I'm only scheduled three days next week

THANK GOD. This job makes me want to shoot up heroin and set Disneyland on fire!

Porn? Are you sure?

I think she's Filipino, and she's horrible. I had sex with her (then) boyfriend once. HE should make porn.

Fake tits. Raccoon eyes. Asian girl porn.

I met a makeup artist from New Zealand yesterday. I asked her what she thought about Asian women's makeup in porn. She asked, "What's with the raccoon eyes?"

I think "raccoon eyes" are search words when looking up Asian girls in porn.

Fake tits. Raccoon eyes. Asian girl porn.

I saw one Asian girl with three layers of dark circle makeup around her eyes.

Three layers!

Were there no Filipino transgender Lady Boi's around to show this poor girl how to wear makeup?!

She was wearing,

One layer eyeliner
One layer dark blue shadow
One layer sparkly dark grey shadow

Thick fat rings around her eyes!!

That makeup artist should get punched in the face!

Wait. Who's the ocean?

Did I just compare myself to an ocean? Hell yes I did! I'm an ocean! You're an ocean! We're all oceans!

Christ.

I need to decide on a phone... quickly.

The Ocean Full of Balls

Salinger wrote The Ocean Full of Bowling Balls, supposedly a prequel to The Catcher In The Rye, but this title seems more fitting.

Hey Salinger

Lets write a chapter together...

eerie silence

No morning text messages. No phone calls.

No dick pics.

Just a girl and her blog (that now has auto correct. Great.)

At least I have my schedule for the next 4 days.

Over the holiday weekend I'll hit a Sprint store. Can't decide on a phone.

Aaaaand my phone died

Laptop died. Phone died. Guess I'll go to the beach!

Come over for dinner

Last night I made shrimp and fish Jumbalaya. 

And nothing exploded! Didn't need to call the Fire Dept. or anything!

Little blue Corvette, baby you're much too... seriously, a Corvette??

When you live and work at the beach, the old guys will do anything to stay in the game. Yesterday I was lurked on heavy by a guy easily in his late 50's rolling in a... Corvette.

Ha! A Corvette!

Not just a Corvette. A metallic blue Corvette. Fuck yeah! Roll it !! 

Clown.

The coolest wheels at the beach is a bicycle. 

Nothing good company and food can't cure... oh, and of course the other thing.

Instead of being a menace to society today, I met my friend "Aramis" for lunch at Figtree's Cafe and Grill, in Venice Beach. I call him Aramis now, because, well...

This is Santiago Cabrera, who plays Aramis in BBC America's The Musketeers

And this is my friend. Ok I hid his face but trust me they look alike.

So my friend says, "Lunch?"

Off to Figtree's we went.

Ahi Salad

Turkey Reuben w/caesar salad 

I was late. Rubbed two out prior to meeting my friend. French Porn. Young natural women. Thick. Meaty. Sexy. Hot. 

These girls were either superb actresses, or they were totally into getting hammered.

Jealous.

(I was so worked up I could have rubbed it out to CNN.)

I made him cry

But only for like 3 minutes and I think he enjoyed it.

Your jedi boob tricks don't work on me

I'm not bisexual. I don't care.

Crappy mood. Horny. PMS.

This is going to be a very interesting day.

What we have here is failure to...

Communicate. The battery in my laptop died. I could take out the battery and just plug in, but that requires tools... and someone who doesn't blow up the microwave heating water.

Typical

Chop Daddy's

Pulled Pork. Amazing! And where the prettiest black girl I've ever seen, works.
Chop Daddy's on Abbot Kinney, Venice.

Karma

Good vibe if they didn't steal all my personal info.

Bad vibe if this is fate's way of saying, "So, remember that one time in Manhattan, when  you...."

But,

I have more faith in others, rather than rely on fate and karma.

In a side thought, I wouldn't really know if they stole my identity or made purchases, I've gotten to the point now where anything is entirely possible.

10 cable jumpers and two gallons of vanilla frosting?

What? No way, I would never...

Well,

Maybe.

Thank you GJELINA Venice!

Last night we had dinner at GJELINA , Abbot Kinney, Venice. (Amazing pizza!) Like an idiot, caught up in the moment, when we left Gjelina, I accidentally left behind my clutch. I'm an idiot.

When we returned to Gjelina, a very nice young couple, Italian accents, were sitting next to my clutch, right where I left it. 

The couple very pleasantly said, "We were wondering if you were going to come back."

Thank you! Thank you! A million times thank you!

I know people say this but, that is the first time I have ever left behind my clutch (or purse).

Thank you!

Oh sure, I'll watch your yacht for you...

Sooooo what kind of red wines ya got racked on board?  

