUE THE MUSIC!
DECEMBER 28, TUESDAY
(11:44pm)
But does it…
(4:44pm)
GODDAMN FUCKAHO!
Apparently my "name that song/band within a few chords" was too easy for my rockstar friend on IG.
Next will be harder.
In the meantime CUE THE MUSIC
(10:58am)
Dear politicians,
I believe the nation has reached the point where only those afraid of Omicron should stay home. The rest of the nation will get back to work and living life. We're sick of your asses telling us how to live! ((PURGE!!!!)) The politician who says, "Get vaccinated, get a booster, or don't get vaccinated, and don't get a booster, the choice is yours. But we're opening this country back the fuck up. End of story. If you're afraid, stay home. The rest of are getting back to living."
I'm voting for that guy!
(10:45am)
Gather gather boys & girls for the last lesson of the year on changing your married name back to your maiden name. The Corona virus Omicron edition.
When last we left our hero (ME!!) she had just gotten off the phone with the social security 1-800 customer help number. Our hero was told (since all government offices are closed on account of Omicron) to go back to a DMV office and get a certified copy of my new ID with maiden name on it. Our hero woke up at 3am this morning to do her routine pee but instead of going back to sleep she stayed up and was at the DMV office at 8:20am this morning (no line!) where she was told, "We don't certify copies of California ID's or drivers licenses."
To which our hero replied, "That's what social security told me to do. They told me to come here and get a certified copy."
To which the DMV replied, "The only thing we give with our seal on it is your receipt which we give you after your picture is taken. We don't keep those receipts. You would need to go through the process all over again to get another one." (CURSES!)
Our hero then looks to see if she kept the original receipt, but no. She distinctly remembers tossing it out when she got her new ID in the mail. (GODDAMN! PISS! FUCKAHO!)
The instructions attached to the social security card name change application says to mail in the application with original documents like passport, your ID, or military papers, of which I have, but that's still a hard NO. I'm not giving y'all the originals. Just one of the original documents is $500 to replace, another is $160 to replace. SO NO. I'm not mailing in an original document. I don't care if you promise not to come in my mouth mail the documents back. I'll wait to get an updated social security card with my maiden name on it. I'll wait until these offices reopen. It is utterly ridiculous how hard they make it on women to change our names back to our maiden names after a divorce. Ridiculous!
In the meantime all my other paperwork and expired married ID will have to do to match my old married social security card to the new me who decided to go back to my maiden name.
AND ANOTHER THING
Before any politician screams about how people don't want to go back to work, how about all these government offices GO BACK TO WORK FIRST! Set the example!
(3:59am)
YES!! Preach, Preacher!
(3:46am)
I Chanted the same mantra 🕉 until a few tornadoes 🌪 and half a childhood spent in this
were not so bad. Still not enough to move back.
DECEMBER 27, MONDAY
(7:35pm)
I love my friends. Thank you for being awesome. No one has been there for me the way you guys have been there for me these past 2 years. Love you. ❤
(7:06pm)
LOOK AT HIM. LOOK AT HIM.
(3:17pm)
Wanna fall in love?
Are we falling... in love?
(7:34am)
How cold is it this morning?
It’s this cold.
(5:47am)
Aaand I just neurotically checked my account again, payment (suddenly) made.
"Fascinating."
Thank you! Now what can y'all do about this shitty Covid problem?
(5:44am)
One more. I've had my (full) menstrual cycle once in 2021. I'm spotting now for the past three days but a full cycle only once this year. Hooray! Be that, as my hormones change entering menopause my desire to travel is not merely a "desire" it's more of an intuitive demand. Why is that? Ever notice old women seem to travel more. Is it because they don't have to worry about getting a period? I've always been an "on the go" kind of gal but could it be that I subconsciously know I'm reaching the end?
"Lab rat #976 is on to us! Terminate! Terminate!"
Heck no, I still have another 20 years of them pumping pharmaceuticals into me. What new variant is next? Heart attack? Tumor? Cancer?
FYI If ever I get diagnosed with cancer I'm just going out. I saw how my dad suffered for two years before he died. No thanks.
(5:10am)
Female lab rats seek male lab rats to improve the design of their cages.
Prove me wrong.
(5:05am)
Ah, ghosting runaround speak. I know it well. Females invented the language. In other words "Automated system will not be updated until January third" translates into, We do what we want with zero regard to your financial account record. Gotcha.
"Lab rat #976 called the automated help line wanting information on her payment record. Waiting to see if test subject calls again tomorrow."
Prove me wrong.
(4:32am)
Bills that were supposed to be auto paid this morning from my bank account were not. So already there's that. Right away there's a phone call I have to make at 9am. And you're telling me Ayn Rand was wrong? Are you sure? There are those who invent, who fix, who cure (not the pandemic, I mean lets not go crazy here😷) and the rest of the human race does what exactly? What's the point of it all? I started asking myself that question when I was 12 years old and I'm still asking, "What's the point of it all?"
Bills, struggle, stroke, jaw surgery, it's taken me three months so far just to get half the documents I need back in my maiden name... so what does all this grind after grind after grind make me if not just one more replaceable cog in yet another wheel to wagon those with much, much more? What's the point of it all? I have this talk with Aramis from time to time. Are we winning yet?
I ask this question not in a depressed suicidal way, but in a philosophical way. What's the point of it all? What are we doing here? What am I doing here? The only thing I can conclude for my existence is to be a lab rat for pharmaceutical companies. Who else gets shingles in their 20's? If I really put effort forward on how many different pharmaceutical drugs I've put in my body during my thus far (almost) 53 years of life I'm sure it has to be somewhere between 50-100 different drugs.
