This is your time! Single men, and husbands have no clue what women want. I just got an email from yet another guy who wrote a novel introducing himself as the most amazing man alive. I skipped to the bottom of the email (usually when they finally make their point for writing) and he typed, "I'll bite your neck like an alpha dog, showing you who's boss."
Aaaaaaaaand delete.
Sadly, I get about 15 messages a week like that.
If you're an attractive, well dressed, sophisticated guy, go make that money.
Trust me, women will pay.
Saturday, January 31, 2015
Chippendales. February 12, 2015
Which dancers will be at the Rio, that night, and which will be at the HOB on Sunset?
I don't read long emails from men asking to meet. I delete those on sight. Make your point short and sweet. If I'm interested you'll get the job done in under three sentences. Be smart.
I don't read long emails from men asking to meet. I delete those on sight. Make your point short and sweet. If I'm interested you'll get the job done in under three sentences. Be smart.
Thursday, January 29, 2015
The second most annoying thing
If you must write me messages longer than the Declaration of Independence, please use paragraphs.
Friday, January 23, 2015
Deflated balls
"I pick my own balls. I don't like anyone to touch my balls, or handle my balls. No putting air in my balls, or deflating my balls."
Were still talking Football, right?
I recently deflated a few balls without touching them.
Real men don't rely on their balls to win the game.
Were still talking Football, right?
I recently deflated a few balls without touching them.
Real men don't rely on their balls to win the game.
Thursday, January 22, 2015
Keep calm and Kerry on?
Secretary of State vs. Isis Dash. Cool, Kerry is meeting with Prime Ministers from (everywhere)... It sounds like he's threatening to put American soldiers down in Yemen, Iraq, Iran... ? Was President Clinton, not available for this morning's speech? Kerry shouldn't be addressing the nation... Like, ever.
In other news, apparently there's a bunch of deflated balls in football. Now that's what Kerry should have given his speech about. For one thing it would have been far more interesting.
In other news, apparently there's a bunch of deflated balls in football. Now that's what Kerry should have given his speech about. For one thing it would have been far more interesting.
Wednesday, January 21, 2015
Hook'as!
"Are you looking for a date?"
My friend, currently in Vegas, just got approached by two girls who used that line.
Oh Vegas. smh
In L.A. this weekend
I'm not in porn. I have no interest being in porn. No one's paying me to be there. Why would I go?
Way too much work just to masturbate.
I can "love" you from a distance. A far distance. From the comfort of my own bed actually.
No fuss. No muss. My perfect relationship.
Way too much work just to masturbate.
I can "love" you from a distance. A far distance. From the comfort of my own bed actually.
No fuss. No muss. My perfect relationship.
Tuesday, January 20, 2015
Something wicked this way...
10:30am and the fog is still thick here at the beach. It's a bad sign. Ok no it's not, but seriously what's with this fog? At first I thought Venice Beach, just pulled an all nighter, but the air is breathable even with the 18 million homeless people roaming one of the most expensive neighborhoods to live in, in southern California. Homeless people. Like zombies. Dragging one leg behind them (like zombies do). Coming out from behind garbage cans. Suddenly appearing from an alleyway. Smelling like death. Well fed fat beach bum death.
So... The fog...
Here's the thing...
The beach during summer months, awesome. The beach during winter months, not so much.
It's a comedy show out there.... Out there... In the real world.
I remember making travel plans for Egypt, but then Libya had Syria had their "thing" and suddenly everyone hated Americans.... again.
Sigh
One step at a time.
Fog, makes me want to sit on the stoop and drink whiskey.
What? I don't have whiskey?
Guess I'll have to armor up in my anti zombie homeless beach bum gear and brave the liquor store. Not now of course. It's only 10:21am! I wouldn't drink this early in the day. I'm not in Minnesota anymore. Give me a little credit. I fully intend to lay in bed until (at least) 1pm.
So... The fog...
Here's the thing...
The beach during summer months, awesome. The beach during winter months, not so much.
It's a comedy show out there.... Out there... In the real world.
I remember making travel plans for Egypt, but then Libya had Syria had their "thing" and suddenly everyone hated Americans.... again.
Sigh
One step at a time.