This weekend...

Good times in MDR! (again please!)... last wisdom tooth growing in (haha useless!)... something bit me just above my belly button... 2 bottles of wine... who keeps putting vegetables in the beer crisper (stop it!)... 5 different kinds of beer crammed all over the fridge... and this is how I got to the grocery store yesterday via Water Bus! 

From deck view I saw 2 couples, dressed up, get off their yacht, and into a row boat to Killer Shrimp. Awesome! Maybe next summer I'll finally learn how to swim. 

Or commandeer (I mean) buy a boat. One or the other. 

This has been an amazing year so far. 

I'll call 2014 'The Year I said YES to Almost Everything'.

School lets out when for the day?

You know, you guys need to learn how to text faster!

Summer break is over?

Thank God! Chances are good he was over 18! 

He looked 18

My girlfriends and I think he was at least 18. Probably. Maybe. Most likely. I realize it's summer break and you only need to be 16 to have a job, but lets just say the guy at the make up counter was 18. 

Yeah 18.

Just like store clerk in New Mexico was 18. 

We only looked.

We're so going to jail.

You better have caffeine

Lots of it. 

Out the door now.

Good morning starshine

And ducks, and guys in wet suits scraping barnacles off their boats.

Fat Dick

Yes that's me on his website. In print, video, and sometimes we cam together. 
We were friends before his website. 

Happy to help! 

I'm all for Capitalism...

If you can make a buck on someone else's misery, knock yourself out. 

But doing it just to get laid, now that's disrespectful.

Irony Pinot Noir

The story goes, the brothers who now own this Reserve never wanted to be part of the family trade, and now they are happier than they have ever been. Irony.

I think it's Ironic that people you have no desire to have sex with, are (always) the first to list all their requirements for a sex partner.

* I have a small "Irony" hangover. But as you can see I'm awake... and on my way.

You're just mad because I wouldn't

StreaM yOur vIdeO.

Big tough guy

STF up, grab a few of your buddies, find him, and straighten him out... Instead of posting "wanted" banners on Facebook like you're trying to find a home for a dog before it gets euthanized.

Big tough guy.

Right.

YOU MAKE ME SICK

The one jury I sat on was a Prostitution and Pandering, case. The woman accused was an older black woman, bruises all over her face, a beating which resulted with the loss of one eye. You should have heard the testimony from certain Police Officers. You should have heard the questions asked by both lawyers and the judge. And when the jury was alone in the back room, you should have heard what my fellow jury members said about the case, and about the woman accused. Not nice things, I assure you.

The fact she was wearing high heels at 2pm in the afternoon, must have come up at least a dozen times.

I don't know what world you live in, but the more attention you keep forcing into the public eye, the harder she will be the one looked at. (And you know why.)

We live in a world where drinking and wearing makeup (makeup?) are criticized under a microscope by supposedly sophisticated, open minded people.

And without meeting her, having a conversation with her, I'm not going to presume she's smart, innocent, or helpless.

I'm a woman.

I know what women are capable of.

And,

After reading alllllllll your spews over this whole thing,

I,

A woman,

Find you mister,

Utterly disgusting.

How dare you act like you're some savior. A hero after the fact.

Thank you public forum.

Don't worry, you and I will never meet.

Ever.

  

Naiveté

If you've never dated (had friends or family) in Law Enforcement, or worked for lawyers and Bail Bondsmen, the old belief that women are automatically innocent... is long gone.

The law knows better.

They will ask questions.

Lots of them.

What will come

All the questions. Over and over.

Police officers will ask.
Lawyers will ask.
Judge will ask.
And people will testify

"Do you drink."

"Do you do drugs?"

"Have you ever been arrested?"

"What is your occupation?"

In the court of law everyone is judged.

Everyone.

Love to Hate

Hate to Love. Mr. Mainstream. You're a Household name. Don't quote my brand. Sellout.

Smack my bitc...

Don't hit women before the fact,

Fine.

Once they murder their lovers, husbands, and kids, 

Would it be ok then?

And these women didn't murder their husbands and kids in their sleep, oh no, most were premeditated, they wanted to watch them die.  

Society still views women as victims. Men don't stand a chance.

Guys, better start writing your "In the event of my death" letters, now. And pray someone sees you get justice after you're dead. You can't defend yourself while you're alive. 

I'm an equal rights advocate in all things, including crime and punishment. Violence is not just a man on woman crime.  

Snapped!

Wicked Attraction

How about just stopping violence - period. 

 Public forum. Reminds me who I should never meet. 

Girl with Gummy Worms

On the way back to Los Angeles, I sat next to a co-ed wearing her boyfriend's flannel-like shirt. Up until I fell asleep, she was watching videos on her IPhone.