Just a morning thought.
Signed,
Lab rat #976
DECEMBER 26, SUNDAY
(6:43pm)
Tuesday. Guess I'll go to back the DMV on Tuesday to get that certified copy of my CA ID for the social security office. Look at all the hoops I have to jump through to get my social security card updated. When I got married it was easy-peazy changing my name over to his. Changing it back however is a nightmare. Don't do it ladies! Don't take their last name. You don't exist without HIS last name. You have to prove you were a real live flesh and blood person before you got married.😒 It drives me crazy that I have to prove I was born and had a life before I got married. Almost as crazy as this blog not being able to keep up with me when I type. They CENSOR me now. It takes 15 seconds after every sentence I type to show up on screen. Free speech can go to hell!
Why are we still wearing masks when the CDC already said they don't work against the Omicron variant? Um. Anyone? Anyone?
I'm going to try entering the new year with a positive attitude.
A-Hahahahahahaha! I said... 😂😂😂
(2:53am)
Why I don’t drink hard liquor anymore:
DECEMBER 25, SATURDAY
(6:20pm)
When I die THIS is the photo I want y’all to use at my funeral!
(5:24pm)
Correction. NOW I’m ready to start the day.
(5:00pm)
FINALLY ready to start the day.
(3:40pm)
"I hate that bitch."
"I hate that bitch too!"
"Friends?"
"Best friends!"
65 years later...
(7:45am)
Today marks nearing the end of the year.
In thirteen days I turn 53 years old. Meh. Not a big deal. Catch me when I turn 60 if you want to see me lose my mind completely. I still feel like I'm 25 sometimes. SOMETIMES.
Merry Christmas!
DECEMBER 24, FRIDAY
(7:35pm)
Santa was just seen flying over NYC.
(7:02pm)
I really do know how to eat with a fork and knife though you wouldn’t know it by this video. Give me credit for not standing over the sink.😉
(12:02pm)
The Friars Club. And according to wiki Allred was eventually allowed in to use the health facilities.... whatever that means.
FFS the woman is a media whore. According to Wiki she didn't think accusers of Jeffrey Epstein and Harvey Weinstein had cases. I guess they came to her in the early stages before the media got wind of the stories.
(8:58am)
On this Christmas Eve, I just want to remind people why I can't stomach anything Gloria Allred represents because it's all about her in the end. She doesn't represent people, she represents her political agenda. Which isn't even a political agenda really, it's more about her butt-hurt feelings. (Famously) she reportedly tried to join some men's league of lawyers for some private men's club and they rejected her, of course, because she's a woman. And like all feminists like her, she takes on political movements she can twist into her agenda making it all about her. Get on with it, lady! Talk about harboring a grudge. The last thing I would ever want is to be in some club of men listening to their philosophies about the world and women as if it were circa 1940. I worked with all men for four years and I'm amazed I didn't kill myself. Haha that was a joke. I actually liked the men I worked with. Still, why would I want to spend my personal free time in a club of all men, who have been drinking, and smoking, talking about the law, women, cars, and other boring shit not cats and dogs related?
Ladies, just a reminder from woman to woman, me to you, courage is immediately going to the police and ER after an assault has occurred. If you wait 20 years, 10 years, 5 years until after the famous actor has a new movie that just came out to declare yourself "courageous" for reporting an assault that supposedly happened years ago, I'm going to have to scream BULLSHIT ON YOU, BULLSHIT ON YOU, AND YOU, AND YES EVEN YOU.
COURAGE is picking yourself up and immediately taking your ass to the police and ER and making the authorities and doctors look you in the eye and LISTEN TO YOUR STORY right the fuck now! NOT 20, 10, and 5 YEARS LATER.
Gloria Allred is the WORST type of lawyer. Any case that she represents just makes me cringe.
Wherever you're going today ladies, be safe. There are really good men in the world. Until you find the ones you jibe with, get a hobby. TIK TOK has some new trends I'm REALLY liking. Especially this one…
DECEMBER 23, THURSDAY
(8:45pm)
Literally EVERY PERSON from LA I brought back to Minnesota with me for Christmas:
(5:37pm)
20 years ago. Supposed sexual harassment happened 20 years ago.😏 FFS. You bitches irritate me to NO END.
FUCK YOU Gloria Allred. Boo-hoo the mens' law club didn't want you in it and now you're just a bitter cunt. Go fuck yourself.
(3:40pm)
Just got off the phone with social security regarding changing my last name back to my maiden name. As you know all government offices are closed since April 2020 so it's the long way around to getting anything official like an updated social security card. The lady helping me on the phone was incredibly nice as she informed me I had to go back to the DMV and get a certified copy of my new ID with my maiden name on it. FUCK ME GOD DAMNIT!
But it has to be done. So back to the DMV first week of January I go. BALLS! HAIRY DISGUSTING OMICRON BALLS! FUCKING BALLS!
So why am I changing my name back to my maiden name, now, 7 years after my divorce was finalized you ask? Aside from the fact I just don't want his name anymore, my ID with my ex's name on it expires in 15 days and so I thought no better time like the present, AND...
I think in 7-10 years we're going to be in a situation where all of your identification documents are going to need to say the same name on them to avoid complication. That's my prediction. Our nation is changing in a very paranoid direction where we're going to need five forms of ID just to get from one state to the next. I don't know if it's because the baddies of the world are smarter than the goodies, but even typing my blog right now has a ten second hesitation per sentence before showing up on the screen.