Fog, makes me want to sit on the stoop and drink whiskey.
What? I don't have whiskey?
Guess I'll have to armor up in my anti zombie homeless beach bum gear and brave the liquor store. Not now of course. It's only 10:21am! I wouldn't drink this early in the day. I'm not in Minnesota anymore. Give me a little credit. I fully intend to lay in bed until (at least) 1pm.
Friday, January 16, 2015
Just a thought
After listening to Prime Minister Cameron, speak with our President, this morning, the jump from terrorism and nuclear weapons, to social media and big brother, was just... depressing.
The problem is, there aren't leaders anymore who inspire hope with logical resolve.
The speakers are gone.
I love Jon Stewart. I think he's amazing. Mostly because he believes in what he says. But in his monologue following the Hebdo murders, he said something along the lines of not trying to understand something that makes no sense. I disagree. "Making sense" out of why young people are deluded into terrorism, might be the best way to avoid fighting power with power.
What do they need?
The problem is, there aren't leaders anymore who inspire hope with logical resolve.
The speakers are gone.
I love Jon Stewart. I think he's amazing. Mostly because he believes in what he says. But in his monologue following the Hebdo murders, he said something along the lines of not trying to understand something that makes no sense. I disagree. "Making sense" out of why young people are deluded into terrorism, might be the best way to avoid fighting power with power.
What do they need?
"So what brings you to the Czech Republic?"
Castles... in Prague. Prague... Castle? Um. Vienna? Hey can I show you some videos?
'A Life in Dirty Movies'
Caught a little bit of this last night on cable. From the few clips I saw, I liked Sarno's soft-core artsy films. Sexy. Sensual. Agreed 100% on the sounds of sensual breathing and moaning in sex scenes as being equally hot and erotic. I watch a lot of older men/younger women, and young female GB porn, so hot, but not if she sounds like she's being murdered while having sex. Aaaaaaand mute button.
Peggy was cute. Peggy and Joe. Sweet old pervy couple.
One day I'll meet the "Joe" of my dreams.
Sadly. Not France. Not Belgium.
Czechoslovakia?
Peggy was cute. Peggy and Joe. Sweet old pervy couple.
One day I'll meet the "Joe" of my dreams.
Sadly. Not France. Not Belgium.
Czechoslovakia?
Thursday, January 15, 2015
Paris. 2016?
There's always next year.
And I just bought a new backpack.
Recalibrating travels.
* Sorry, dad. I'll go to Paris, fall in love, next year.
He really wanted that to happen.
And I just bought a new backpack.
Recalibrating travels.
* Sorry, dad. I'll go to Paris, fall in love, next year.
He really wanted that to happen.
Tuesday, January 13, 2015
Static!
And the show must go on. Reportedly the next cover of Hebdo, has Muhammad, holding a sign, "Je suis Charlie" under the words "all is forgiven".
I saw it.
Soft.
The sign was enough.
Anon. putting "Je suis Charlie" static on Isis, was funnier.
Good luck, Hebdo. Make some noise!!
I saw it.
Soft.
The sign was enough.
Anon. putting "Je suis Charlie" static on Isis, was funnier.
Good luck, Hebdo. Make some noise!!
Sunday, January 11, 2015
On the roof. This rainy morning. Shining the hero spotlight.
"We've received a letter from (Anon) this morning. 'Please inform the citizens of Gotham that Gotham City has earned a rest from crime. But if the forces of evil should rise again, to cast a shadow on the heart of the city... call me."
Saturday, January 10, 2015
And then...
Ross, was trying to get out of doing (something, I forget now what it was) and he says... He says... "Tell them I had to leave for Yemen"... And Joey says... He says, "If you're going to lie at least pick a real country."
And that's what I think of every time I hear it.
And that's what I think of every time I hear it.
Moving on?
Ok this is my last blog about it (maybe?) but what's going on, Paris???? Assassinations. Hostages. Terrorism. Civilian slayings. Murdered police officers.
And I'm really tired of American news correspondence saying, "We expect this kind of thing in America."
No. No we don't. I for one don't expect it anywhere!
And I'm really tired of American news correspondence saying, "We expect this kind of thing in America."
No. No we don't. I for one don't expect it anywhere!
