Fuck it

"Stress ruins every day of your life. Dying only ruins one."

--Sherlock

Exactly. Between the two, dying is MUCH better than stress. 

I have a kind of sleep apnea where it sounds like I'm soft girlie snoring, but in actuality I'm struggling to breath. Worry not, I'll wake up on my own if I labor for breath too hard, for too long. Kind of like having to pee in the middle of the night and dreaming that you're peeing, but still feeling like you have to pee. Then waking up realizing you have to pee in an epic way. My sleep apnea is like that, but with breathing. One time I dreamt I was hiding under a blanket and couldn't breath, another time I dreamt I was holding my breath under water and was running out of air. Both times I woke up gasping for breath. My point being, I'll wake up. 

I'm not saying my smoking a pack and a half a day from the time I was 17 until my late 20's is the sole cause of my throat/lung/respiratory/sleep apnea issues, but... 

Two lung infections, one respiratory infection, sleep apnea, and last January's upper respiratory infection MIGHT disagree with you. 

People like me who quit smoking, still suffer the effects of smoking 30 years after we quit. My dad died of throat/lung cancer two years ago, and he quit smoking at least 30 years prior. But he still got cancer. And it killed him.

 Sleep apnea. For those of you not in the know, shockingly, screaming hysterically, "OH MY GOD WAKE UP, YOU'RE NOT BREATHING!" Would not in reality wake me up if I had in fact stopped breathing. Please don't do that. You will literally scare the fuck right out of me.

If my little girlie snoring wakes you, first of all I'm sorry, secondly I'm not snoring, I just can't breath. Still, if you happen to notice I suddenly stop snoring, AND THEN notice I'm  also not breathing, FIRST please check my pulse. Is one there? Great! I'm not dead! It's just the apnea. Wait 45 seconds. I'll wake up. However, if you're so inclined, gently shake me, or lift my head, or roll me over. Chances are I just need a shot of inhaler, and I'm fine. This only happens when I sleep. My pillow most likely went flat and my head slipped back in such a way I'm not getting clear airway. I require full lung capacity to breath while lying down. Some people can breath with one clear nostril, but I'm not one of them. 

FYI, if you sleep alone, and start noticing daily upper back pain, and waking up to a dry mouth, and a dry throat, three or four times a night, every night, alongside waking up feeling like you had the wind knocked out of you, chances are you have a form sleep apnea. 

Good news! You most likely won't die from sleep apnea. Your body will jerk you awake each time because it knows something is wrong. But you might die from a heart attack if someone violently screams at you, while violently shaking you to wake up.

I'm a caffeine addict, I'm trying to cut down, really I am, and I drink wine, but more so, I have a huge issue with stress and insomnia. I've had problems with stress and insomnia since I was a teenager. I got grey hair in high school and shingles in my 20's. And let me tell you a story about the time I got shingles. The doctor who diagnosed me said, "It's a virus we all carry second to chicken pox. Most people will get shingles later in life, in their 70's and 80's. I've never treated anyone in their 20's before. In your case it was brought on entirely by stress. Good news, you'll never get shingles again. It's a one time deal like chicken pox."

One time deal? Fantastic. It hurt like hell the first time. 

Shingles, is like chicken pox. It's a virus from chicken pox that lays dormant in everyone. The only difference is, shingles protrudes and swells all the glands on the side of your neck infected. It's like you swallowed a bag of giant marbles and they all got stuck in your neck. 

Then, humorously, the doctor said, "We have inexpensive cream. It will take about a week to cure. But we also have pills, about $150. but your shingles will be gone in 2 or 3 days."

Hmm. Ok. Let me think. Let me think. 

A week vs. a few days. 

Yeah. I got the pills. 

And then there was the good time in the ER when I was diagnosed with a stomach ulcer. The nurse on duty learned a valuable lesson that day, X-Rays (and poo bucket) FIRST, morphine second. Poo bucket!!

Because I sleep alone more often than not, I probably had sleep apnea for a long time without knowing it. It wasn't until I had daily upper back pain, and strange dreams where I'm suffocating, plus waking up three times a night with severe dry throat and mouth, and continuously jerking myself awake in a huge panic mid snore, that I realized something wasn't right. 

I'm doing my best to live a calm peaceful life. 

10 plus years ago I balanced each day with a steady flow of caffeine and alcohol. Caffeine non stop all day, alcohol flowing all night. Caffeine and alcohol. No food. No sleep. Just running around like crazy, all day, pumping caffeine and/or alcohol in my veins.

Tweek! Times 1,000. Just waiting for my heart attack. Oh yeah! It's coming!

Child psychiatrists blamed my stress disorder on my parents. 

CHEERS! I'll drink to that.😉