Bow before your leaders! Optimus Prime and Megatron!
(12:04pm)
#FACTS
(11:54am)
GENIUS 😅
(7:15am)
I hate editing. This took 4 days to edit. THIS TOOK 4 DAYS.
Back when I was young and adorable I was "discovered" by a photographer in a park who happened to shoot girls for one modeling agency in particular who liked girls with an "exotic" look. It was huge for the 80's when all the women looked like Pamela Anderson. As I aged out the modeling agency wanted to train and represent me in an acting career. As you know, you always start off in commercials. After exactly ONE audition the agency changed their mind about representing me as an actor. Here's why...
(That's honey dripping off my finger)
“Smile with your eyes. Try taking this seriously for once. Do you actually like the food you’re eating? How did you hear about this gig? Who the hell referred you? DONNA!!!”
(5:13am)
Cannot wait!
(12:22am)
Your generation
My generation had
You see my dilemma 🤔
DECEMBER 22, WEDNESDAY
(11:47am)
I'm a bad man. I very bad man.😈
(6:34am)
AND ANOTHER THING
I meant to blog this earlier after posting that Lewis Black youtube clip about how Minnesota became a state...
Fun fact, Germans who are born with dark hair, dark eyes, and olive skin were once not recognized as Germans and were grossly called (something else) for not being what was considered Aryan "pure blood" German. Meaning not having blonde hair and blue or green eyes. Majority of the Germans I grew up with have dark hair and dark eyes. Which probably explains why so many of them moved to MN. Or rather, fled.
When I was a kid something like 40% of the MN population were Germans. Not being somewhat German speaking in Minnesota is like not knowing any Spanish in Los Angeles.
The Norwegians were all blonde haired and blue eyed... but that's because *cough*VillageOfTheDamned*cough*
And as I was conversing travel protocols with a friend last night, Minnesota is now one of those states that requires a passport to fly in and out due to the ever increasing population of Hmong and Somalians. Minnesota is one of those states, below freezing weather be damned, those fleeing persecution and gross poverty would rather be Uber drivers in winters where it is (minus) -20 degrees F than be hated on and murdered by their own neighbors.
Ahhh.... Siberia.😏
(6:00am)
Gather gather boys & girls. Especially you men from other countries who were raised to believe women ought be subservient to men.🙄 Welcome to America where…
(5:47am)
Asian women should never be afraid of the sun. I love it. All my life. And….
(5:29am)
Why my longest writing gig is this blog.
DECEMBER 21, TUESDAY
(9:58pm)
My new favorite home chef.
(8:27am)
The only reason I'm still alive is because I've always been on a budget. If the internet was a thing when I was 20 years old I would have had unlimited resources with tiktok, Youtube, and OF, and would most assuredly be dead by now of an overdose. Josh Todd wasn't the only one who loved the cocaine.
Like I said, post-war version of Squid Games.
Cue it!
(8:15am)
I'm convinced I'm living in a post-war version of Squid Games. I was born in 1969. My dad was in the military after all, a dentist, and who's to say an implant wasn't put in my teeth somewhere to monitor my movement in the game. I saw that episode of X-FILES! At my deathbed a bunch of scientists dressed in bio-hazard gear congratulate me for lasting as long as I have. In post-war Squid Games when you can't cut out the cookie, instead of a sudden and swift execution there's a lifetime of taxes and bank managers.
(7:28am)
When selling push-up bras online, I'm thinking maybe your models should have more than an A-cup or it just looks like your bras epically failed.
DECEMBER 20, MONDAY
(7:12pm)
I want to see the day when a single pair of men's underwear is $100 plus shipping.
Women's bras are so expensive. Who wants to buy me some bras?😏
* 53 in January. Eat yer hearts out!😅 At least I don't get carded anymore.
(5:57pm)
I'm watching this JonBenet Ramsey recap crime story.
Wasn't it the mother? I thought it was the mother. No?
(4:21pm)
I spent 2 hours at this bank but goddamn it I think we got the mission accomplished. Here's what I think the problem was/is. Younger generations and men in general do not understand how women change their name from her maiden name to her spouse's name after they are married. Allow me to enlighten you. Gain from my wisdom, children. Gather 'round.
Couples must register with the county they are getting married in. Blood tests are usually required to prove you are not related within two immediate sets of parents in your family tree. Meaning it is against the law to marry your sister. The closest you can come to legally marrying a family member, or so it was, is your second cousin provided you are both legal marrying age. THEN...
After you are married and registered, you get yourself a document from the county clerk's office that says "Jane doe" married "John Smith" on (this date). When a woman chooses to take on her husband's last name, she must take that clerk's notary to her bank/s including credit card companies, the DMV, and the social security office, to have everything changed to his name. Changing her last name to his is a choice. She doesn't have to take his last name. I highly recommend you don't. Keep your last name.
When a couple divorces and she wants to go back to her maiden name, she should have a divorce decree handy just in case. $20 per copy from the courthouse clerk depending on the length of your divorce statement. With that decree she is automatically released from his last name. Fellas, re-read that last part! She is no longer legally bound by his last name after a divorce and can return to the name she had prior to the day before whence she married. Because when you register with the county you do so with the name on your current passport or driver's licence. Not with your married one. Savvy? All she needs to do is provide proof that was her legal last name prior to marriage. A birth certificate, passport, etc.