When I woke up, my head was on her shoulder. 

"Oh. Sorry about that." I said.
"No worries. Your hair smells like apples." She replied.

Paul Mitchell Hair Serum.  Love this stuff. One bottle lasts 2 years.

"Want a Gummy Worm?" She said, offering the bag of candy.

"No thank you." I replied. "Hey, I think I got some make up on your shirt. I'll give you my phone number in case you need to dry clean it, you can send me..."

"No worries. I don't think you did, but if something's on there, next time I need my boyfriend to do something, I'll just yell at him about the make up." And then she casually popped another worm in her mouth. Worm. She reminded me of
my friend just then.

"Do you like Country music? You can have the other ear bud if you want." She offered.

Very sweet girl.

Glad I'm not her boyfriend.

Feeding the mobile mad science laboratory

You know that backpack has nothing but rope in it.

 

Pack light. Move fast.

 

And,

 

Of course,

 

 Feed the machine...

  

And then she...

"Drifted back into the darkness from whence she came."

I'm not kneeling. I'm really that short. Terrible for concerts, but good for finding keys, earings, and other random things I'm constantly dropping. 

My photographer friend asked me, "Why do Asians always throw the peace sign in their photos?"

I don't think I'm flashing the peace sign. I think I was saying, "Two!" 

How do I become CEO of Plaidskirttorpedoes

Not my Blog. I mean actual...

I.O.U.

Can we please make this U.S. currency? So I guess all the fraud detection services, the making of new bills, pens, and scanners were all a huge waste of money? 

Hold on a sec, let me put on my Ramones tee shirt.

Ok. There.

Now I can properly vent.

You can make a cash deposit at Chase so long as it's into a Commercial, Treasury, or Investment bank accounts. But try to pop a few hundred dollars into a Personal account, and I have to find a 7-11, which is not a big deal, I like 7-11, I get my lotto tickets, Absolute Zero Monster, plus I learn how to say, "You break it, you buy it!" in about 14 different dialects, which... in certain "situations" may be useful to me one day!

What pisses me off is how they treat their Personal account holders. Everyone's a criminal. Everyone. This new policy pretty much accuses every Personal account holder of having "dirty" money. Guilty until proven innocent.

But,

If you have a Commercial, Treasury, or Investment account, well... c'mon those guys are always the innocent, moral, and generous pillars of society! Cash deposits welcome!

I understand the concept of fraud protection. I get how it works.

Just pony up a couple billion of those Fraud pens and you'll be fine.

&%$#@!!!! Chase

So this morning,

I tried to deposit some CASH, as in MONEY, as in CASH, into my friend's Chase checking account.

The goal for banks is still to acquire our money, yes?

Well anyway,

This is what happened...

"I'm sorry we've changed our cash deposit policy. We no longer accept cash. We only accept money orders, cashiers checks, and personal checks."

I'm sorry, what? You no longer accept CASH?

"Do you bank at Chase?"

No. 

I'm sorry, I mean HELL NO.

I only know one person who banks at Chase, or I would have known about this idiotic policy change back in February.

"Do you have a personal check with you from your bank account?"

No. Because it's not 1980. I've only written checks for rent and donations to (like) a health care foundation. Furthermore, MY bank information is none of your business!

"Well we do accept money order and cashiers checks."

But not CASH? What's the difference between money orders from 7-11, cashiers checks, and CASH? The receipt is the same, yes? Who doesn't accept CASH?

They'll accept a personal check... ??

Friend, I'm not telling you to SWITCH BANKS, but what bank doesn't accept CASH deposits?

I'm sorry, the Asian in me doesn't understand not accepting a CASH deposit!

The new policy doesn't affect Commercial, Treasury, or Investment bank accounts. Oh no, go ahead use a cash deposit!... They just don't trust their own Personal checking account holders. Aaah. I see. What?? Because those other accounts would never launder money or consider committing criminal acts...

"And all the money laundering in the world could cease to end if only everyone carried around their checkbooks!"

Brilliant.

"If only drugs were illegal, people would stop making them."

If only...

Dear Internet and Wifi

I love you both. This is the only poly relationship for me. I'm devoted. I love you both so much, this morning I was awoken by (the static sounds similar to AOL log in - remember those days??) The static jerked me awake and I got angry someone was using AOL. Who the fuck is still using dial up?!

It was the fax machine.

Oh Internet/Wifi, If only we could cuddle.

So I guess what YOUTUBE is trying to say is...

"This should make things easier for you, girl."

Icon on my startup.

Interesting, I don't recall putting that there.

Is it because of the 'Magic Mike' clips?

Los Angeles

On my way....