Next week's cover art? Artist?
The next Hebdo, cover artist, should sign the work "Charlie Hebdo".
It's subtle. Gets the point across. Clear and direct. One minor sacrifice for that artist in the name of unity.
You are Charlie Hebdo.
Next week's edition?
Morbid thought. But legitimate question. I wonder who the next cartoonist will be?
Friday, January 9, 2015
He died for what he believed in. So should they.
Years ago, I asked friends and family, loved ones, to not buy me gifts or give me money on my birthday, Christmas, or Valentines Day, etc., but to instead donate that money. Dad has been donating money to the Children's Cancer Association in my name for years, and friends donate money to the ASPCA.
Every 6 months I receive "thank you for your continued donation" notes from these organizations, and on that day, for the moment, life has a little meaning.
I don't really celebrate these dates including my birthday. January 7. I might have some grand idea that seemed fantastic after a bottle of red vine, but I view my birthday much like I view Christmas, Valentines Day, or any day the calendar says, "Buy a new mattress because it's Labor Day!" it's all circumspect.
However,
I happily buy gifts for my friends and family, and ever since my friend broke his foot, it somehow translated into me buying him sushi twice a week. I don't understand it either since I wasn't the one who broke his foot, but, fuck it, whatever. Give it some time, I'm sure something down the road will be my fault.
January 7, 2015, however,
Something truly horrific happened.
12 people were murdered in Paris, 11 wounded, in a movement to silence free speech, silence the press, and silence satirical comedy.
I just can't wrap my head around it.
Jon Stewart, made the movie Rosewater, about Iranian-Canadian journalist, Maziar Bahari, accused of being a spy, and imprisoned in Iran for appearing on The Daily Show, with Jon Stewart.
Unbelievable.
I'm a new junkie. I read some 5 newspapers every morning, and when I have absolutely nothing else to do I watch CNN news. On this particular birthday morning I turned on CNN...
Charlie Hebdo, was murdered with colleague, associates, security and police... over cartoons.
Cartoons.
Christ.
Back when David Geffen opened his contemporary art at MOCA, one of the pieces on display was a statue of the Virgin Mary, with a sewage pipe running through her stomach.
It was pretty rough.
And while I disapprove if such "art" as being a waste of talent, I poke fun of Catholics/Christians, on this blog regularly.
I've never poked fun at Muslims. Honestly, I don't know how. Lucky me.
But I DO know how touchy and sensitive people can be!!
My joking around about not being able to cook, or boil water, or recognizing a pot from a frying pan, has pissed off complete strangers to the point they make rude comments about it on their public forum.
So,
Before Sous chefs gather in Los Angeles, with torches at my doorstep, know that these are jokes for my friends, stemming from my time in culinary school, which I dropped out of...
(Dude, I honestly don't know how that kitchen blaze got started.)
January 7, 2015, is the one birthday that has significance for me.
I will never forget this birthday... ever.
Every 6 months I receive "thank you for your continued donation" notes from these organizations, and on that day, for the moment, life has a little meaning.
I don't really celebrate these dates including my birthday. January 7. I might have some grand idea that seemed fantastic after a bottle of red vine, but I view my birthday much like I view Christmas, Valentines Day, or any day the calendar says, "Buy a new mattress because it's Labor Day!" it's all circumspect.
However,
I happily buy gifts for my friends and family, and ever since my friend broke his foot, it somehow translated into me buying him sushi twice a week. I don't understand it either since I wasn't the one who broke his foot, but, fuck it, whatever. Give it some time, I'm sure something down the road will be my fault.
January 7, 2015, however,
Something truly horrific happened.
12 people were murdered in Paris, 11 wounded, in a movement to silence free speech, silence the press, and silence satirical comedy.
I just can't wrap my head around it.
Jon Stewart, made the movie Rosewater, about Iranian-Canadian journalist, Maziar Bahari, accused of being a spy, and imprisoned in Iran for appearing on The Daily Show, with Jon Stewart.
Unbelievable.
I'm a new junkie. I read some 5 newspapers every morning, and when I have absolutely nothing else to do I watch CNN news. On this particular birthday morning I turned on CNN...
Charlie Hebdo, was murdered with colleague, associates, security and police... over cartoons.