Everyone everywhere knows this EXCEPT bank managers for whatever (the fuck!) reason. I just spent two hours with yet another bank manager who not only argued with me about the process of changing my name back to my maiden name, he actually called the bank's 800 customer support number and fought with them after customer support told him the same thing I just did. What is the deal with bank managers? What the fuck?!
"Why didn't you just keep your ex-husband's last name?" This bank manager asked me.
Because NONE OF YOUR GODDAMN BUSINESS that's why.
So this bank manager called the bank's 1-800 support number twice arguing with them over the name change policy both goddamn times. Finally, two hours later utterly defeated, he says, 'Okay fine I'll transfer the main account number over to your maiden name."
HOLY SHIT. Success!!!
"But your married name will be null and void on this account." He says.
Here we fucking go again!
After wasting another 30 minutes telling him no, 1-800 support said he would keep both my names on my account, I asked him patiently, reasonably, "What do people do who bank here and have a stage name? How do musicians with a stage name cash their checks?"
TO WHICH HE REPLIED, "Oh. We just add an otherwise known as to their account."
Motherfucker!! Why are you arguing with me then!! Add my married name as an otherwise known as onto my account before I die right here of a goddamn heart attack!!
And so... he finally did.
I got BOTH my married name and my maiden name onto my bank account. And it only took three appointments, a 20 minute phone call to 1-800 customer support, two bank managers, and three goddamn hours.
And that's why ladies, do not change your name if you get married. You'll still get alimony and child support in a divorce if you keep your maiden name. Goddamn archaic tradition anyway. Hyphen your children's last name to both y'all.
NEXT... The social security office. It's all done remotely now and their website's face scanner doesn't work on my cell phone so (YAY!) I get to call their office tomorrow.
CHEERS!!
(12:25pm)
Well we're off to a bang up start. The woman at this branch bank who confirmed my appointment three days ago no longer works for said bank sooooo I've been rerouted to a guy who's accent is so thick I'm either going to a bank or taking home the weekday mandarin beef lunch special.
Wish me luck!
(6:38am)
11 days until NYE. Looks like I'm kissing my teddy bear at midnight. (As if I'm going to be awake at midnight!) I haven't been awake at midnight since before I was married. Maybe 2001?
Kings beat the Caps yesterday 3-2. YAS! I miss seeing them live.
I have another bank appointment today to TRY adding my maiden name to my bank account. This is my third try. Ridiculous. Going to a different bank of course. Let that be a lesson to you young ladies. No need taking his name if you choose to get married. No need getting married to be perfectly honest. The only reason to get married is for tax purposes if y'all having children. But then you will probably buy a house and every tax break will just end up going into paying property tax. You can't win! Why bother getting married and having children when there are so many cats and dogs needing homes. And lets be honest, we don't give a flying bat what your kids are up to, just post adorable kitty videos!
DECEMBER 19, SUNDAY
(8:29am)
No, I cannot make facetime with you now darling I am searching for these things called moose and squirrel!
(5:48am)
I stayed in last night and ate string cheese.
(5:40am)
There was never going to be a "good time" to change my name back to my maiden name. Not in the past two years going forward. The only reason I'm doing it now is because my old ID will expire in 19 days. And being as how the powers that be don't want Covid to EVER go away, there will never be a good time to go to the DMV, or deal with banks and closed social security offices. Yesterday I got my vaccination card updated to my maiden name. I thought that was going to be a nightmare but no, the pharmacist, an educated woman, understood the assignment. She looked at the old ID, and then the new ID, saw that the ID numbers were the same, photos are the same, and updated my vaccination card right there. See bank managers, it doesn't have to be as hard as you make it. And you wonder why stupid-wealthy people want to live on Mars? I just want to go to Siberia where it's 9 degrees F. Mars, right now, is (minus) -81 degrees F. That's how bad we want to get the fuck away from assholes like bank managers.
Thank goodness for internet where you can scroll to your preferred sculpt of entertainment all at your fingertips in the comfort of your bed whilst naked from the waist down.
Looking at movie dates and times for Nightmare Alley and currently there are only 3 other tickets sold for then. Yay for me!
Cue the trailer!
DECEMBER 18, SATURDAY
(7:22pm)
So this is my Saturday night now.
Wow 🤩
(4:49pm)
Saturday night. Followed by more IPA’s, sunflower seeds, writing, and believing I’m as witty as I tell myself I am.
(4:29pm)
My Eharmony profile is coming along nicely.😏
(11:51am)
Oh no 🙊 for the first 19 years of my life it’s all I ever dated.
Well that and that’s all that was around me at the time. (Thank god.)
Been my Saturday night plans for the last 11 years.😅
DECEMBER 17, FRIDAY
(6:29pm)
That’s a hard no.
(6:11pm)
Girrrrrl
(6:03pm)
#FridayFacts
(5:22pm)
Running in and out of Hollywood tonight like:
(4:45pm)
1. won in my book.
(4:30pm)
HA! That stupid motherf😡cker! I just got off the phone with my bank 800 number who confirmed all I needed to add my maiden name onto my personal bank account was my new CA ID with my maiden name on it, and my birth certificate!! which is what I brought with me to the bank!
Youuuuu smarmy bank manager.... And this is also why I don't date your kind!
Thank you 800 number bank guy. Thank you for letting me know my bank does have common sense after all.
(4:16pm)
I have to open a business account for my maiden name? Wut?
(4:07pm)
On hold with my bank right now while the agent helping me looks into how to add my maiden name onto my own bank account. So ridiculous. They're saying I have to provide my divorce papers also, which I have, but that's beside the point.
