Mmm food porn

Greetings from the barren wasteland.

I started watching Whalburgers, five years later. Johnny-come-eventually. I was against watching this show, as I am against watching all reality TV food industry shows for two reasons. One, because generally speaking I can't stomach listening to rich and famous people telling me how to eat. I'll get to the second reason in a few minutes.

Back in the day kids, there was a TV show called Northern Exposure. It was brilliant. Everyone can identify with at least one person on that show and I identified with the doomsday philosophical caveman character, Adam. This guy knows food, philosophy, art, history, you name it. If it involves the history, pessimism, psychology, and optimism of man, Adam's your guy. He's a chef by trade who looks like a hobo and lives in a hut. Have you seen my apartment? I live downtown. Enough said. If Las Vegas had raccoons a family of them would be living here with me.

Back to Whalburgers

In the first episode I watched, Whalberg and friends were discussing Mark Whalberg's long time limited diet to sub sandwiches and pizza. It wasn't until Mark traveled overseas for work that he finally liberated his palete. I totally get that. I'm from small town Minnesota. We ate meat, burgers, corn on the cob, pizza, bratwurst and hoagies (hoagies not subs!) regularly. I didn't eat Asian food until I moved to San Francisco when I was 20 years old, and I'm Asian. Not a lot of Asian restaurants among the Germans I grew up with.

I've been in the food and drink industry for the whole of my adult life. From sidewalk cafes to the most outwardly outrageously bougie establishments where you audition for your job, not apply.

As a kid in Minnesota, every family had meat lockers. We followed the advise of our neighborly squirrels and stored up for the winter. It was a matter of survival in the -40 degree weather, not gourmet cooking. Nothing we ate from November - May tasted like anything other than the dead animal you were cooking. And potatoes. Don't forget potatoes. There was no base or stock. No fresh vegetables or herbs. Dad would bbq all year around but still, dead animal and potato. That's it. I started smoking when I was twelve years old. I started smoking a half pack a day out in the open when I was 16 years old. Times were different then. Kids could do that kind of thing without judgement or concern. I cared more about my brand of cigarettes than I did food.

It wasn't until I was 20 years old living in San Francisco, my first home away from home, I discovered the wondrous flavors of fish. Up until that point it was just fish we caught and cooked, not masala, not sushimi, not provencal, not bouillabaisse, just... fish.

Most Americans eat food because they're hungry. They want fast and easy. Hence the fast food epidemic. But Americans are evolving into foodies. Foodies. It's like they have to apologize for having a sophisticated palete. Fuck that. Welcome to your taste buds.

Foodies eat food because they love the way it tastes. They love how it makes them feel while they're eating it. It's the whole experience. The smell. The texture. The visual. I don't care for chocolate pudding but whip it into a fine mousse and I'll never forget your name. I love whipped foamy milk but can't stand hot milk, like lattes. Its just unnatural. Even cows are like, "What the fuck are you doing to my milk?!" I became a foodie at 20 years of age.

And the thing is, once you've had amazing, your expectations cannot be lowered. You will always go back to what was good, memorable.

The second reason I was against watching Whalburgers, as I am against watching all food industry shows, is because in the real world we're boring AF to watch. There is nothing glamorous about our jobs. Nothing. If how they portray the industry, is how they think the food and drink industry actually is, these reality TV shows, Hollywood movies, even these famous celebrity chefs like Gordon Ramsay, are all living in the world of whackadoo.

I've worked in Hollywood, CA. I've auditioned for jobs. Some I got. Some I didn't. But once you step into the alley or cook line, there's your hard truth reality. It's boring AF to watch. Not this high intensity drama from enigmatic mysterious characters you see in movies and on TV. No, we're boring AF to watch. It's our jobs. It's our careers. Fun doing. Boring to watch. Like golf.

"What's in croque monsieur?"

It's a grilled ham and cheese sandwich.

"What do you mean by ham and cheese?"

It's a grilled cheese sandwich with a thick slice of ham added to it.

"What do you mean by added to it?"

(And the real answer is)

Are you fucking stupid?

Now that's an industry TV show I would watch!

Food in Las Vegas is often times recycled. The garlic mashed potatoes you're paying a premium for in a bougie casino eatery, is the same garlic mashed potatoes they're serving in the cafe and buffet. Don't get me wrong there's a few buffets in Vegas absolutely worth the money, but food is definitely NOT why you come to Vegas.

I miss food. I miss culture. I miss walking five blocks down any beach or city street in Los Angeles, and being able to get food from 10 different countries.

I'm not a bougie person. Maybe a little bougie. I've just had amazing food and drink. And just like sex, once you've had amazing there's nothing else like it. I couldn't care less if you mix my Liptin tea with English breakfast and Earl Grey. It's fucking tea. Does it have caffeine? Good. Throw it in. That said however, I do know what a good vodka martini consists of and it's not Smirno...

I still love comfort food when I'm in the mood for it. Macaroni and (three layer) cheese... Aaaaand bacon and toasted bread crumb topping or what's the point?!

You know

Or what's the point?