Cartoons.
Christ.
Back when David Geffen opened his contemporary art at MOCA, one of the pieces on display was a statue of the Virgin Mary, with a sewage pipe running through her stomach.
It was pretty rough.
And while I disapprove if such "art" as being a waste of talent, I poke fun of Catholics/Christians, on this blog regularly.
I've never poked fun at Muslims. Honestly, I don't know how. Lucky me.
But I DO know how touchy and sensitive people can be!!
My joking around about not being able to cook, or boil water, or recognizing a pot from a frying pan, has pissed off complete strangers to the point they make rude comments about it on their public forum.
So,
Before Sous chefs gather in Los Angeles, with torches at my doorstep, know that these are jokes for my friends, stemming from my time in culinary school, which I dropped out of...
(Dude, I honestly don't know how that kitchen blaze got started.)
January 7, 2015, is the one birthday that has significance for me.
I will never forget this birthday... ever.
Wednesday, January 7, 2015
12
Freedom of press. Freedom of speech.
Show your faces. Cowards. Take responsibility. Otherwise you stand for nothing. You murdered all those people for nothing.
Saturday, January 3, 2015
Happy Near Bar!
On the 1st, I wished 5 people a "Happy Near Bar!!"
My smart phone is a genius.
Dad said he wants to have "a talk" with me.
Christ
Last time dad said that, we had the god damn talk. As in he wants me to stop saying "god damn" in my blogs. I always find it interesting what things offend dad. I want to learn his method at picking battles. I think he got it down to science after I yelled at him, "You had no right to chop off my penis and force me to live as a girl! That was my decision to make! Not yours!" at my cousin's wedding.
Don't worry. I was born with just a vagina. It's fabulous. I'm rather proud of it and show it off frequently. Whether you want to see it or not.
Keeping in topic however, it seems she-males are hot right now.
Must find a she-male.
(It's my Near Bar resolution!)
Dad writes a blog too. He won't let me read it though. He won't even tell me the http address. I'm offended. He started writing it when he learned he has cancer again. Still fighting the good fight. Dad asks why I don't write about J. anymore. No idea who he's talking about?
Wait,
How did you learn about (this) blog again?
My smart phone is a genius.
Dad said he wants to have "a talk" with me.
Christ
Last time dad said that, we had the god damn talk. As in he wants me to stop saying "god damn" in my blogs. I always find it interesting what things offend dad. I want to learn his method at picking battles. I think he got it down to science after I yelled at him, "You had no right to chop off my penis and force me to live as a girl! That was my decision to make! Not yours!" at my cousin's wedding.
Don't worry. I was born with just a vagina. It's fabulous. I'm rather proud of it and show it off frequently. Whether you want to see it or not.
Keeping in topic however, it seems she-males are hot right now.
Must find a she-male.
(It's my Near Bar resolution!)
Dad writes a blog too. He won't let me read it though. He won't even tell me the http address. I'm offended. He started writing it when he learned he has cancer again. Still fighting the good fight. Dad asks why I don't write about J. anymore. No idea who he's talking about?
Wait,
How did you learn about (this) blog again?
Friday, January 2, 2015
I went to a topless club once
And rediscovered I was madly in love with cheap wine.
Cheap. Expensive. I'm not racist.
Cheap. Expensive. I'm not racist.
And the moral of the story is
It doesn't matter why you attend, or why you join, as long as you keep paying.
Don't worry even I forget that from time to time.
Thursday, January 1, 2015
2015 all about the RIG
So weird. Always thought the business-end would be the first to go. Not the casual.
Funny little world I live in.
Social Security, sent me a letter last week letting me know how much I've accrued thus far.
Not bad.
Not good.
Guess I should be grateful I'm still worth a payday!
Funny little world I live in.
Social Security, sent me a letter last week letting me know how much I've accrued thus far.
Not bad.
Not good.
Guess I should be grateful I'm still worth a payday!
I don't (really) want to have sex with you
They want to have webcam sex with me. Not real sex. Not sure how to feel about that. Tonight I just wanted real sex. He didn't. Oops. But was more than happy to go on cam with me.
Don't worry No', I'll get over it. ;))
Don't worry No', I'll get over it. ;))