What do people with a stage name do? How do they cash their stage name checks?
(1:59pm)
I'm not near Century City. It's where my SD box is so usually when I need to bank inside a branch I go there. Aaaand of course you have to make an appointment to see a banker now so I've been going to whoever is closest to me on that day.
What a hassle.
(1:38pm)
Ima gonna get so racist right now.
I made an appointment at my bank to add my new legal maiden name onto my existing bank account at Wells Fargo, an account I've had for over 25 years. Not change the name on the account. Add a name.
The appointment was with a lady but the (I'm guessing) nosy bank manager wanted to know what my appointment was for. This is what the bank manager looked like minus the glasses but holy shit it could have been him. And if you ever saw the movie JOY LUCK CLUB this bank manager was just as much of a ridiculous asshole as this character in the movie.
I mean look at him, asshole to the tenth power. As was the bank manager.
"So what brings you in today?" the asshole asks me.
I'm adding a name to my bank account.
"Ok well that person needs to be here with you."
That person is here. It's me. I'm adding my maiden name onto my bank account.
"Do you have proof of your maiden name?"
(And really at this point I just wanted to punch this asshole in the mouth. I imagine he has this effect on everyone.)
I do, I tell him. It's a CA ID, plus I have my birth certificate. I'M NOT CHANGING THE NAME ON THE ACCOUNT. I'M ADDING A NAME. LIKE A JOINT ACCOUNT. BUT BOTH NAMES ARE ME AS THE CA ID'S WILL SHOW IT'S THE SAME ID NUMBER I JUST HAVE TWO LAST NAMES. I'M NOT CHANGING THE NAME ON THE ACCOUNT. I'M ADDING A NAME. Could I make this any more clear, I ask you reasonable people of the internet? Well apparently yes because then he said...
"Do you have your divorce papers?"
I don't need divorce papers I tell him. I have my CA ID's, both with my married name and with my maiden name, additionally I have my birth certificate that proves my maiden name.
"You have to have your divorce papers." He says.
Which I have, but I didn't bring them with me because (say it with me boys and girls!) I'M NOT CHANGING MY NAME ON THE ACCOUNT. I'M ADDING A NAME.
"Well... Changing and adding names are the same thing." This ridiculous moron says.
Um. No, it's not. When my husband added me to his bank account all I needed to do was show was my ID.
"Well yes but that's different." He says.
HOW is that different? I'm adding a name to my bank account. It's just both names are me. And I have proof that both names are me.
"But you don't have your divorce papers." He smirks.
But my maiden name is my legal last name and I have proof that it's my legal last name. So what's the problem here?
"Well, that's the thing isn't it. We have to prove it's your legal last name to change the name on the account."
I'm not changing the name on the account. I'm adding a name. Holy fucking shit. AND I have a CA ID with my maiden name on it, AND my old CA ID with my married name on it, and you can see it's both me because the ID number hasn't changed, you unbelievable moron!
Additionally I have my birth certificate with me. So who exactly are you calling a liar here? Me? The state of California? The state of Minnesota? My parents? Or are you just generally paranoid and think the world is out to get you?
"You need to bring in your divorce papers." He smirks.
I made an appointment with a different Wells Fargo bank, Monday.
Wish me luck. I've already started drinking. Cheers.
AND
If the person not helping me at this other WF bank Monday is Asian or Filipino and still doesn't understand the assignment, I'm going to my Century City bank where English is everyone's first language.
(10:24am)
And that’s why we live in California.
(6:17am)
…and then it started raining.
DECEMBER 16, THURSDAY
(9:01am)
I have nothing but respect for oral surgeons. One of the best performed my surgery. However...
I am a changed woman.
(7:58am)
When oral surgeons borrow each other's instruments and forget to return them.😏
DECEMBER 15, WEDNESDAY
(4:43pm)
Yum! First time with the wasabi?😅
(7:45am)
Bro, just wrap it up with... 😏
* If I seriously have to write a legal disclaimer about not actually wrapping your dick with installation tape, your dumb ass deserves a trip to the ER.
(6:56am)
I read online if you go to older parts of Siberia the bathrooms are attached to the houses but you still have to go outside. Houses back then were made before electricity and indoor plumbing, so when indoor plumbing came around it was more affordable to build the bathrooms as attachments onto the house exterior rather than gut the entire house. As often as I get up to pee in the middle of the night better get a travel chamber pot!
(6:29am)
Wear 'em if you got 'em! It's 39 degrees F in Los Angeles. Makes me homesick. No. No it doesn't. It's 43 degrees F in Minnesota. It's warmer in Minnesota right now than California.😠
DECEMBER 16, TUESDAY
(8:40pm)
I would NEVER pay $500 or $5 for Rockwell. For starters it looks like something is trying to escape his testicles.
Spoiler alert, they already make "real cock" all for the low price of having a pulse although I'm on the Real Doll website so maybe that's not so important anymore.😏
(5:19pm)
I immigrated to California all the way from Saint Paul, MN.😏
(3:42pm)
"NOT IN MY STORE YOU DON'T!"
(3:37pm)
Ich wurd nicht gehe zu Arizona Viking Queen ven sie die letste immigrant oral surgeon auf der Erde... HONEY!
Cue the music!
"I'll probably only have three or four more of these in my whole entire lifetime okay!"😂
(3:23pm)
The roots of two teeth smashed into one another below the gum line when one of my wisdom teeth grew in bad causing root and jaw bone decay.
Thus...
(3:11pm)
And the moral of the story is, if you're under 35 years old, get your wisdom teeth taken out.
Surgery...
They have you bite down on a rubber mouth piece that keeps your mouth open. Then they insert rolled gauze in your mouth to keep your tongue perfectly still. Normally it's a clamp-thing like what they use on dogs and cats when they're about to go into surgery, but because I was awake the whole time it wasn't necessary.
* I was awake because I had a stroke 10 months ago and at the time they didn't want to put me under. Get put under!!
Daunting. That's the only word I can use to describe the surgery. Fucking DAUNTING.
Mad respects to oral surgeons. My dad was a dentist in the Air Force and he used to tell me war stories about pulling out teeth and I always thought he was doing a Brian Williams on how bloody and painful it was for them...
No No, blood from my mouth splashed onto my face while the surgeon was drilling, spot on accurate.
And still...
My brothers and I never had our wisdom teeth taken out.
(2:51pm)
I don't care how much skill you have with a whip, until you've yanked out teeth, ripped apart someone's gums exposing their jaw bone, then used these drills on their jaw bone, and got paid hundreds of dollars to do so before stitching them back up, you ain't shit!
(12:10pm)
Arizona Viking Queen😂
(11:57pm)
Ich hatte sein sollen ein zehnarzt!!
(10:59am)
A white a boy in a blue suit on a snowy winter hilltop dancing
(10:53am)
The fact you have DR Mike in the background wins you internet of the day.
(5:25am)
Wins the trend.
DECEMBER 13, MONDAY
(2:58pm)
So what do you want to see first? The return of my stress eczema or the inside of my mouth?
From this. Right after surgery...
To this. Shot today...
Yea. Yea. Look at that. Healing up nicely, I tell you what!
DECEMBER 12, SUNDAY
(5:50pm)
Holy shit you win. You’re the winner. You won internet.😅
(5:38pm)
I saw this episode of X-FILES 👽
(4:57)
Omg yass. Nooo!!🥺😭😭😭
(4:39pm)
Who’s Billy Miles?
(10:53am)
(10:19am)
Juneau to Moscow, Moscow to Vladivostock. 7 days.
(10:13am)
Nein getausche peitschen for stocke.
DECEMBER 11, SATURDAY
(7:54pm)
WIFI ain't working for shit tonight.
(7:33pm)
Genau vie Arizona Viking Queen held bei tag, bosevicht bei nacht.
(11:15am)
Not only is plaidskirttorpedoes the free-iest entertainment on the internet, it's super educational. Look what we've covered just this past year. Through my experiences you learned a little something-something about strokes and recovery, oral surgery and recovery, I showed you other free-iest content on the internet, introduced you to other entertaining/educational people you may have not yet met, showed you foodie content you may have not known about, exposed you to films you may be interested in seeing, plus from time to time I show you my tits and glorious poon. Additionally, I'm pretty goddamn entertaining, I tell you what!
And I do it just be-fucking-cuz.
Meanwhile, reading other peoples social media can be like:
(9:56am)
Plaidskirttopredoes, the free'iest entertainment on the internet next to youtube... and Instagram... and Twitter... and Google search engine (I mentioned you papa, calm down!)
Love this guy.
(9:20am)
I love/subscribe to this Youtube channel SCENIC RELAXATION. It's amazing. This one is my favorite posted today. A cup of tea and ohmmm.
(8:12am)
So much talent. But your GF looks like a bitch here. Just saying. I can relate. I divorced the male version of that! Girrrl.
(7:59)
Girrrl
DECEMBER 10, FRIDAY
(7:46pm)
YES!
(6:44pm)
If you love me, if you ever had an ounce of affection for me, you'll take me to see this!
(6:07pm)
But then you grow up and hate everybody.😏
(6:00pm)
Wear 'em if you got 'em!
My girlfriends and I used to run home from the bus stop and sit in front of the giant RCA in the living room to watch The Monkees. We are truly blessed to have been children then. "We're too busy singing to put anybody down" ❤️
(5:09pm)
It really was a great time to be a child.
Thanks for the fun, Mr Nesmith.
(4:34pm)
Sometimes I still do it on IG.
(10:40am)
In Hollywood. Just...
Kill me now.
(8:02am)
Look, I'm sapiosexual. I'm sexually attracted to men I can talk to, joke around with, have enough in common where conversations don't make me want to suicide myself. In regards to disciplining others, I'm low impact. I don't really enjoy breaking skin, or...
"$800"
LICK MY BOOTS YOU NASTY FILTHY PIG!!
(2:01am)
I say the exact same thing. Welp better go to sleep I’ve got lots to do tomorrow including finding something new @Pleasure Chest to beat people with.
(1:51am)
Seems all too familiar.🍸🍸🍸🍸🍸
DECEMBER 9, THURSDAY
(2:00pm)
🐾🐾 On your windshield means you were visited by a guardian of the afterlife. You’re being watched.
(12:11pm)
If this doesn’t make you smile you’re a horrible human being.
PS. I love the rain.
(9:17am)
I'm more of a disciplinarian. I'm who you go to if you've been a bad boy or girl. Additionally I consider my company therapeutic. My company can be very cathartic. It doesn't take much to make someone cry. And you don't have to deliver pain to do it. It's more fun that way, but if it's not what's required then you're providing bad service. That said, metaphorically, I respect the drummers who play on a 30 piece drum kit, but I once read an interview where Slim Jim Phantom said something along the lines of, "If you can't do it on a 5 piece kit, you're not a drummer."
I'm sweet. I'm sassy. I'm not interested in hurting anyone. I just want to make you cry. A wet release, if you will. Trust me, you'll feel better. No one pays a Domme to feel bad. That's crazy. If she knows what she's doing, she'll make you feel better than psychiatry, acupuncture, and a homemade pie. She's not a hug from mom. She's a hug from Domme. (Trademark!)😏
(7:08am)
I received a text message that my post-stroke prescriptions were ready. So I said a prayer and headed to CVS. And...
They were actually ready. As in READY TO GO. The nice pharmacist handed me all my prescription meds in their individual brown little bags and I was confused for a second there like, what do I do now? Do I just... leave?
Apparently yes.
In ten months following my stroke this was the least painful experience at the pharmacy. As in NO PAIN whatsoever. So I braved all and headed into the valley to meet up with Aramis and...
Again no pain whatsoever. The weather was nice. People were polite.
It's hard flogging people when you're having a good day. "I'm sorry. I'm in too good a mood. No, no, you're still scum of the earth unworthy to be in my presence. It's just, here, can you beat yourself for a few minutes while I watch a little news and get back in the mood. Thanks."
Because you know that's all news is now, porno for the kink crew. 10 minutes watching (pick a channel) of this "expert" and that "analyst" and I'm back in the mood to grab a set of balls with my cute adorable fist, squeeze those fuckers until they turn purple, and smack them around like a whiny bitch at Starbucks until he cries snot through his ball-gag.
Kidding. I'm just kidding. I don't really do stuff like tha.... 😏
DECEMBER 8, WEDNESDAY
(8:40pm)
How horses should always run.
(8:31pm)
This is a good one too.
(7:52pm)
The hell you say. Don't forget cocaine, heroin, and promiscuous sex.
(2:51pm)
Eight weeks later, boys and girls, I got my ID. Tomorrow I can finally go to the bank and social security office, and then passport. You know you're GEN X when you change your last name to his after getting married, the first time. I may get married one more time after this, who knows, but I'm keeping my dad's name. It's too much work changing it and then changing it back.
Today, Aramis was looking less like Aramis and more like Wolverine.
PST is about to enter it's 9th year online. Maybe it's time we just start calling him T...
Nah.
(6:10am)
Running in and out of the valley this morning like:
DECEMBER 7, TUESDAY
(8:01pm)
To everyone who signed my 8th grade yearbook, I did stay cool.
(5:02pm)
I was today years old when I learned you're not supposed to rinse your mouth out with water after brushing your teeth. You're supposed to spit the toothpaste out and that's it. You're done brushing your teeth. If you rinse your mouth out with water as the final step, you apparently rinse out the fluoride. Why has no one told me this before?
(12:03pm)
I love you. Our children would be absolutely gorgeous. How can we make this happen?
* I assume you're at least 18.
(10:18am)
Your horse won you millions of dollars after you pumped it full of steroids. And to reward the horse for all your success, you ran it hard until it died of heart failure.
What I think of you, what I would like to do to you, would literally put me in jail.
(8:31am)
My EHARMONY profile is coming along nicely.
(6:50am)
Hahahaha silly girl, Covid is coming in six years and will shut down and fuck up everything not on the internet. Problem solved!
(6:00am)
Aramis: “So how was your weekend?”
Me:
(5:52am)
But don’t marry her, just keep promising you will. Distract her with jewelry and love letters.
And then dump her for the 18 year old sluts. Understand the assignment!
(4:26am)
A remake of my generation
DECEMBER 6, MONDAY
(7:05pm)
Dear Santa,
I'm changing to canes. Rattan, I'm thinking. Something thin and sting-y. And since everyone is a tiktok/Twitter/IG/onlyfans star, nothing that leaves marks. Fast and sting-y that burns instantly and but doesn't leave any marks. Although...
I'd like to be a head school mistress with a curved handle cane. Kicking it old school. Those bitches hurt and takes good hand gripping skill. Respect to anyone who uses curved handle canes.
(6:15pm)
The state of our nation right now.
(6:08pm)
Crypto Arena 🤨
(4:51pm)
Anonymous tiktok accounts:
(4:32pm)
The girl in black is just so proud of herself.👏🎬🎥
(From Google image)
(4:17pm)
I'm not entirely sure I agree with the math, but...
== Results from bdsmtest.org ==
100% Dominant
97% Exhibitionist
82% Ageplayer
81% Rigger
75% Brat tamer
73% Voyeur
71% Owner
69% Master/Mistress
68% Degrader
67% Non-monogamist
54% Sadist
48% Experimentalist
47% Vanilla
45% Primal (Hunter)
28% Daddy/Mommy
7% Switch
* I'm way more than 67% non monogamist
(4:09pm)
Family. Eh Chris Cuomo?
AND if a bitch whore cunt scumbag woman wants to make sexual harassment allegations against a man and ruin his career, that bitch whore cunt scumbag woman needs to come forward in the spotlight and not be a coward. Just saying.
Y'all know what's up.
I don't hate women. But some bitches make me mad and need a good...
(Google images)
(7:33am)
Rise and shine ladies.
Time to
(7:27am)
Everything he's eating right here. So good.
DECEMBER 5, SUNDAY
(8:30am)
I have a date today. An actual date. Aramis is rooting for him. Rooting hard! There's only so many pictures of the inside of my mouth post oral surgery Aramis can take. It's healing up nicely though, my mouth. In my defense, I've only taken 13 pictures of it so far from a few days post surgery (when I could get my mouth open) to two days ago. I see my dentist later this week to make sure the bone grafts haven't moved and there's no infection.
It's going to be a standard Hollywood date. An "H" date. Dinner and golden shower (giving of course). Or "hot shower" as it's called when the urine is clear from drinking only water. Or in my case it will be sake/water.
The last time I dated anyone regularly was 2002. If it works out do we have to lie about where we met? Can we tell people we met on a kink website? Or do we have lie and say we met at Bed Bath and Beyond? Does it matter? AND he's a cat dad! Swoooon. Sushi, single, kink, lives alone, cat dad, "hot showers".... I'm falling in love already. And by "love" I mean I don't want to murder him, as we've already established that being the definition of love for people my age.
And a gig I applied for last September (that I really wanted) called back last night. But it's theater people and we all know how they are.😏 (flake-eee)
And to think, had I gotten my new ID within the normal time frame (I'm still waiting BTW) I wouldn't even be in LA right now.
DECEMBER 4, SATURDAY
(1:02pm)
So money from Joel Osteen's church that was reported as stolen was found boarded up in the wall of the church?😏
Ya think the church will give the insurance money back?😏😏
What criminal "steals money" from the church... and then (literally) hides it in the church?😏😏😏
CUE THE MUSIC!!
(7:20am)
I remember when going to an OBGYN appointment always ended with the doctor giving me white paper lunch bags filled with condoms because apparently I had “street whore” written all over my vagina. These days the doctor just checks my blood pressure and cheers, “Oh! Your blood pressure is good today!”
(4:05am)
And you know they’re mumbling like 😂😂
DECEMBER 3, FRIDAY
(5:06pm)
You don't have to call me "Goddess" or "Princess" or "Queen" but "beautiful" or "pretty girl" would be nice. I mean, you are trying to get me to fuck you. Which I'm perfectly fine NOT doing. So. You know. TRY HARDER.
(1:40pm)
Of course I've had Nutella. My ex (a Swede) made me try it. Like how he made me try a slice of bread with a slice of cheese on it. Not grilled. Nope. Just cold bread and a cold slice 'o cheese. And like how he made me try spaghetti with ketchup on it. First of all I hate ketchup which EVERYONE knows. I mean if you think it has to have ketchup on it just dump up to BBQ sauce. But ketchup on spaghetti? Uck. ABUSE!!
Which is weird because their meatballs are amazing. Like how can they do one thing so right, and other things so, so, so horribly bad?
(1:18pm)
In regards to the great "croissant" proper pronunciation debate on IG, I'm right with you on Americans pronouncing "croissant" like the French do it being a French word... until some wiseguy threw in "Nutella". No. Just NO. Nutella is weird. Y'all think Reese's peanut butter cups are weird, I think putting chocolate (or whatever that stuff is) on bread is weird. WEIRD! WAR! I WANT A LIGHT SABER!
(8:51am)
Even Sid the Kid gets into fights and you never want your stars fighting, but...
WAR! I NEED WAR!
(8:44am)
The Kings lost last night. Were there any fist fights? Checks? Slams? Did the gloves come off? I tapped out after the first goal. If I wanted to watch a bunch DILFS play polite hockey all's I have to do is attend a Saturday pickup game on any one of Minnesota's 10,000 lakes eh. I don't love to hate over half the NHL. They're so polite. I hate New York teams, Pittsburgh, DUCKING Detroit, Washington, we need more teams to hate! WAR! I NEED WAR! I WANT A LIGHT SABER!
(8:18am)
When old married men look for love outside their marriage:
(7:18am)
I love this girl’s princess IG page.
DECEMBER 2, THURSDAY
(7:55pm)
I did this once in VAN NUYS. I totally should have been dead ☠️
(7:44pm)
Watching Kings game. Not really into it. I don't know what happened to Canada's hockey teams. I was a HUGE Edmonton fan as a kid after Dallas bought the North Stars. But when all Edmonton's stars were traded to LA, I became an LA Kings fan. Canada needs to do something with their teams though. They're not exciting to watch anymore. I'm not into this Calgary game at all. Meh. Thursday. Bored.
Goooaaaal! Meh. Not exciting.
(11:27am)
Of the four Lyft rides in the past 48 hours, my brother with the bags of candy in his trunk was the least ominous.
(11:10am)
My Lyft driver was Korean, not one word of English, and after driving up the second busy intersection curb that's when y'all got the "I love you" text messages.
(10:17am)
PRO-TIP: Never ever play along with your Lyft driver about having a dead body in your suitcase even if they (jokingly) bring it up first.
Never ever
Ever
.
.
.
.
Ever
(8:17am)
So, it’s going to be this kind of day.🙄
What do want Scott, a medal? Here you go.🏅
(6:52sm)
Preach, Preacher!
(6:43am)
How I feel every moment of every day.
DECEMBER 1, WEDNESDAY
(7:28pm)
Guess which one was born with a penis.
ANSWER: All of them🔥
(6:19pm)
Santa’s reindeers be working out.💪🏻
(5:46pm)
I miss it sometimes JUST FOR THIS...
(5:20pm)
Stolen truck pursuit on every local news channel right now:
(4:15pm)
Accidentally took all my post stroke meds in the morning including the pill I take at night because it's side effect is muscle soreness/stiffness in the legs.
All day today...
HOW I THINK I'M WALKING:
HOW I'M REALLY WALKING:
(6:43am)
They do it louder in Vegas brother. So loud. So much loud.
(6:21am)
I love this guy. For anyone who has ever cooked, waited, bartended, or managed anything in the F&B industry. You’ll love him.
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